Day-dreaming, and two prayers

I've been in a day-dreamy mood. Dreaming about the future, in particular. What will tomorrow bring? What will next year bring? Of course those dreams are wrapped up with our hopes to become father and mother. I asked Mr. M the other day in the car (I was upset because I read a pg announcement of a non-IF blogger, but I was too embarrassed to tell Mr. M that): "Do you think we'll ever get to a point where we'll look back on this time and it will all just be a bad dream?"

I felt a little bad saying that, because I knew it implied that life with my wonderful husband could be a "bad dream"...I was in a dramatic mood, what can I say. But I do look back on other times in my life and they are like bad dreams: the time immediately after my boyfriend of four years broke up with me. That was a rough year and my heart really only started to heal after I did mission work for a summer and after he proposed to his new girlfriend. Totally bad dream material. You couldn't pay me a million dollars to go back to that episode.

So when will we turn the corner? When will all of this IF struggle be but a bad dream, an experience that helped us grow but that - good riddance - is over?

And that got me thinking: wow, this is not a way to live a life...hoping for nothing more that time progresses faster already and the next phase of life comes. Of all the indignities that IF brings, I think this is the worst: the sense of disappointment about my life. The sense of incompleteness, of foreboding sadness, of the "siamese twin of suffering" (a phrase from a fellow IF sufferer).

So here's prayer #1: Dear God, please let IF not have such a grip on my life! 

I really, really miss not going on the roller-coaster of hope and disappointment each month. I can barely remember what it was like pre-IF to get my period and not have an intense emotional reaction. It just was a fact of being female, nothing more or less.

If I'm perfectly honest with myself, I would definitely say that IF consumes a large amount of my waking thoughts. It's just always there, like my shadow. Does it define me? If so, I resent that. But I can't deny that IF has become a defining factor of our married life. We talk about it often - it's just always there.

I want to be free...to just live my life and not have to always be thinking about being childless, always fighting back against inner tendencies to be jealous, to sulk, to plead, to beg for a child.

And that brings me to prayer #2. This one is pretty standard, I guess: Dear God, please show me what you want me/us to do with our lives.

I wrote about it before: not having children really opens up options. Of course I know that it's enough to just live our marriage, witness to Christ through our love, do our jobs well, and be content. No question about that. And maybe that's what God will ask us to do: live a childless life, happy with each other, open to serving those in our families and neighborhood, living "the little way" that St. Therese talks about so beautifully.

But I can't shake the desire of my heart for something more. I can't shake the desire of my heart for motherhood. And this thought occurred to me recently: how wonderful it would be to have something to do that takes so much energy and is so worthwhile and fulfilling that I don't have the time or luxury of sitting around feeling sorry for myself and my childlessness!

For example, mission work. Mr. M and I have talked about this recently. I spent a summer on mission in Honduras, and I loved it tremendously. I felt so alive. It felt so worthwhile. I spent a LOT of time with little kids and loved every minute. Those experiences have been returning to my mind lately, and Mr. M (who has only done 2 weeks of overseas mission work) voiced the idea independently. He was actually the first one to bring it up as an actual possibility. "Maybe we could go to an orphanage and adopt all the children!!!" was the way he put it. Not sure that's legally possible, but I love his enthusiasm!

What if...and I know this probably sounds nuts, and I'm getting waaaaay ahead of myself...but what if we do go to an orphanage in a foreign country, and we serve there, and we love the children like they were our own, and we give them something of the father and mother they never had, and we serve together, and we live in peace and simplicity, and the knowledge of our infertility becomes less all-consuming and more like one detail of our lives among many more interesting ones.

Like I said, I'm in a day-dreamy mood...

This is why I need God's help to figure out what we should do! Maybe I'll get pregnant next cycle, and that would change things awesomely! Or maybe He will make it clear that we should pursue adoption now. But I'm now at the point where I want to think about what the Catechism calls "performing demanding services for others" (no. 2379) as something to which an infertile couple - us - might be called.

A plan of action

I'm a pretty practical day-dreamer, I guess =) I realized that it would be really cool if Mr. M and I could stand in readiness for whatever God calls us to next. He still needs to finish his dissertation - that's a given. That's at least a year. So over the next year (the Year of the Dissertation, as I'm thinking of it), there is so much we can do to be poised for our next task in the Kingdom. Such as:

• Prayer prayer prayer! I'd like to get back in the habit of doing a weekly holy hour and maybe even a daily rosary (I'm horrible at both).
• Spiritual direction: get the wisdom of our favorite priest to help guide us
• Investigate: explore options of adoption and mission work
• Simplicity (financial preparation): pay down our last loan, don't rack up debt, don't buy a bunch of stuff that we don't need, practice living simply

[Maybe this is clear "between the lines," but lately I've been feeling ambivalent about continuing medical treatment. I know we've done barely anything, and I know I can change my mind practically at any moment, but I don't feel excited about it and instead feel a real heaviness thinking about a major surgery and even doing an SA...I'll save that for another time, I guess.]

