Good and Evil Recently in Our Lives

Mr. M here - 

This last week has served as a "Sign of Contradiction" week in 2015 where you can see what a difference it makes to follow Christ and to not follow Him. That is, St. John Paul II said that Christ would be a "Sign of Contradiction." For some, Christ's and His teachings (taught by the Catholic Church) would be life and happiness itself despite the difficulties, sufferings, and wounds we may encounter. "If anyone wishes to come after me, he must deny himself, and take up his cross and follow me" (Mt. 16:24). For others, Christ would be a reminder of the evil they have done and their guilt would lead them to resentment and rejection of Him and His teachings. They have bought into the lie of the world "that you can have it all without truly following Christ."

This week, we were first presented with great goodness and holiness on Wednesday, February 4th (the positive sign) and then later in the week we were presented with some depressing, evil news (the negative sign). There is such a temptation in these situations to forget the goodness and be depressed by the evil. This has been our experience and evil continues to tempt us with despair. But no, we will not be wrecked by the sins of others and the evil around us! "Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with goodness" (Romans 12:21). We choose to do this overcoming by following St. Paul's other advice, "Love does not rejoice over wrongdoing, but rejoices in what is right" (1 Corinthians 13:6). In other words, we need to speak out against the evil around us by particularly highlighting and rejoicing in the grace that we find among the thorns. This is what I intend to do in this post.

So let me just say - if you want inspiration about the grace going on in the world and a saintly life to follow then let me point no further than to the upcoming documentary - THE DROP BOX.  



This documentary will change your life. Please do your soul a favor this Lent and see it on March 3rd, 4th, or 5th in theaters. Pastor Lee and his wife who are the heroes of the documentary are incredible examples of Christ's love and compassion to the least fortunate in the world. They decided to do something about all the abandoned babies in the world who were left to die on the cold streets of South Korea. Through a drop box, where women can place their unwanted infants instead of killing them, and an incredible ministry of Christian love poured out as total self-gift for each other and the world, they have saved over 600 babies!

Most of these babies are placed into foster care to adopt and then placed with loving families. This is particularly moving for a couple like us who want to adopt and have not been blessed with a child due to infertility. But also noteworthy is that a number of the mothers have had a conversion of heart. Pastor Lee and his wife have been able to reunite 140 mothers with their formerly abandoned children. Pastor Lee has also adopted 15 children, mostly with severe disabilities.

He also takes care of his own biologically conceived disabled child, who due to his disabilities had to spend 14 years in the hospital. Pastor Lee and His wife sold their home and literally lived in the hospital for those 14 years prior to the beginning of his orphanage. They credit their time in the hospital and their disabled child as the inspiration behind the founding of the orphanage. Talk about the sacrifice and love he and his wife have made for this ministry and the care for their disabled child! They are a true witness of Christ and they don't shy away from talking about how only their faith could have led them on such a radical journey of love.

To make things even more crazier, we had the privilege to meet Pastor Lee and to hear directly from him about his love of Christ poured out in this ministry at the prescreening of the movie. Wow! I felt like I met a living saint. He, along with his wife who wasn't able to come, really reminded me of Mother Teresa and her order's love.  As we heard Pastor Lee spoke, everyone was moved to tears all around us, including us. There was an grace-filled electricity in the room that spoke to our hearts: "We must be more like this man and his wife" and "We must change and be more Christ-like than we have been." I felt an incredible grace to give more self-sacrificially and be less damn selfish. Aren't we all selfish individuals in need of ongoing conversion? How arrogant we are when we deny this about ourselves and this is why we need to see films and meet people like Pastor Lee and his wife.

Also, the director at the pre-screening shared a moving testimony. The director experienced a conversion to Christianity while doing the film! He said that "he had intended to go over and help save these children, but instead was saved by them." This director is a young man of 26 who as part of his conversion gave up an addiction to pornography and an unhealthy, abusive relationship with a girlfriend.

Amen, amen in the goodness of Christ. Let's rejoice in what is right by seeing this film. Let's be like Pastor Lee and his wife and "take up our crosses and follow Christ."

