Friday, November 9, 2012

Wishing for someone else's cross

Right now I have a rather strong love-hate relationship with "mommy blogs." You know the kind: written by a woman, usually a stay-at-home-mom, featuring the endearing, difficult, and intolerable aspects of raising children. Depending on my mood and vulnerability that day, I'm either uplifted by cute tales and adorable pictures, or strongly, strongly tempted to despair and jealousy. Can I start a club of mommy blogger wannabes? Because I so want to be part of the mommy blog club!

About the title: it's really easy for me to read a blog post about someone experiencing post-partum depression, or facing a high-risk pregnancy, and actually feel jealous of them! It can't be that bad, I reason, because at least they have children/are pregnant. At least they have that consolation, that reason to suffer. Which on the one hand is true, I guess. Suffering for someone, especially for one's child, has to be easier than just plain suffering.

But on the other hand, I know this reaction is so wrong! Everyone has their own cross. It sounds trite, but it's true. Mine right now is subfertility. And it's a heavy cross, one I wish I didn't have to carry. But post-partum depression is a pretty heavy cross, too. Nothing to be jealous about, that's for sure! It's hard work to make sure that my desire for motherhood doesn't disorder my reactions to crosses that mothers bear.

+Ecce Fiat+

Monday, November 5, 2012

Cycle Day 1 is...

...trying to hold back tears


...bracing myself for oh-so-fun cramps up for good the hopes of this particular month: announcing a pregnancy at Thanksgiving, being pregnant for my 28th birthday, telling dh's grandparents (who are nearing the end of their lives) that another great-grandchild is on the way and abandonment. Lord, you know what you're doing, right?

...offering up again all of my hopes for motherhood; feeling very keenly my lack: lack of a child in my womb, lack of a child in my arms, lack of a chubby little hand in mind

...reminding myself that this is only the first month of trying post-hysteroscopy

...trying not to think of how many cycle day one's I've been through already and how many more might be to come

...avoiding my visibly pregnant coworker (I know, horrible. I'm not that close to her anyway.)

...opening that bottle of wine I was holding off on "just in case"!

...trying not to feel dehabilitatingly sorry for myself

...remembering all the other women who are going through all of the above and more. You are in my prayers every day!

...clinging to the Promise: not of a child necessarily, but of abundant life, of Jesus' presence

...blegh =(


Friday, September 28, 2012

One more drop

Just when I think that I have enough to offer up, something else difficult happens.

I had my surgery (hysteroscopy) on September 6th, and we've had to abstain for this entire cycle, which hasn't been easy.

Pregnancy announcements, friends with little kids, pregnant coworker, and mommy blogs have been hurting my heart.

Mr. M's grandparents are both very ill, and his grandma most likely will die before Christmas.

Our kitchen had to be fumigated for roaches, so for four days all - ALL - of our kitchen items were spread around our apartment making a perpetual mess. We also couldn't use the kitchen, not even to wash dishes, so we were eating off of paper plates in our junky, crowded dining room.

Then my mom called today with bad news about my family.

What else?!?!

Just when I think that I can handle these burdens, these heartaches, these pebbles in my shoe, something else happens. My soul feels stretched thin to the point of breaking, and I'd like to get off the train, please!

I cling to this: Just when I think that I can't take anymore, that I have nothing left to give, that my bucket is dry, I realize there's just one more drop of grace in there than when I last looked.

I take a deep breath and look around, and I see: my amazing husband who's ready with hugs and something funny to make me laugh; my friends, two of whom I saw unexpectedly this week after long abscences; beautiful music to lift my spirits; beautiful fall colors; a car bill that could have been really expensive but wasn't; a church right across the street from work where I can go be with Jesus; a fun outing planned for Sunday outside with good friends; a healthy-looking chart this month!!!

It reminds me of the story from the Old Testament about Elijah (or was it Elisha?) and the widow: her jug of oil never quite ran dry. It must have scared here everyday, looking at her child and looking at how low the oil was. But it never ran dry, not completely. There was always one more drop.

Jesus, I pray for one more drop of grace to bear everything you've given us right now!

+Ecce Fiat+

Thursday, September 13, 2012

Thinking about the future

Mr. M and I were talking last night about our future. We're at a really unique stage, I think, in that there are a lot of unknowns: will we have a baby? when will we have a baby? will/when will Mr. M finish his PhD? will/when will we move to a different town? My future hasn't always felt so unknown. When I started college, I knew I'd be there for 4 years. And 2 years for grad school. But now, our future feels very open-ended. Mr. M is beginning work on his dissertation, which could take anywhere from two years to...never being finished (which does happen!) I could get pregnant next cycle...or never.

Come to think of it, either of us could die today.

The specific impetus of this discussion was that Mr. M got an offer for a part-time teaching position for the spring, for an online Catholic school. He's done it before, so the prep work wouldn't be much. It's about a 10 hour/week commitment, so that's not horrible either...but in conversation, he shared how much he would love to have time to dedicate himself fully to his dissertation. It's such an intense undertaking, and both professors and fellow students have advised him to not commit to anything during this time.

So where does that leave us? More than anything else, I want to be a mother and stay home full time. I'm not a mother yet - will I ever be?

These are our conclusions now: I will keep working until a) I have a baby or b) Mr. M gets a full-time job that can support our family. Hopefully a and b will occur somewhat together! This gives me a sense of peace, because one of those events is bound to happen sooner or later, right?