Saturday, December 14, 2013

That'll be $100, please

Yup, I was right. No more than 10 minutes after arriving at our grad school's Christmas party, I'm talking with an acquaintance (she graduated a few years after me and got married this past summer), and she says, "Well, I have some great news..." and she's due in July.

I'm glad I was prepared, ha!

I'm glad there was alcohol at the party. Just the thing to soothe a weary heart and ease the pain of cramps...

I'd like to say to everyone reading this who has struggled with IF or is currently all are amazing women. I know from the inside what it feels like to have that constant throb in your heart of longing for a child, and the daily, hourly challenge of not being jealous and resentful of all the people around you who are given this blessing and don't even seem to realize the immensity of is serious spiritual bootcamp to fight against jealousy, sadness, anger, sorrow, desolation, and more on a continual basis. I salute each and every person who is bearing this cross! Many days I count it as a major success that I have not lost my faith, our marriage is still good, I got out of bed and interacted kindly with people, even people who spring pregnancy announcements on me. Small goals, but so huge when your heart is aching.

Overall the party was fine, really. There were plenty of single ladies who were there who I'm sure are missing not only a child but a husband. There were many kind, pleasant people to talk with. But it's still hard - my heart just can't seem to get off it's one-note lament, "I wish I had a child, I wish I had a child." Could you please be quiet for a moment??

I'm proud of myself for going, because there are many people who matter to me that it was good to see and catch up with. I'm proud of myself for smiling and for offering up all the little "jabs" - listening to a mom-to-mom conversation next to me that I couldn't participate in...offering to hold a baby so his mom could fill her plate, only to have him cry: "Oh, he's going through a mommy-only stage" the mom explains...having several conversations interrupted so the mom or dad could go retrieve their wandering toddler...there are just so many reminders of my childlessness, that no one else would ever see or even know. But God knows.

+Ecce Fiat+ 


  1. Glad you held it together at the party. That would have been tough. I've never heard IF described as a spiritual bootcamp before, but I think you are right on!!!

  2. You are a strong women. Those events are really hard. Sometimes, I feel like my heart is being boxed constantly at such events. You are a warrior and I believe God knows your heartache too. I'm praying for you and I admire your strength.

  3. Oh, friend, God does indeed know. And I think the "small" goals that you mention are actually quite huge! SO hard to do sometimes, but the fact that you are out there and being faithful is beautiful!

  4. This post reminds me of St. Therese of Lisieux's "Little Way." She offered to God her little annoyances and sufferings (even something as small as another nun who "clicked" her rosary beads too loudly!), and became a saint in the process. I had never really connected with St. Therese until I was going through the pain of infertility, but her book, "The Story of a Soul", has been very helpful to me in recent years.