More than anything else, I pray to trust God that He will make His will clear! He will not leave us in the dark, but will guide us if we stay docile to the Spirit. Basically I want to ready our hearts to say "Yes" to whatever the Lord is asking of us. So far our marriage has looked quite different than so many of our friends - maybe that will be the case forever, maybe it won't. But I want to spend less time comparing my life to others' lives and much, much more time seeking my own destiny. =)

And a closing quote, paraphrased (I looooove this quote and idea):

Vocation is where your heart's deepest longing meets the world's deepest needs.

Jesus, I trust in You!

+Ecce Fiat+

How do you cope with the two week wait?

Any day can be tough when you’re struggling with IF. But I think it’s a well-attested fact that the so-called “two week wait” (2WW) can be particularly hard: that time of the month when you could be pregnant, you might be carrying in your womb an eternal human being fresh from the hand of God…or it could just be you still, barren still. Another cycle, no baby. I’m not sure what God had in mind with this design, but the fact that there’s about fourteen days from the fertile window of my cycle until when I could reasonably know whether the answer is “yes” or “no” to my question Am I pregnant??...that’s a bit tough! Not knocking your divine creativity or anything, God…!

So how do you cope? I was thinking about what helps me, which might be totally different than what helps someone else.

For me, this is how I try to handle the 2WW gracefully and sanely:

1.       Find my happy place. Meaning, project forward something fun/interesting/joyful that’s coming down the road, ideally sometime around when AF is due to arrive. For example, during this 2WW, whenever I catch myself feeling down, I think about our goddaughter’s baptism coming up later in the month. I visualize being there, feeling the love and joy of the moment. Or I think about my birthday, also later this month, and visualize the special surprise Mr. M is preparing and how I’ll feel loved. If there’s no event coming up that I can think about, I try to focus on the good things around me: thank you God for my husband, thank you for the beautiful fall colors, thank you for my general overall health. It’s not a magic charm, but I do find it helpful especially to think about good things coming up, people I’m going to see, as a reminder that my world will still have something good in it even if AF comes.

2.       Distractions! Related to number 1, it can help me to just keep busy. Work is good for this! When big projects are approaching, I simply don’t have the time to wonder “Am I? Am I not?” Taking up hobbies has really helped too – I like reading, playing piano, and sewing. If I can get “lost” in one of those hobbies, the time passes pleasantly and with as little anxiety as possible. Plus it helps me feel like I’m not just twiddling my thumbs waiting for baby, but am becoming a more interesting, well-developed human being.

3.       Take it to Jesus in prayer. I guess I should have listed this as number 1 =) IF has really forced me to cry out to Jesus in a more “real” way than I had before. I like to picture myself resting my head on His Sacred Heart like the beloved disciple St. John. When pangs of longing, anxiety, uncertainty etc. threaten to overwhelm me during the 2WW, I try to turn to Jesus: “Jesus, I trust in you. Jesus, help me.” I speak with Him honestly: “This is so, so hard. Please take this cross away. Please send us a baby” and don’t worry too much about not sounding devout enough…He knows my heart, after all. No fooling Him with pretending to be more holy than I am! =) But of course I ask for the graces to accept this cross, to desire God more than a baby, to not turn babies into idols, and so on. I’ve found the 2WW in general to be very profound spiritually. It’s like my heart is more vulnerable or something.

There’s probably more to say, but those are my top 3. Thoughts?

How do I not live in fear of pregnancy announcements?

Over-dramatic? Maybe. But really, this has been one of the tougher things about this IF experience: the nervousness, anxiety, fear, whatever word you want to use, that this person I know is going to announce her pregnancy, that I’m going to be caught off guard, react poorly, cry, or internalize it and get all thrown off kilter for hours.

Hello, self. People get pregnant! Apparently other people, but still! Given the number of people I know, and the percentage of those who are married and of reproductive age, it’s not shocking that I get pregnancy announcements on a somewhat regular basis. (Or at least so it seems.)

