We're back from our vacation and had a wonderful time! I have many, many pictures to share - we took almost 500! - but they are still on my camera. Stay tuned =)
So many great moments on vacation. It was so, soo, soooooo good to get away from work, the stress of moving, email, the computer, etc. for a week. And it was so good to spend every waking and sleeping hour with my husband! That just doesn't happen for us working girls, and I guess not really for lots of people beyond spouses who work together. So it was great!
I wanted to write about Father's day, to process my thoughts. We were still on vacation on Father's day, in a little mountain town in Colorado far, far away from anyone I know. I love my parish, but just like with Mother's day, I was relieved to be among strangers and not among all our wonderful mom-and-dad friends at our parish.
Visiting a parish, I didn't know what to expect. The priest did make a special welcome to fathers at the beginning of mass, and encouraged us after communion to pray for our fathers, be they living or deceased. I thought that was a really nice touch. I have a very good relationship with my dad (thank you God) but Mr. M's is more strained (not his fault) and some close friends of ours have difficult relationships with their dads too. So it was good to spend time in prayer for them, and also deflected the ever-lurking pity party.
At the end of mass, though, they had all the fathers stand for a blessing. My heart sank =( I have to admit (warning: not pretty thoughts coming...remember, this is me processing) that I actually felt quite angry at the Father's day blessing. I was kind of surprised by my feeling. As most of the men in the church stood, and my husband stayed sitting beside me, I squeezed his hand hard and tried to stay calm. I felt a real sense of unfairness, almost like people were getting rewarded for something they couldn't take credit for...meaning, it's like the fathers get a pat on the back for having a perfectly functioning reproductive system and marrying (or sleeping with) a woman with functional ovaries and good hormones, etc. I know - horrible thoughts. But it just made me mad that no one was asking my husband to stand and be honored and blessed for what a good husband he is and how he is open to life, how he's a great god-father, uncle, etc. All because the two of us can't get that darn sperm and egg thing working right! It's not like we haven't been trying...
Sigh.
Then after mass, they were handing out this little magnet to the fathers, saying happy father's day! Mr. M graciously declined, but it was an awkward moment as the guy was holding out the magnet, not sure what to do, so I said (probably not very politely), "We'll take one anyway" and grabbed it out of his hands. (Not particuarly proud of that.) He said, nicely, "Give it to a father." The magnet says: "Blessed the man who walks with the Lord." Well, that would be Mr. M, so I kept it and it's on our fridge.
Mr. M handled Father's day so much better than I did, per usual =) I asked him if he was sad, and he said he was, and that he really wants to be a father, but he was calm even during the fathers blessing, and said it's good that the church recognizes fathers because there sure are a lot that could use extra prayers! (Including Mr. M's dad.)
We went to mass Saturday night so we could spend the morning hiking on Sunday. Mr. M told a lot of fathers hiking with their kids, "Happy father's day! A great day for a hike!" and I can't express how in awe of him I am at how gracious he is and loving to so many people. (Getting choked up thinking about it...)
But I know it's hard for him too. One moment that broke my heart was the day before father's day, we were returning to our cabin after a hike, and he saw a dad and his two boys scampering up a rocky overlook. He paused, looking at them, and said, "Man, I would love to do that someday." (Getting choked up here too....) I said, "I so, so hope you do! You'll be a great dad!" And then he cheered up, my great sanguine husband who handles our infertility so much better than his melancholic wife!
That was rambling - sorry. I was praying for all the husbands out there who so much want to be fathers, and for the wives who want to buy their husbands a happy father's day card, and for all the men and women who are still looking for a spouse, and of course for dads and grandpas and uncles too!
Hopefully I'll share some of our 500 pictures soon =)
+EcceFiat+
Can't wait to see the pictures! I think it sounds like the magnet is very apropos for your husband.
ReplyDeleteI'll be interested whether you've been to some of the same places we went!
DeleteI do think Father's day can be harder than Mother's day sometimes. I would love to see some of your pics from vacation, it sounds like a wonderful place!
ReplyDeleteI wonder if as women we feel our husband's pain acutely, and that's one reason it's hard. Also it is a challenge for me not to think, if it wasn't for me, he'd be a father by now! In other words, feeling some guilt that I know is wrong but hard to fight sometimes.
DeleteYou know what stands out to me from your reflections here? How compassionate you are! That is a virtuous thing in itself, even if it stems from your own desire for motherhood. I'm praying that the Lord will use that compassion to do something wonderful.
ReplyDeleteThanks, KJL :)
DeleteMy heart breaks to read of your experience, because ours was so similarly awkward and painful. My husband started the day not feeling the best, and at church several people enthusiastically told him "happy father's day" (just not thinking...saying it to everyone). He was really crushed by this--usually he is fairly non-emotional and I make up for both of us--but for some reason it got to him. He also has a terrible non-existent relationship with his own dad, who he has never met, and who acted like a jerk when my husband tried to reach out to connect with him a few years ago. It was definitely way harder than mother's day to see him so grieved over both of those things. But the rest of your vacation sounds sublime, I will look for the pictures!