See the trailer for the documentary here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yTQ2VTf5vWc

Please pray for us and pray for those around us.

tiny steps toward adoption

As Mr. M mentioned in our last post, we're planning to start the adoption process officially this year. That feels like a big deal, and I guess it is a big deal! Here's what we've been doing related to that:

• Setting up a fundraising/update blog (public) where people can donate to us and read how things are going - more on that to come!
• Compiling a list of addresses of people we'll send a fundraising letter to
• Writing our fundraising letter - that actually came together much quicker than I thought it would, thank you Holy Spirit!
• Reading books about parenting in general and parenting adopted kids specifically: I just finished "Parenting From the Inside Out" which was okay, but I liked "The Connected Child" better; I'm now reading "Parenting the Hurt Child"
• We set up an adoption budget: how much we anticipate spending, plus how much we anticipate saving from our jobs + fundraising, to calculate when we'll be in a good position to adopt, then work backwards to see when would be a good time to start the process - whew!
• Saving, saving, saving - We decided that February is going to be a no-spend month, meaning that we're going to try not to buy pretty much anything above and beyond our necessities. This means nothing in these categories of our budget: clothing, entertainment, haircut, home supplies (except essentials), books, gifts, and misc. I have $50 of "blow money," and that's it. It's not meant as a long term thing, just a "boost" to see our savings add up and our adoption budget grow. 

Finally, the thing that has meant the most to me emotionally: we're actually seriously prepping our house as if we're going to have a child here someday. Meaning, yesterday I moved all our cleaning supplies from the bottom of one closet to the top of another closet. And we went to Target and bought two tubs with lids to put all our medicines in, to child-proof them. And I am actually reading through a book called "Your Baby's First Year" to try and catch up on mom-knowledge and figure out what you actually do with an infant! And I measured stuff in our bedroom to figure out where a crib could fit....

......all of which feels completely surreal. First because we are still months (likely over a year) away from even having an infant, let alone a toddler, in our home! But I figured why not get a head start :) And it has been incredibly therapeutic to do these simple things. Basically for me it means taking a leap of faith and saying (at least in my heart) "I am going to be a mother." I still doubt it, but even acting like it's going to happen is a way of trusting, right? 

+EcceFiat+

Better Late than Never: New Year's Resolutions

Well, it is that time again. A new year - 2015! Both Ecce and I are feeling pretty excited about this year because we are hoping to accomplish a few, major goals this year. What you may ask are those goals? Well, thanks for asking! I'll tell you as they mostly revolve around infertility, but the last goal is the most important for this year.


1.) When the going gets tough with infertility, the tough get going. But to where shall these proverbial tough people go? To the Lord! So our first goal is to increase the faith in our lives in order to cope with the suffering. We hope to do this by making prayer a priority by maintaining a consistent prayer life. We pray together and as individuals frequently. We just have to get the consistency down.


2.) Well, we are really original with our next one here - I want to lose weight and Ecce wants to get her body "toned" (because she is already at a beautifully, good weight). How often do you hear that one? Well, I am going to try and I figure I can do it! After all, I have been disciplined in other areas of my life. Why not with food? Why is food so hard? Perhaps the lack of motivation? Well, I am doing it this year for my fertility and for goal number three.

3.) Begin the adoption process! It seems like the stars are starting to align for adoption and some time this year we will begin the process. We have a tentative date in mind, but we aren't telling yet. Shhh! It's a secret. We will share more with you on this one as the months progress.

And oh you may ask what weight loss has to do with adoption? Good question. Well I want to be in shape whenever the little one that God has planned for us arrives. I mean I think to myself, "I have to live 18 years, at least, for this little one. I better get into shape or I'm not going to make it!" Yeah strange, I know. I am already hoping to stick around for awhile with Ecce! But for some reason when I think of a little one, it gets my butt in gear. So I'm calling my plan to lose weight this year: The Adoption Diet. Any ideas for a funny tagline that is motivational? I couldn't think of any.

What are your resolutions for the New Year? Anything to do with infertility? It's really okay if they are the following: "Drink more yummy, spiked Egg Nog," "Watch more sad movies so I can blame them for why I am crying rather than the infertility itself," "Enter contest for who can drink the most spiked Egg Nog," invest in a punching bag so I can punch my way out of the frustration of infertility, or did I mention drink more spiked Egg Nog? All crossed my mind this year. Mmm...spiked Egg Nog Martini with Egg Nog cake and Egg Nog cookies and Egg Nog pancakes. I sure hope that is part of the new diet, cheers :-)

The 2015 Infertility Celebrity Representative IS...

Well the votes are in! You have spoken as to which celebrity from 2014 that you would like to represent our cause of infertility in 2015. It was a close race with every celebrity getting at least one vote. But the winner is ...

THE MINIONS! 

So expect many surprise visits from them in 2015 speaking about our cause to raise awareness EXCLUSIVELY on this BLOG! Yes, that's right they have agreed to do several interviews with us throughout the year. They are also very intent on working hard for us. They have already started brainstorming about our plot to start shrinking those Christmas trees in order to raise awareness about the suffering of infertility for next year's Christmas because we can't have the minions as our celebrity advocate without a diabolical plot! (click here and scroll to their nomination entry to see what I'm talking about). . .