Here’s one example (these are both true stories, btw): I arrange to meet a friend I haven’t seen in a while. I’m looking forward to catching up, since I haven’t heard from her since before her wedding, almost six months ago. But she’s in town and we’re meeting for lunch. We attended grad school together and formed a close bond, although we hadn't keep much in touch once she moved away. On the way to lunch, I catch myself getting nervous: What if…what if she’s pregnant? How will I react? No, I’m sure would have told me earlier, right? Well, she was pregnant, and she didn’t tell me in advance. She just kind of blurted it out when she first saw me. (She was 20+ weeks - it wasn't like she found out yesterday.) Lunch was…difficult. Me trying to collect my thoughts and be pleasant and happy for her while my heart was bursting with pain, and a fair bit of hurt to be surprised like that…

Or here’s another setup: there’s a coworker who recently got married, and I pass her cubicle often on the way to the kitchenette. Before too long, I see a little cryptic but not-so-cryptic sign in her cubicle to the effect that she’s expecting…wham. Heart pangs again. I take an alternate route to get my coffee now…

So when I’m meeting up with a married friend who isn’t pregnant already or didn’t just have a baby…I wonder. Is she…? How will I handle it? I feel like I have to prepare myself, psych myself up for every encounter…just in case. Because it happens!

And when anyone in my sphere of encounter gets married, I brace myself. Will they announce something soon? How will I handle it?

I wonder if anyone who’s not gone through IF can even get what I’m saying…how much interior preparation it takes just to call a friend I haven’t spoken with (Is she…?) or plan a get-together with a recently-married friend (What if…?). Who knew that would be so hard? I hate it, and I can’t seem to overcome it. My emotions are unpredictable, and I constantly feel vulnerable, wide open to heartache from the innocently begun, “So, we have some news…”

(To my friends' credit, many of them have told Mr. M first about a pregnancy, and let him break the news to me at a good moment. I appreciate that, although it's still far from ideal. I feel bad that Mr. M has to receive all the pg announcements - I know it affects him too, although differently. And some of our friends have told other friends earlier than us, which makes me feel left out. Plus, it's very humbling to feel like I'm being given special treatment, that I "can't handle" a face-to-face announcement like most women. It's true, I can't, but still. I guess there's  just no good way to tell someone, "You know that thing that you've been wanting for over two years? That you think about all the time? That your heart desires more than anything else? Well, I got it." [add: "again / without even trying / and we didn't even want it!" for maximum effect.] Yeah, doesn't seem like there's an easy way to tell someone that.)

This makes me understand why IF can be so isolating. I really do sometimes feel reluctant to attend social gatherings or to call a friend. Depends on where my heart is that day, and where I am in my cycle. And sometimes I feel like I only want to spend time with unmarried friends, because I know they won’t inadvertently trample my tender heart…

Gah. Life is such a minefield when your heart desires a baby.  

Guest post from Mr. M!! On "How to Live in a Post-Fertility World"

I'm excited to share with you my first "guest post" ever, written by my husband. =) He was just all of a sudden hit with an inspiration and wanted to share the following on my blog. "I wrote it for you!" he told me. I really love hearing his thoughts on this subject, and I hope you do too! Okay, other people's husbands' turn now...maybe this will start a trend? =)

Today, we do not just have a culture that is anti-child, but a culture that is post-child, or what I like to call it, “post-fertility”. More and more people say that they just don't see the point of having children. So many people don't see children as a gift, and they don't see fertility as a gift but as something to control and suppress. Many people seem to have moved “beyond” fertility – it simply doesn't matter to them. The so-called child-free life touting its narcissism in Time this August is a case in point (see “The Childfree Life: When Having It All Means Not Having Children”). The current stat, according to one author, is that 20 % of women now opt out of motherhood! What I want to address here is not how horrible this whole idea is (which it is), but rather how someone like me, who is struggling with infertility, should deal with all of these gushing, sickingly happy post-fertility comments floating in our society. Honestly, some of the greatest personal suffering comes when I hear people flounce the idea of not having children as the next big and great thing. No, it is not so great. Let me count the reasons to you why you are wrong and get really defensive and angry here about how horrible you and your ideas are as I turn your little Time article into a paper airplane sent into a big black hole known as my garbage can.