ReplyDeleteUgh. I'm so sorry. I don't know why people think saying "happy father's day" is just like saying "merry Christmas"! It just makes sense to me not to say it to a stranger without kiddoes around if you don't know their situation. I'm sorry for all your husband has been through :(
DeleteCan't wait to see your pictures!!
ReplyDeleteSo sorry your Father's day was rough. Fortunately for us, I think, my husband basically slept through it--he was on nights, 9pm-10am, for the past week. So he slept like 11am-6pm, and then we went to a Mass at an unfamiliar parish. The priest did a short blessing without having the fathers stand up, at the end of the intercessory prayers for all men who "are fathers, those who have lost children, and those who want to be fathers"... I think that priest gets it. It was appreciated.
That's beautiful, Katie. Such a simple but compassionate gesture! I wish more parishes did that! !!!!
DeleteFather's Day is worse for me than Mother's Day :(.
ReplyDeleteI love that you kept the magnet! And what in the world would we do without our husbands to balance us?!?
Can't wait to see you next month! And I'm looking forward to seeing your pictures :).
Agreed! My husband is a rock. I feel like I can breathe easier now that mday and fday are over this year. You never know quite what to expect except that they'll be hard.
DeleteCan't wait to see you too!!
There was a blessing of fathers at the Mass we attended. I too got angry during it. I kept thinking, "No, just stop. Please stop. No blessing." There hasn't been a blessing at our parish for Mother's Day or Father's Day for years, so this was very out of the ordinary. My DH wasn't bothered by it so much, but I was upset enough for the both of us. :P I wish the priest would have at least acknowledged that it might be hard day for some (due to death of a father or a child or IF).
ReplyDeleteThat's my thought exactly: just a brief, brief mention that father's day could be hard would be so reassuring! Katie's comment above is a good example of a simple way to do that - so simple that I don't know why prayers like that happen so infrequently! I don't want to be stingy about celebrating fathers (or mothers) - I guess my heart just yearns for concrete pastoral care when our lack feels so tangible.
DeleteThe Father's Day blessing was lumped in with the final blessing at our mass so everyone was already standing, just like Mother's Day. It was even more painful and I know I held onto Mr JB's hand really hard so I didn't break down.
ReplyDeleteSo glad you kept the magnet and thank God for our hopeful husbands!
That's so hard - I feel like crying a lot at mass and then we go socialize and talk with our priest and put on a happy face...and I agree, my husband always is more hopeful than me and it's such a blessing!
DeleteHi Ecce,
ReplyDeleteI'm like you in that I constantly feel that my long-suffering husband is quite a bit more virtuous than I am. At least, he's better at responding to IF with hope, rather than with bitterness and jealousy, like me. I'm sorry that Father's Day was rough. I went to my Catholic parish that morning by myself that morning, and I was so thankful that I didn't have to stand with the choir and watch my DH remain seated as all the dads stood for their blessing. Sometimes, I feel more angry on DH's behalf over IF than my own. After his parents' divorce, his own dad wandered off, didn't pay child support, and started another family rather than be responsible to the son he already had. DH has always wanted to be a dad, in part so he could raise his child in a stable, permanent marriage and be there for his kids as a way of coping with his own childhood. It makes me so angry that he hasn't been able to do that because of my IF.
One thing that stood out for me in your post is that people shouldn't get blessings for fathering children, as if that requires any effort, most of the time. One of my dad friends on FB posted that fatherhood is a choice. He and his wife suffered through seven years of IF before they adopted two children, and then got pregnant--twice. But having experienced adoptive and biological fatherhood, he more than anyone realizes that you don't get an automatic gold star for merely fathering a child. Maybe, one day your DH will be able to stand, either because you guys have conceived, or because you will have made the choice to be parents in another way (I'm not necessarily talking about adoption, but perhaps through mentoring a child, coaching Little League, being there for a child in the neighborhood who needs you, etc.)
Praying for you!
Yeah, I felt a bit conflicted writing about that...I don't at all want to imply that fathers/fatherhood shouldn't be celebrated. And maybe this is my IF-brain talking, but it seems to me that motherhood/fatherhood is often treated like something you do or achieve, not something you receive. Meaning that mothers/fathers are patted on the back: "Way to go! Way to conceive a child!" when really, it wasn't ultimately up to them (if it was, you'd bet I'd have a couple kids by now!) And it's not like every childless couple consciously rejected children either. These are things IF teaches you!
DeleteI of course think every father who accepts his child(ren) and raises them lovingly should be fully celebrated - especially when so many fathers reject that identity and their responsibility. (I'm so sorry your DH experienced that; my husband has a similar story.)
And I should have added that the priest on Father's day emphasized fatherhood as a vocation, which I really liked. Generally we don't choose a vocation - it chooses us, in a certain sense (even though we must say "yes" to it). And there's always room to grow in one's vocation; it's never "once and done." A man is a father the moment his child is conceived; but really living out the vocation of fatherhood is another story, and I wholeheartedly support praying for that!