Cycle Day 1, aka Mr. M's birthday

Well, it's that time of the month again. (Actually yesterday - didn't have a chance to post.) AF showed up right on schedule, just in time for Mr. M's birthday. I was so hoping that I could add to his birthday card, "Happy birthday....dad," but not this time. So we start cycle 20 and keep on praying. (I was also really, realllllly hoping to not have to do the SA, but that's on our schedule for this month now.)

I could have also subtitled this post "Why I Love My Husband." If it were me, and CD1 fell on my birthday, I would have been a total puddle the entire day, crying into my birthday cake...but Mr. M is just so faithfully cheerful! He was disappointed, for sure, but he still had such a joyful attitude - he thanked me profusely for his birthday breakfast of cinnamon bun mug cake and a smoothie.




Mine looked nothing like this - they didn't explain how to get that swirly look! I guess with a frosting bag? Anyway, way too much work for 6:30 a.m. But my version still pleased my husband's sweet tooth! =)

He oohed and ahhed over the super sappy card I got him, he loved his gift of a new board game (Last Word), and he enjoyed our dinner together downtown. It was so cute - they brought him a cup of ice cream with a candle since it was his birthday, and he let the little girl at the table next to us blow it out...he's such good dad material! I don't know what I'd do without his cheerfulness - he makes me laugh, even on CD1! Despite 19 disappointing months in a row, my heart still had a swell of gratitude and happiness for the amazing man I married. Happy birthday to my best friend in the whole world!

+EcceFiat+

Consolation / Desolation

I've been thinking a lot about what a friend told me a week or so ago. She said that when she lifts up Mr. M and I in prayer, she has a distinct feeling that this childless time of our life is just a season, and that this season will pass.

Oh, how I hope she's right.

Her words stuck with me because they made me think (obvious alert) about how some times of life are filled with consolation, and some are filled with desolation. I feel pretty lucky (blessed?) that most of my memories fall in the first category. I had a relatively happy childhood, got a good education, have made some amazing friends, found a wonderful husband, have traveled and done some interesting things. Lots of consolation.

But right now, the scale tips not-so-subtly toward desolation.

We've been trying to get pregnant for a year and a half. That's desolation any way you slice it.

My parents are going through some serious troubles. Mr. M's parents are already divorced. Both situations are really tough.

Mr. M just got a serious setback on his PhD work.

I wouldn't describe my job as my dream job. I'm so grateful for it and love my coworkers, but it's not what I want to do for the rest of my life.

And smaller things: our apartment is somewhat cramped, it's blah wintertime, my paycheck is lower than it was last year, our hall light is broken and dangling down from the ceiling in the most ghetto way possible, whine whine whine.

In general, the word I would use to describe how I've felt lately is stagnant. I feel like nothing is happening in my life - nothing I want to happen, anyway. Compared to other times of my life, when I felt happier and like things were more interesting and more vibrant, this has been a tough chunk of time.

Then today, I had lunch with a wonderful friend who was visiting from out of town. I haven't seen her since before she got married in July. Turns out she is expecting a honeymoon baby, due in May. She and her husband are living in her hometown and just bought what sounds like a dream "starter" house. As I was listening to her, I felt the now-familiar green creep of jealousy working its way up from my heart. I'm so happy for her, truly, but between us, I had to walk back to work awfully slowly to quell the sobs that came right on cue.

But it did occur to me that my friend hasn't always had it this good. She's gone through her own times of desolation, one of which was about the same time that I was engaged and getting married - a time of consolation if ever there was one! I wonder how she felt then. Maybe like I feel now.

I told her before we parted that I was struggling, and that I could really use something right happening in my life - some good news for once! I hesitated to bring up my gloominess in the face of all her joy - but I guess that's what good friends are for, right? She was very sympathetic, and agreed that sometimes things are just tough. But then, she said, you turn a corner, often precipitated by a surprise, and whammo, consolation is back. And I know she knows that shift from experience.

I really hope to find that corner soon. I really hope this season of desolation ends. Spring comes every year, right?

Why I Love My Husband #1

I thought this would be a fun series to start, and certainly uplifting!

Why I Love My Husband: Reason #1

I love tea. And hot chocolate. Really, hot drinks of any kind. Especially in winter. So I was quite sad yesterday when Mr. M called me at work to tell me that my beloved teakettle had started to flake off from the inside and had dumped a lot of gross paint flecks or something in his teacup. Gross!

I love my husband because he drove all around town yesterday, trying to find a teakettle for me. But they were all so over-priced or were boring colors like stainless steel or white. Or they didn't have whistles.

But then he spent time this morning finding teakettles online that are right up my alley.

He even found one that's identical to my lately bemoaned kettle, which my mom had found at a thrift store!

Yes, it is a cow =) And it has a little bell that actually rings and a tail!

He also sent me links to other wonderful-looking kettles:

It has leaves on the whistle!

