The Fear of Suffering Infertility and a True Story

Another Mr. M post...
           
                  Do you have a fear of suffering? Hmm... that is an interesting question isn't it? I have never thought about my own fears vis-a-vis suffering until recently. I was reading a book and it proposed that one of the greatest obstacles in our relationship with Christ is not suffering, but the fear of suffering. We know suffering is inevitable in life and yet how many of us are really ready to accept suffering for Christ? I know I am sure not. Why? Because upon reflection, I realize that it is because I am afraid of suffering. I don't want to face the suffering Christ might be giving me to become a saint. I often think that "suffering is too much" and I just try to escape it. But the fear lurks because I haven't really confronted my unnamed fears. 

                  So what are the unnamed fears in regard to infertility? There are many but I realized that one of the greatest fears of infertility is not right now but in the future. I fear the future possible suffering of having an entire life of barrenness, the loneliness that ensues, and aging into our old years without the friendship and companionship of children. What's worse is the thought of leaving my wife all alone should I die before her, like most men do. Who is going to take care of her? Who is going to take her to medical appointments? Who is going to cry with her? Who is going to help her pay bills? Who is going to hold her hand when everything around her crumbles into uncertainty? Who is going to pray with her? Who is going to die with her? Sigh.

                 Recently, this fear struck me forcibly by an event that is nothing short of a miracle. We take care of a dear old, elderly widow by bringing her groceries every week. She has no family to take care of her. So I asked her after about a year and a half of friendship what the story was about her lack of a family and she said "we just couldn't conceive." "I was pregnant only once over fifty years ago and I miscarried. Everyday of our early marriage just seemed so unfair. I once knew a woman who had 19 children and I couldn't even get pregnant once." Gulp. Cue emotional tears here. I asked her how she got by. "Well I don't think I got by. I just took it day by day and prayed a lot of rosaries." That's it. Those were her simple words of wisdom to us. As I looked upon her, I then thought of her as potentially being my future wife in several decades and all of those above questions hit me like a ton of bricks.
                "Well what if?" I said to God later that night. "Where will you be then Lord?" Then, in response to my frustrated challenge, I heard as clear as day the Lord say to me in prayer, "I have provided for your dear elderly friend by sending you and others to be her children in old age, do you not trust that I would do the same for you and your wife? I am gentle and loving and I have always gotten you through suffering. I will provide and I will be with you always." At this moment, I realized the incredible blessings the Lord had provided us also in our own infertility - this elderly lady's friendship and the opportunity to serve her.
                When we first started helping her we had no idea her back story and she didn't know anything about us. We just knew she needed groceries because she was a shut-in due to her age. So my wife went first and then me and then it became a weekly thing, which again we didn't know it would be in the beginning. Eventually, we became friends, we had her over for dinner, we took her to the race track once (she loves horses), and we took her to some parish events etc. Only much later and very recently did we discover what I told you above. Wow, what a mystery. Unbeknownst to us, the Lord brought us together to help alleviate not just her suffering but undoubtedly her suffering of loneliness due to her infertility and, in turn, the Lord gave us a beautiful friendship and comfort to my fear of later suffering in infertility. God brought us together to help both of us in our infertility. None of this was expected when we said "yes" long ago to the Lord's plan to take an elderly lady groceries. Isn't it amazing how the Lord provides in the most unlikely of places? And what is crazier is that I am not sure any of this would have happened had it not been for our infertility. That is, if we were running around with children because we were blessed with a child early on in our marriage, then would we have really said yes to this weekly commitment or rather more likely find someone else to do it, perhaps our single friends?
                I don't know. But this event gave me dramatic pause in how I consider suffering. We often say that a greater good comes out of every suffering. And for once, I feel I got to experience that greater good with certainty. Yes, I still struggle with infertility, but now I know a little bit more clearly that truly God has us in the palm of his hand. I learned that I just have to trust God a little more, be a little less afraid of suffering, and "take it day by day." After all, what is to be feared when you have God bringing good out of all things? Indeed, "perfect love drives out all fear" (1 John 4:18).