Friday, September 28, 2012

One more drop

Just when I think that I have enough to offer up, something else difficult happens.

I had my surgery (hysteroscopy) on September 6th, and we've had to abstain for this entire cycle, which hasn't been easy.

Pregnancy announcements, friends with little kids, pregnant coworker, and mommy blogs have been hurting my heart.

Mr. M's grandparents are both very ill, and his grandma most likely will die before Christmas.

Our kitchen had to be fumigated for roaches, so for four days all - ALL - of our kitchen items were spread around our apartment making a perpetual mess. We also couldn't use the kitchen, not even to wash dishes, so we were eating off of paper plates in our junky, crowded dining room.

Then my mom called today with bad news about my family.

What else?!?!

Just when I think that I can handle these burdens, these heartaches, these pebbles in my shoe, something else happens. My soul feels stretched thin to the point of breaking, and I'd like to get off the train, please!

I cling to this: Just when I think that I can't take anymore, that I have nothing left to give, that my bucket is dry, I realize there's just one more drop of grace in there than when I last looked.

I take a deep breath and look around, and I see: my amazing husband who's ready with hugs and something funny to make me laugh; my friends, two of whom I saw unexpectedly this week after long abscences; beautiful music to lift my spirits; beautiful fall colors; a car bill that could have been really expensive but wasn't; a church right across the street from work where I can go be with Jesus; a fun outing planned for Sunday outside with good friends; a healthy-looking chart this month!!!

It reminds me of the story from the Old Testament about Elijah (or was it Elisha?) and the widow: her jug of oil never quite ran dry. It must have scared here everyday, looking at her child and looking at how low the oil was. But it never ran dry, not completely. There was always one more drop.

Jesus, I pray for one more drop of grace to bear everything you've given us right now!

+Ecce Fiat+

Thursday, September 13, 2012

Thinking about the future

Mr. M and I were talking last night about our future. We're at a really unique stage, I think, in that there are a lot of unknowns: will we have a baby? when will we have a baby? will/when will Mr. M finish his PhD? will/when will we move to a different town? My future hasn't always felt so unknown. When I started college, I knew I'd be there for 4 years. And 2 years for grad school. But now, our future feels very open-ended. Mr. M is beginning work on his dissertation, which could take anywhere from two years to...never being finished (which does happen!) I could get pregnant next cycle...or never.

Come to think of it, either of us could die today.

The specific impetus of this discussion was that Mr. M got an offer for a part-time teaching position for the spring, for an online Catholic school. He's done it before, so the prep work wouldn't be much. It's about a 10 hour/week commitment, so that's not horrible either...but in conversation, he shared how much he would love to have time to dedicate himself fully to his dissertation. It's such an intense undertaking, and both professors and fellow students have advised him to not commit to anything during this time.

So where does that leave us? More than anything else, I want to be a mother and stay home full time. I'm not a mother yet - will I ever be?

These are our conclusions now: I will keep working until a) I have a baby or b) Mr. M gets a full-time job that can support our family. Hopefully a and b will occur somewhat together! This gives me a sense of peace, because one of those events is bound to happen sooner or later, right?