Such cute little horns!


Not an animal - still very pretty.


I can't figure out how to get out of caption mode...anyway,  I love my husband because he went out of his way to find me a lovely kettle so I can have hot drinks again =)



 

This valley of tears

Some days, the waiting is just more painful than other days. I can't quite figure out why. It's not like anything major happened. Maybe it's hormones? I do know I have two events coming up this weekend where I'll be the only married non-mother, and even though the events in general are things I'm looking forward to, I dread being the odd one out (again). Or maybe it's because Mr. M's birthday is coming up and it's hard to think of celebrating another birthday without a little M. Plus, lately birthdays make that biological clock tick a little bit louder...Or maybe it's just feeling like I'm stuck in a rut, doing the same old thing, never having enough time for things I enjoy, just feeling kind of stagnant.

Whatever it is, today's a day that praying the Salve Regina brings me a lot of comfort, particularly the line that says:

"To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve. To thee do we send up our sighs, mourning and weeping in this valley of tears."

Yep, life lately does feel like a valley of tears, punctuated by way too few valleys of sunshine and smiles. (Can you tell that infertility has really brought out my melancholic temperament?) I guess this prayer always comforts me because it acknowledges that life can be really, really hard. Even as a Christian. Mary knew that - probably more than any of us. This earth is not our final home. Perfect happiness is not found here. I don't think that's "escapist" thinking as much as recognizing that we are pilgrims heading toward a home about which we've only been given fleeting glimpses. And on days like today, I find that comforting.

The Eucharist & Pregnancy, or, Do you realize what you've received?

As my little "About me" blurb says, I'm a Catholic convert. That's a story for another time, but the cliff notes version is that I became Catholic at the Easter Vigil my sophomore year of college. I had been attending mass for about a year, having started my freshman year because I was reading such wonderful and slightly shocking things about the Church and I decided I needed to see what Catholic worship was like in action. I still remember my very first time at mass: I sat on the left side, halfway back, and I must have looked like I was doing the wave! Everyone stood up, then I stood up. Everyone kneeled, then I kneeled. I had no clue what was going on.

But I made myself stick it out just to get the hang of it, and lo and behold if I didn't fall in love with Jesus in the Eucharist! And I fell hard. I had been raised in churches with the Lord's Supper, so I was familiar with the externals of the ritual. But to read that Catholics believe that Jesus is actually present in the bread and the wine - body, blood, soul, and divinity - and to see this miracle take place right before my eyes at every mass - wowie.

I still remember vividly what it was like to attend mass after I was given the gift of faith in Jesus' real presence in the Eucharist, but before I could receive Him myself. I was so happy to be there, but my heart longed to receive Him. I would kneel during communion and as the line of people moved toward the altar, I would think: "Do they realize what they're about to receive? Do they know that they're about to receive Jesus Christ, King of the Universe, into their very bodies? Can they see that heaven is opening up before them??" and so on. Typical convert =)

And yes, Easter Vigil 2005 was unspeakably special! I've never regretted becoming Catholic, and on the contrary often find myself still struck by a profound sense of gratitude at coming into the treasure trove of the Church.

So here's the connection with pregnancy: in my current state of longing-to-be-a-mother, I have an incredible sense of awe when I see a pregnant woman. Not that it's not mixed with other less palatable emotions (jealousy, for starters...) but I have a similar train of thought that my pre-Catholic self had re: the Eucharist: "Does she realize what a miracle is taking place in her body right now? That there's an actual human person living out of sight, tucked beneath her heart? That she is supplying everything that little one needs? That no matter what she does or where she goes, her son/daughter is with her, waiting, living, squirming, growing, etc.? That she and her husband have co-created an immortal human soul? How does she go about her day-to-day life when such a momentous thing is taking place??" and so on.

Mothering really gets me too. I was telling Mr. M the other night about how much I look forward (God-willing) to experiencing all the "firsts" with our children: how amazing it must be to show your child their first snowflake, their first spring daffodil, to kiss their first skinned knee, braid their hair for the first time, watch them eat their first banana, hear the words "mom" or "dad" for the first time. To be a mother seems like a fairytale land of wonder to me!

I'm trying my hardest not to be totally naive. I do know that pregnancy is not all bliss and cute "bump" clothes, and that parenting means risk and heartache as well as love and hugs. But maybe something I've gained from this trial of infertility is the ability to see and appreciate the real jaw-dropping wonder-full semi-miraculous event that begetting a child is? I don't know. Maybe I'll look back at this post in 5 years and laugh at how unrealistic I was. But I kind of hope not. Because having been Catholic for 7 years now, I don't laugh at my pre-Catholic self who couldn't take her eyes off Jesus in the Eucharist. Actually, I think I had it more right then - now, it's harder to remember Who is present at mass and Who I'm receiving. I have to remind myself of the miracle that's taking place right before my eyes, so as not to get "sluggish," as the first reading today said.

