I've been thinking a lot about what a friend told me a week or so ago. She said that when she lifts up Mr. M and I in prayer, she has a distinct feeling that this childless time of our life is just a season, and that this season will pass.
Oh, how I hope she's right.
Her words stuck with me because they made me think (obvious alert) about how some times of life are filled with consolation, and some are filled with desolation. I feel pretty lucky (blessed?) that most of my memories fall in the first category. I had a relatively happy childhood, got a good education, have made some amazing friends, found a wonderful husband, have traveled and done some interesting things. Lots of consolation.
But right now, the scale tips not-so-subtly toward desolation.
We've been trying to get pregnant for a year and a half. That's desolation any way you slice it.
My parents are going through some serious troubles. Mr. M's parents are already divorced. Both situations are really tough.
Mr. M just got a serious setback on his PhD work.
I wouldn't describe my job as my dream job. I'm so grateful for it and love my coworkers, but it's not what I want to do for the rest of my life.
And smaller things: our apartment is somewhat cramped, it's blah wintertime, my paycheck is lower than it was last year, our hall light is broken and dangling down from the ceiling in the most ghetto way possible, whine whine whine.
In general, the word I would use to describe how I've felt lately is stagnant. I feel like nothing is happening in my life - nothing I want to happen, anyway. Compared to other times of my life, when I felt happier and like things were more interesting and more vibrant, this has been a tough chunk of time.
Then today, I had lunch with a wonderful friend who was visiting from out of town. I haven't seen her since before she got married in July. Turns out she is expecting a honeymoon baby, due in May. She and her husband are living in her hometown and just bought what sounds like a dream "starter" house. As I was listening to her, I felt the now-familiar green creep of jealousy working its way up from my heart. I'm so happy for her, truly, but between us, I had to walk back to work awfully slowly to quell the sobs that came right on cue.
But it did occur to me that my friend hasn't always had it this good. She's gone through her own times of desolation, one of which was about the same time that I was engaged and getting married - a time of consolation if ever there was one! I wonder how she felt then. Maybe like I feel now.
I told her before we parted that I was struggling, and that I could really use something right happening in my life - some good news for once! I hesitated to bring up my gloominess in the face of all her joy - but I guess that's what good friends are for, right? She was very sympathetic, and agreed that sometimes things are just tough. But then, she said, you turn a corner, often precipitated by a surprise, and whammo, consolation is back. And I know she knows that shift from experience.
I really hope to find that corner soon. I really hope this season of desolation ends. Spring comes every year, right?