Okay, no this won't do. What is a better response then? Well, I turn to the gospel here for some guidance. This past weekend we were given a beautiful gospel about one way we can deal with all of these situations. It was the reading about the pharisee who in righteous judgment denounces the tax-collector for being a tax-collector and violating the law. Similarly, I realized that I am being that pharisee when I denounce someone because they are child-free and I, good Catholic that I am, and struggling with infertility, stand in righteous judgment, happy to know that I am being open to life. No, this just won't do. Being open to life is the morally right thing to do, but I am not better than the child-free person the moment I start comparing myself to them. That is ironically their whole problem that I just stepped into myself! That is, they are comparing themselves to the infamous “Joneses”.

The Gospel has a better idea for us – we need to stop comparing ourselves to others, like the Pharisee. In the end, I won't be judged by how well I did vis-a-vis my child-free friend or even my holy friends who are parents, but rather how much I imitated Christ. So in those moments we want to get upset at our post fertility, “child-free” world, let's not waste our time comparing them to ourselves (however valid those comparisons may or may not be), but instead like the tax collector compare ourselves to God and then beat our breasts in recognition of how far we fall short of being like Him. This must be our first response when we become aware of evil in the world or in ourselves. We must respond to sin by being more holy ourselves: “Don't be overcome by evil, but rather overcome evil by doing good” (Romans 12:21). Blessed are we that we don't just have the ability to compare ourselves to God or rest on our own capacity to accomplish this, but we can also become one with God through the mysterious grace of Christ.

But there is a second thing we can do: embrace this cross of suffering at the hands of our world who just doesn't get that children are a gift. As St. Teresa of Avila taught: “Once you embrace a cross, it’s no longer a cross.” At the moment of embrace, it becomes a joyful affirmation of a love and a hope beyond all suffering and pain. Again this is straight from the scriptures. St. Padre Pio commenting upon the scripture's presentation of the crucifixion says, “We all have a cross in life. It’s just what we do with it that matters. Be like the good thief.” It is worth pondering this line again and again.

Finally, we need to be thankful even for the suffering. Out of suffering comes life, comes love. Maybe it is for this reason that Jesus says to St. Faustina in a vision that “it is not for the success of a work, but for the suffering that I give reward.” In this, I take great hope. But what we always have to remember is that it is true that out of suffering comes life, fertility. We may not want to admit it, but the great saints were made out of the crucible of suffering. Christ Himself had to suffer. Perhaps this great horrible suffering of infertility has somewhere a bow wrapped around it? I'm still searching for that bow, but in the meantime I will thank God in advance despite all my feelings otherwise.

So my prayer for you both my dear fellow infertility companions and my post-fertility culture is that we look to no one but God and His will and pray with the hope and trust of a little child to be more like Him through His grace, embrace the cross of suffering we have been given, and find a way to be thankful for it. I know this is not easy, I struggle with it everyday so please pray for us as I pray for all of you, especially my brothers and sisters who don't see the real gift of their fertility and of children.

+Ecce Fiat's Hubby+

My Pre-IF Self

Way back when, when we were first married and I hadn’t given two seconds of time to thinking about possibly not having children…I was such a different person. It’s really interesting to me now to think back about things I used to do before TTC became agonizing and “infertility” become a regular word in my lexicon. Before I joined the ranks of people to whom childbearing does not come easily…all that seems so, so long ago.

Anyway, in the first few months of our marriage, after peak day, I used to go to those websites that predict your due date and find out when our baby we maybe conceived would be born. And then I would daydream about summertime outfits or bringing the baby to Thanksgiving or what feast day s/he would be born on.

I would plan up elaborate or simple ways to tell our friends and family “the news,” picture their faces, feel the joy…before our first Christmas, I had no doubt that we would share the news at least by then, and get to talk to our nieces and nephews about their new cousin, get to open baby gifts on Christmas Eve…

I also used to go to the library and check out books about pregnancy and fetal development, just to “get a head start.” I remember sitting on our couch one cycle during the post-peak time and looking at the early, early pregnancy photos and thinking how wonderful it would be if that little two-celled immortal soul was inside me.

And the baby names…even before getting married, I would doodle girls’ and boys’ names in the margins of my notebooks. One name we discussed on our honeymoon was “Giulia” (pronounced Julia) – that was the name of the street we stayed on during our honeymoon in Rome. My husband’s half-Italian and our last name is Italian, so it would work =) Until my first period as a married woman came, I daydreamed about telling little Giulia how she got her name…

There are other names that are dear to me, but that I’ve tucked deep within my heart. We’d love to name a son after my husband, with the middle name of his maternal grandfather; we’d love to name a daughter after our mothers and his grandmother (their names overlap somewhat!). And of course there are some dear saints’ names too.