Mwahahaha. The Minions are now on our side. NO MORE INVISIBILITY! Stay tuned. Stay joyful.
Stay Merry like a Minion this Christmas.

on feeling invisible

It's 4:30 a.m., and I can't sleep. I'm not surprised. Tonight (yesterday?) we had our monthly married couples' group, and per usual I was the only non-mother. Three babies plus one pregnant woman = emotional challenges. Strong emotions = physiological reaction (heart racing, sweating, shortness of breath, etc.) Physiological reaction = not good news for sleeping through the night. Sigh.

One thing that I've struggled with a lot while experiencing infertility is feeling invisible. Here are some examples of what I mean:

1. The assumption that all married people are also mothers and fathers. I come across this a LOT, in day to day conversation, in homilies, in online stuff. It's the idea that having children is a "when" not an "if." Yes, that's true for most people (eventually) - but not all! Where does that leave us, who are married but not parents? In some sort of formless limbo.

2. The lack of sustained treatment of infertility in Church documents and discourse. I'm very familiar with Church documents on marriage. I did my master's in marriage and family studies, and I work for the Church in the field of marriage and family. And lately I've been feeling a good amount of anger of how infrequently infertility is mentioned, and even when it is, how it's treated bizarrely. For example, in the preparatory catechesis for the World Meeting of Families 2015, the only mention of infertile couples is in a chapter called "All Love Bears Fruit." Sounds promising, right? Except not once is it stated that children aren't the only fruit of marriage, or that infertile couples are still fruitful - the focus instead is on celibates (single and consecrated, although the distinction is not clearly made - but that's another story), and the only direct mention of infertility is how childless couples are analogous to celibates because both have extra time and resources to give to others. Okay....not an awful point, but seriously? That's the only thing you could think of? You couldn't give one measly sentence to acknowledge the pain of infertility and childlessness? (Not to mention miscarriage...!) It's really hurtful to me to read documents like this that are supposed to be for all married couples, and not to see myself there.

And that's not an isolated incident.

3. Literally being overlooked. This has happened more than once: after mass, I'm either standing with friends who have kids, or holding one of their kids, and our priest (or someone else) makes eye contact with me for less than a second before giving the kids a big smile and talking with them. Or another couple with kids will give me a cursory "hi" before talking to the real people they want to see, the other parents.

I even had one time where I was holding a friend's daughter (Black) and someone I don't know remarked how cute she was (true) before saying, "She's not yours, right?" in a tone that said obviously not, and while yes, it was true, couldn't she have been adopted? Then she moved on to talk to the girl's mom ("How are you?" etc.) without giving me the time of day.

Garrrrr. Even writing this, I sound like bitter old barren woman!! And it's true - I do feel bitter! I feel a sour sensation in my very bones thinking of times I've been overlooked, ignored, looked through, not mentioned, and so on.

It's extra, extra hard when I feel like the Church my Mother doesn't see me. I know - or at least I want to believe - deep down that that's not true. But wow, it's hard to do with so much evidence to the contrary! Only rarely hearing prayers for infertile couples. Homilies directed at parents. Church documents that don't even think to list infertility as a challenge that married couples face.

In my more charitable moments, I realize that infertility is present to me every single waking moment in a way that it is not to others, not at all. I get that. But it still hurts! Where do I fit in? What is my value, not being a mother? How do I not let the bitterness I feel poison my heart? I don't want to shrivel up into a narrow-eyed judgmental person, always looking for people's missteps. Don't curse the darkness; light a candle, as the saying goes. And I do try to do that in hopefully appropriate ways, "raise awareness" etc.

But wow, so many days I just want to be - and feel - SEEN.

+Ecce Fiat+

Which Celebrity Would You Choose to Represent the Cause of Infertility?

As the holiday season rolls on in preparation for Christmas, we hear more often about different celebrities advocating for different charitable causes because it is the giving season. Seeing how medicine that seeks to treat the underlying causes of infertility, unlike in-vitro fertilization, is badly underfunded and we are one of the cases of unexplained infertility, which could very much benefit from increased money toward research, we would very much like to see this badly needed cause get a donation boost. This made us think that what we need on our side, other than Jesus, is . . . a celebrity! Nothing brings in donations like a celebrity using all of their media savvy and attention to draw awareness to a cause and to bring in money for research. So this got us thinking - which celebrity would you choose to represent our cause of infertility medical research?

This will be our first ever "Infertility Bloggers and Friends Poll." ***After voting here, feel free to link up to this poll on your own blog so we can get as many votes as possible.*** That way, many people can have a little fun here!

Here are the 2014 nominees. Please vote in the comments, but feel free to write your own nominee in the comments section below too. The voting ends next Wednesday the 10th and the winner will be announced next Thursday.

