Another cycle, come and gone.
Every failed cycle, there's something specific that I miss, that could have been but wasn't. That will never be. This specific child - never going to exist.
This time, it's pretty obvious: no "news" for my parents at Thanksgiving. A bit harder even: another birthday will come and go without a baby inside or outside the womb. Another calendar year...that's tough. Also (and I usually don't do this!) I looked up when a potential baby would be due, I guess in a fleeting moment of hopefulness, and the baby-that-isn't would've been due around the feast of St. Joachim and Anne. That would have been cool. Oh well.
I grieve all those specifics.
This cycle was kind of funny too: I felt crampy 5 days before my period actually started. No bleeding of any kind, just a dull kind of "pinch" for 5 days. Of course the one little hopeful cherub left in my brain tried to convince me, "maybe it's implantation cramps??" but I ignored it - been there, done that.
Also, for extra pizzazz, getting my period now means that my next "fertile window" (I just can't help putting it in quotes...sorry) will be while we're visiting my family over Thanksgiving. Sleeping in a very uncomfortable guest bed, in the room next to my parents. I joked with Mr. M that I would ask my mom and dad to get us a hotel room: "How much do you really want a grandchild?" ha ha. Just kidding!
What else is there to say? I'm just proud of myself for still going to work after AF showed, for being outwardly cheerful while I was inwardly crying, for still going with Mr. M to give a talk at marriage prep, for still making dinner, getting out of bed in the morning, etc. Not letting grief get the best of me. (It's crazy how much we IF ladies have to endure, and most of it is so hidden...)
+EcceFiat+
I am so sorry. Holidays are hard. Hoping for you that next Thanksgiving will be different.
ReplyDeleteHey you could have a double peak or delayed ovulation due to the stress of traveling and have your fertile time after Thanksgiving. I am sorry that this wasn't "the cycle" for you. I have calculated estimated due dates plenty of times especially being a practitioner I know the formula, oh those moments of weakness! Praying for you!
ReplyDeleteIt so hard not to take every little unusual twinge of pain as a sign of pregnancy. I do it every dang cycle, and even though I tell myself, "You are not pregnant. This means nothing," I still end up feeling sad and low when AF shows up. I've been successful in stopping myself from figuring out when the baby would be due, though with the holidays here, I have found myself daydreaming about announcing a pregnancy right in time for Christmas. It's not looking like that'll happen though. I'll keep telling myself, "You're not pregnant, you're not pregnant," but my heart probably won't listen. Oh well!! I'm super proud of you for staying positive and getting through CD1. Hugs!!
ReplyDeleteKudos, when going through IF, I think accomplishing daily life, going to workr, giving a talk, etc is heroic in it's own way. I get those little cramps 5 days before IF too and although I try ti tell myself "your not pg" I still can't help hope its implantation. Ahhh. I have a December bday and it sounds like yours is coming up too. Its a double whammy to have a bday around the holidays when dealing with IF.
ReplyDeleteSo sorry... We are in the same boat... Another holiday come and gone..
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry to hear this too. I think calculating a due date became like a reflex for a while. Im sorry about the lack of holiday news to share too. We have done the "how quiet can we be?" Trick at the inlaws too...hey how bad do we want a baby ;) I probably shouldn't have typed that...haha
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