I also have a few baby items tucked away. They’re in my parents’ basement, to be specific. I have two winter outfits, those one-piece snuggly outfits with ears. One is pink and one is brown, just like a baby-sized teddy bear. (It’s the ears…they get me every time.) I also have an old wooden child’s potty chair, complete with a toilet paper holder and a magazine rack! I saw it at a yard sale and couldn’t resist. And I have a hiking baby carrier that my mom encouraged me to buy at a yard sale. I hemmed and hawed and finally bought it, mainly because it was such a good deal. I feel a little silly having this stuff, but God knows I’ll use it if we are ever so blessed!

And I have two baby books: one to be filled out by the baby’s parents, and one for the grandparents. Once after IF became real, I filled out part of the book, which asks about my background and my husband’s background, how we met, and so forth. It actually was pretty therapeutic, although it seemed somewhat like a pointless exercise…but I think it helped me be grateful for our marriage a little more.

So yeah, these are things I generally don’t tell people. Things I used to do. Stuff I have for no apparent reason other except that giving them away would feel like a total defeat… I tend to clam up or walk away whenever the conversation turns to pregnancy and baby-raising. It’s just interesting to me to peer back in time at the person I once was…I miss that innocence, that feeling that every cycle could be “the” cycle, that anticipation and wonder. I’ve more or less shut that door of my heart at this point. But the memories are still there.

+EcceFiat+

If you can't beat 'em, join 'em

We just spent a lovely long weekend visiting friends out of state. These friends have a 2.5 year old - their little boy, in fact, was born the day after our wedding! His dad was one of groomsmen but never made it to the church...and no, we will never let them live that one down!

They are expecting a little girl - our goddaughter! - in November. I'm so excited to be a godmother =)

My friend, the wife, has no idea what it would be like to experience infertility. To say it's a foreign idea to her would be an understatement - her life is filled with sippy cups, being pregnant, staying in her PJs all day, and playing with her son. Yes, I am jealous =)

So this sounds like the set up to an emotionally awful visit, right? Pregnant woman + little child = heartache and tears, usually.

But the thing is, we love them. All of them. Even with their magical fertility. Because they love us. My friend listened to me for an hour (during naptime) while I complained about our infertility, about the cost of adoption, about painful tests, about everything that she's never experienced. She got tears in her eyes (not the first time either) as she told me how sorry she is, and how she wished things were different. How much she hopes that I become a mother someday.

Yes, moms and non-moms can get along =)

And then there's the little boy...after the first half-hour of shyness, he decided that I was his new best friend =) He wanted me to hold him all the time - my arms are aching today! - he wanted me to put on and take off his shoes, to put on and take off his sweater, to play in the toy kitchen and with the trains, to hold my hand, and to change his diaper...I let his dad do that last one =)

We had the funniest conversations, about animals that live in the ocean and things outside the window, about his favorite gelato flavor (red) and his baby sister, about oreos and elephants. About his favorite food, which was potatoes one time and coffee another. I haven't laughed so hard in a while, hearing his cute little phrases! We went to the beach and dug a big hole, looked for seashells and made a sand castle. Every time we came to a red light he shouted "go!" And you should hear his imitation of a lion's roar...

Consider me completely smitten...

Yes, it hurt to be with a little child! Yes, my heart hurt - physically hurt - to think "I want this so badly..." Yes, it was painful to be in the midst of my dream deferred...to see his mom with her 8-month pregnant belly cuddling with her 2.5 year old...of course that hurt.

But you know what? I wasn't just on the outside - I was on the inside, too. Not "as" inside as his mom - but I know I mattered. I know I loved that little guy, and my plan is to be the "unofficial aunt" to him and however many kids my friends have =) Because when I was growing up, there were adults that mattered to me other than my parents! In fact, sometimes they mattered more than my parents! (teenage angst...) Yes, I want kids of my own. Now, preferably. No, yesterday. But...I can either mope and avoid friends with kids (which I do) or I can find a place in the tableau, not hate my fertile friends (or at least not too much...) and love their kids.

It's kind of a radical love, too - because I know very clearly that my friends' kids aren't mine. I have to give them back, they're going to run to their mom when they get hurt...but whose kids are really "theirs"? Isn't that the whole point, that parents "borrow" their children for a time?

I don't know...that all sounds too simplistic, and I'm certainly not saying that everyone needs to/should spend time with little kids. I just know that my heart - even though it still hurts - feels awfully loved after a weekend with a little boy who held his arms up to me: "Hold?" who wanted me to sit by him in the car, who snuggled on my lap while we read about dinosaurs and farm animals and trains (did you know that the Little Engine who Could was a girl? I had no idea.) No, I'm not a mom. But I can still do motherly things, and I like to think that helps tip the scales of the world closer to "happy."