Wrapping this up...I guess it's not like we'll ever fully grasp the miracle and beauty of transubstantiation, or of pregnancy, or of existence, or love, for that matter. I guess that's because we're finite. Anyway, this post shares something I've been thinking about for a while.

Friday Quick Takes #2

Happy Friday!

1. I've only had my blog public for the last week or so, and it's already been a very enriching experience. Thank you! Full confession: I've been a "lurker" of many blogs for a while now, and it's very exciting to get to know some of you a little better. I've so appreciated everyone's blogs - your thoughts and reflections, especially on subfertility, have helped me so much. So thanks! I only wish that we could all meet in person =) Maybe someday!

2. Guess what? Mr. M and I won a vacation! Way back in the summertime, we filled out one of those contest forms at an air show. And just this past week we got a call saying that we were selected as finalists. Here's the "catch": we have to pick up our award (yet to be determined) at a resort in the countryside near us. But it's not really a catch because they're paying for us to stay at the resort for 2 nights. (I think the real catch is, based on what we've googled, they put a lot of pressure on you to buy a time share at their resort - seeing how we completely cannot afford that now, it won't be too difficult to say no. But apparently they can be pretty pushy.) Anyway, we're going on our free getaway in February. We never really do things like this (accept prizes that may have strings attached) but they caught us at such a perfect time. January has been so blah and I am really in need of a vacation with just the two of us! So I hope it's fun and relaxing and we're not snookered out of our life savings...

3. In other happy news, a long-lost friend returned, one that I was missing very much...Mr. Sun! Seriously, it seemed like the sun didn't come out for 2 years! Or maybe 3 days - but still, I'm awfully affected by weather, I guess, but the dismal, gray, blah-ness outside was making me want to curl up in a ball and sniffle. I was so happy to see the sun this morning! I even turned my desk at work around so I'm now facing my window and can see the glorious, glorious blue sky.

4. I used some Christmas money to buy the book Nourishing Traditions. Has anyone read it and/or used any of the recipes? It's teaching me a lot about food and food preparation, and I'm rather alarmed at how much (it seems) our culture sacrifices nutrition and quality on the altar of convenience. I find the book a bit overwhelming, though. Some of her suggestions are radical: drink only raw milk, soak all your grains, cut out sugar, etc. I'm ready to try some of the radical stuff in an effort to get as healthy as possible - but I'm going to take baby steps. (And I'd be so appreciative of any advice from people who have read/used her book.)

5. Update on the SA, since I mentioned that last week: this cycle was a fail. We found a hotel near the hospital where we have to take the "sample," but all the rooms were either booked or way over-priced because of the Inaguaration (which gives you a hint as to where we live if you'd like to come visit!). So us cheapos decided to wait until next cycle. Oh well. I'm not going to say we were completely crushed to not have to do it, but I am anxious to move on to other things.

6. We have a fig tree in our living room. It's a cutting from Grandpa M's fig tree that he keeps in his garage during the winter. We have it sitting next to a south-facing window, near a heater, and not surprisingly, it thinks it's spring time! It has lovely big leaves and just this morning I saw little baby figs on it! I'm not sure whether to be excited about this or concerned that it's interior sense of seasons is way off.

7. And to conclude: I really enjoy the little "Friday Funnies" that people sometimes put on these, so I'll share something that I think is funny: joke Amazon reviews. Maybe you've seen these already. For example, reviews of the BIC pen "for her" say things like:

"Someone has answered my gentle prayers and FINALLY designed a pen that I can use all month long! I use it when I'm swimming, riding a horse, walking on the beach and doing yoga. It's comfortable, leak-proof, non-slip and it makes me feel so feminine and pretty! Since I've begun using these pens, men have found me more attractive and approchable."

Or: "I love the pretty colors and skinniness, but I'm only giving two stars because they're annoying. For one thing, they dot every "i" with a little heart. They also won't make periods at the ends of sentences; it's a question mark or exclamation point every time, also dotted with hearts--SUPER annoying."

I don't know why, but these crack me up. (Warning: some are a little crude. But most aren't.) If you need a chuckle, I recommend reading them! The reviews on the 3 wolf moon t-shirt are pretty funny too.

Have a great weekend, everyone!

+EcceFiat+

Words I love to hear

Today I ran into an old friend and he asked me, "How's your family?" meaning myself and my husband. There's something about that phrase that always makes me happy - I think it's the recognition that Mr. M and I are already a family - a family that hopes to welcome children, but a family nonetheless! It's such a small phrase, but it means a lot to me.

"The family, in fact, is born of the intimate communion of life and love founded on the marriage between one man and one woman. ... The family unit, in fact, is born from the communion of persons." (The Compendium of the Social Doctrine of the Church, nos. 211, 213)