Monday, November 5, 2012

Cycle Day 1 is...

...trying to hold back tears


...bracing myself for oh-so-fun cramps up for good the hopes of this particular month: announcing a pregnancy at Thanksgiving, being pregnant for my 28th birthday, telling dh's grandparents (who are nearing the end of their lives) that another great-grandchild is on the way and abandonment. Lord, you know what you're doing, right?

...offering up again all of my hopes for motherhood; feeling very keenly my lack: lack of a child in my womb, lack of a child in my arms, lack of a chubby little hand in mind

...reminding myself that this is only the first month of trying post-hysteroscopy

...trying not to think of how many cycle day one's I've been through already and how many more might be to come

...avoiding my visibly pregnant coworker (I know, horrible. I'm not that close to her anyway.)

...opening that bottle of wine I was holding off on "just in case"!

...trying not to feel dehabilitatingly sorry for myself

...remembering all the other women who are going through all of the above and more. You are in my prayers every day!

...clinging to the Promise: not of a child necessarily, but of abundant life, of Jesus' presence

...blegh =(


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