Friday, November 9, 2012

Wishing for someone else's cross

Right now I have a rather strong love-hate relationship with "mommy blogs." You know the kind: written by a woman, usually a stay-at-home-mom, featuring the endearing, difficult, and intolerable aspects of raising children. Depending on my mood and vulnerability that day, I'm either uplifted by cute tales and adorable pictures, or strongly, strongly tempted to despair and jealousy. Can I start a club of mommy blogger wannabes? Because I so want to be part of the mommy blog club!

About the title: it's really easy for me to read a blog post about someone experiencing post-partum depression, or facing a high-risk pregnancy, and actually feel jealous of them! It can't be that bad, I reason, because at least they have children/are pregnant. At least they have that consolation, that reason to suffer. Which on the one hand is true, I guess. Suffering for someone, especially for one's child, has to be easier than just plain suffering.

But on the other hand, I know this reaction is so wrong! Everyone has their own cross. It sounds trite, but it's true. Mine right now is subfertility. And it's a heavy cross, one I wish I didn't have to carry. But post-partum depression is a pretty heavy cross, too. Nothing to be jealous about, that's for sure! It's hard work to make sure that my desire for motherhood doesn't disorder my reactions to crosses that mothers bear.

+Ecce Fiat+

Monday, November 5, 2012

Cycle Day 1 is...

...trying to hold back tears


...bracing myself for oh-so-fun cramps up for good the hopes of this particular month: announcing a pregnancy at Thanksgiving, being pregnant for my 28th birthday, telling dh's grandparents (who are nearing the end of their lives) that another great-grandchild is on the way and abandonment. Lord, you know what you're doing, right?

...offering up again all of my hopes for motherhood; feeling very keenly my lack: lack of a child in my womb, lack of a child in my arms, lack of a chubby little hand in mind

...reminding myself that this is only the first month of trying post-hysteroscopy

...trying not to think of how many cycle day one's I've been through already and how many more might be to come

...avoiding my visibly pregnant coworker (I know, horrible. I'm not that close to her anyway.)

...opening that bottle of wine I was holding off on "just in case"!

...trying not to feel dehabilitatingly sorry for myself

...remembering all the other women who are going through all of the above and more. You are in my prayers every day!

...clinging to the Promise: not of a child necessarily, but of abundant life, of Jesus' presence

...blegh =(