My first and hopefully (please God) last sonohysterogram is over. It was probably worse than I expected, to be honest. Tuesday night I was feeling pretty bummed about everything. A year ago, I had a surgery to remove a polyp. More than a year ago, I had an HSG (not to be confused with an SHG...). And here we are, still childless. The night before the test, there was an unbidden parade of people in my mind who have all gotten pregnant within the last year...go away, please! I love you and your babies, but I'd like some space to grieve, okay?
Yesterday morning Mr. M kindly drove me to my appointment, knowing I probably wouldn't feel like driving afterwards. It was great to have him to distract me beforehand too.
Arriving at my doctor's office, my heart sank. I feel like I'm developing post-traumatic stress disorder from that place...the only magazines they ever have are pregnancy and parenting mags. There are pictures of babies and pregnant women everywhere. Of course I'm usually the only not-obviously-pregnant woman in the waiting room. Sigh.
I got called back, got some Advil (I forgot to bring it with me - whoops) and went to the sonogram room. Surprise surprise, more babies on the wall. LOTS of babies - there were a bunch of those 4D ultrasound pictures on one wall, a diagram of pregnancy on another, and a framed photo of a dozen babies with that Mother Theresa quote about babies and flowers on a third. Can't they have a separate IF sonography room with pictures of bunnies and flowers and sunsets or something?
The procedure itself was awful. I mean, how can that not hurt when they're poking you "down there"? It's so awkward and uncomfortable and cold and just ugghhhhh. Thankfully there was an extra nurse in the room who kindly held my hand the whole time. I don't care - I'll be a baby about it. Speculums are an instrument of torture in my book...and when they were doing the actual sonogram, my distended uterus (they inflate it or something) hurt really bad whenever the wand would press against it. Like, really bad.
It finally ended, thank God. I think they were all concerned about me because I practically started crying during the procedure and said out loud, "That really hurts!"
And the results are...polyps are back. Plural this time (it was only one before). I'll have a full follow-up in October after the radiologist reviews the pictures, but dang it. Polyps, again? The sonographer said that could mean another surgery. For what purpose? I'm wondering. Didn't seem to work the first time.
Driving to work, half-crying, half-talking with Mr. M (God bless him, he was so sympathetic and felt horrible that I was in pain), I just felt so angry. Angry that I had to go through another horrible procedure. Angry that my uterus has polyps in it instead of a baby. Angry that I might be facing another surgery. Angry about our situation. It just stinks. I didn't feel like putting a happy face on it.
(Adoption is looking better and better - during the procedure, I thought, "I'll fill out forms all day long rather than go through this!")
I'm just glad it's over. I guess it had a diagnostic purpose, but man is that a rough way to start the day! Thank God we have a retreat this weekend. I wish it started right now...