A.) Martin Freeman. As Bilbo Baggins, he never experienced the joy of Samwise Gamgee's blessing to have a family so he must know something about infertility. He is also pals with Gandalf, which couldn't hurt our cause.

B.) Stephen Colbert. He is a man that is willing to take on causes that are not that popular, like advertising for pistachios during the superbowl.

C.) Jennifer Lawrence. As Katniss in the Hunger Games, she knows adversity and suffering. Given that we face a lot of suffering, it makes her a natural choice. She also has mad bow skills, which I am sure is relevant to our cause somehow.

D.) Amy Adams. Not just a great actress, but she can also sing. It is always nice to have a singer and actress on your side. To date there are no songs about infertility that I know of so it may be nice to have her do one for us. Perhaps, she could get her friends the Muppets to help out too?

E.) The Minions from Despicable Me. Having a thousand minions is always helpful to any project. Plus they are just so cute and adorable. Who wouldn't give to a minion asking for money? Plus, if people didn't give money, then the minions could get Dr. Gru to form some diabolical plot to find money, like threatening to shrink all of America's Christmas trees to the size of peas until the tree of life is given a chance in couples with infertility!

So readers who would you choose from this worthy bunch of celebrities to represent our cause?

"When are you going to have children?"

Mr. M's Musings again-

Preparing for the Thanksgiving/Advent/Christmas season is mostly a joyful process for Ecce and Mr. M. Time to get the old dust off of the decorations. Time to start signing hymns and carols. Time to put together a magical, culinary shopping list for a glorious gastrointestinal pleasing feast. And, above all, time to pray a little more deeply into the mysteries of the seasons of Advent and Christmas. Above all, it is primarily about Christ at our house. (Etymology lesson: holiday is a short hand way for saying holy - days!!! Put that into the secular mainstream and they wouldn't be able to greet you with anything at department stores without offending people!)

Yet, the holidays bring an extra challenge of preparation for those struggling with infertility. It is a time to prepare our hearts for the inevitable obstacles of the holidays. Yes, you probably know what I am talking about - dealing with all the little children running around, the pregnant relatives, the surprise pregnancy announcements over a cup of egg nog, and the questions. Our least favorite question - "When are you going to start to have children?" 

I wish we could say it was rare to get this question, but it is not. We got this question last year from a well-wishing cousin who we see once a year. To make matters worse, it came on the heels of his own completely unexpected pregnancy announcement. Ecce immediately headed for the bathroom in emotional upheaval and I was left face to face with the perpetrator of privacy. So my mind thought in a split second - do I brake out in anger here? Do I play the privacy card? Do I pretend I didn't hear him? What do I say? The holiday cheer was quickly slipping into holiday gloom.

I think I mumbled at first and then I was honest since he asked. "Well actually we are struggling with infertility." I didn't want to say it. I mean we have an anonymous blog for a reason. But I said it. So I left those words hang in the air for what seemed like an eternity. I didn't intend to be mean or to steal his joy, but I was just shocked by the question - so I gave him an honest answer. 

That was the most gracious response I could come up with at the time. But it's that time again and I need to get ready spiritually for the questions. So I am putting together an action plan ready with the right response this time. Here is what I have come up. 

To that soul-piercing question "When are you going to have children?" We could answer them with an equally invasive question "Did you have sex last night?" If that makes them uncomfortable because it is private, then perhaps they would realize that the result of that sex act is also private! But given that this blog post is not about "how to alienate your family this holiday," I am seriously contemplating giving this answer this year: "we have been blessed with none so far." 

Ecce in a moving piece has talked about "being blessed by one" here, but I think if we truly reflect upon our infertility that it has had blessings in it too. Despite the pain, I think we could truly mean it and say that "we have been blessed with none." Of course, infertility has been major heartbreak after major heartbreak. Most days, we would probably like to respond in scrooge like fashion that "we have been cursed with none!" Can you imagine the family's expression after that one?!

But really, do I wish I wouldn't have to say "we have been blessed with none so far?" Yes, I like privacy. Do I want the person's compassion? Yes, I need it for healing. And do I want them to know that we have been trying to have children and we are suffering! Absolutely. But I also want them to know that we remain blessed despite the broken biology. Even more importantly, I want them to know that family size is neither indicative of the absence of God's blessings nor proof of a holy life. And I want others to know how blessedness can come through brokenness. Isn't that the whole Christmas message after all? A light is revealed to the world in the darkness.  I think this phrase "we have been blessed with none so far" captures all of those sentiments and is a statement of our faith in a hope that goes beyond whether or not we receive children. It is statement of faith in what matters this holiday season - our love and fruitfulness in Christ. 

What do you think of my response? Too cheeky? Too awkward? Too unreal and other-worldly? 

What do you do with the holiday questions?