IF makes me feel so left out...loving and being loved by my friends' kids makes me feel less left out, more part of the action. Valued. Important. Not a total ignoramus when it comes to taking care of a little creature =) Thank you, my friend, for trusting me with your son! Thank you for not leaving me isolated in IF quarantine, but inviting me into your home and not making a big deal about how great your life is...we all have to play the hand we're dealt, and we're both trying to do that with more or less success.

You're just lucky that I didn't "accidentally" put your son in our car before we left...I've got big plans for the baptism weekend! Trains, fishes, oreos, books...not to mention totally hogging my goddaughter! Feeling blessed.

+EcceFiat+

Weirdest cycle ends, and a 2nd opinion

The weirdest cycle is over. AF came right on time, i.e. on the day she normally comes. So strange - I didn't even think I reached my peak day and it's over already. I guess the one paltry day of CM was it for this cycle. But I really didn't feel "post-peak" at all...who knows if I even ovulated. If you get your period, does that mean you ovulated?

Anyway, bummer that CD1 is here (actually CD3 by the time I'm writing) but I'm actually glad my cycle didn't last and last and last. Good riddance, tamoxifen! I'd like my body's normal CM back, please. Sheesh.

A Second Opinion

On October 1st, I saw a new doctor. She came recommended to me by a friend that I met at a mass I helped plan for couples struggling with infertility. This friend and her husband had been trying to conceive for 6 years, had had two m/c's, and found out they were pregnant a few days after the mass. Everything is going well and I just got the invite for her baby shower (still thinking about whether to go or not). I like to think I had some hand in their miracle baby because I helped plan the mass =)

Anyway, my friend highly recommended this new doctor, Dr. S. Her practice is connected with a local Catholic hospital, and it's about half the distance compared with my other doctor (big plus). Also, the waiting room has soothing colors, magazines other than pregnancy and parenting mags, and pictures other than pregnant women and babies (huge plus!)

Dr. S spent a lot of time going over my history, listening carefully to all the tests I've already done. She did a basic exam and then laid out what she thinks are our best options right now:

1. Get the semen analysis done.
2. Have an ultrasound ovulation series to see whether I'm ovulating, etc.
3. Laparoscopy (which she called pelviscopy, but said they're the same thing).

Ideally, these three would be done in that order. She was surprised we hadn't done the SA yet (we attempted in February to no avail) and reminded me how important it is. I know, I know...okay, that's a good reminder to just do it already. Sigh. Not looking forward to that.

The ultrasound series shouldn't be too bad, just time consuming.

The surgery...well, it's a major surgery. I know many others have gone through it, so that's encouraging. She said she usually doesn't recommend surgery to new patients, but we've already traveled pretty far down the IF treatment road. She also said that 60-80% of women with inexplicable infertility have endometriosis, so that's interested. (We're not technically in that category since Mr. M hasn't been tested yet.)

I think this sounds doable (I'm in a positive frame of mind right now for some reason). Three things to do. Just one at a time. No more drugs.

(In the back of my mind, a big motivation for doing this "list of 3" is that I'd like to get close to exhausting our options before moving forward with adoption. I think I'll have more peace of mind knowing we tried to get some answers to our reproductive issues.)

Interestingly, Dr. S didn't seem to think that the polyps were that big of a deal...she said they "could" present problems, but did not encourage another hysteroscopy to remove them. She said you want to minimize uterine surgery (makes sense) and that it's not sustainable to keep surgically removing polyps (makes sense too). She said that if we do the laparoscopy, most likely she'd remove the polyps too - depending on their location, etc. I actually was hoping that someone would offer the more major surgery to me because if I have to have surgery again, why not the whole shebang?

So that's that. We're going to try step #1 as soon as feasible. Step #2 needs to wait through this full cycle because the Tamoxifen is probably still in my system, which means it probably won't happen until after Christmas. And if we get to step #3, I guess before Easter? I like planning with loose deadlines...

At the end of our appointment, Dr. S asked with genuine concern, "How are you doing emotionally?" I didn't say much - did not want to cry - but really, really appreciated her concern. So that's a plus too. I'm very positive about this. My other doctor was fine, but I felt like she was running out of suggestions and I don't mind not driving over an hour to feel like a sore thumb in babyland.

+EcceFiat+