Last night Mr. M and I had dinner at the Olive Garden with another married couple. The wife is pregnant. Not just pregnant - honeymoon pregnant, more or less. They got married this past September and are due this summer. I actually wrote about their wedding and how hard it was to hear all the mention of children and prayers that the couple would be blessed with children - the same prayers we prayed at our wedding, seemingly to no avail.
I wrote in that post:
"And of course now with weddings, it’s hard not to think, “One more person who got married after us and could get pregnant / have a baby before us…” I tried so hard to keep focusing on the bride and groom, praying for them, and yes, praying for them to be blessed with children and be spared the heartache of infertility. How could I wish that on anyone? And yet I know I’ll feel hurt and sad if I hear “news” from the happy couple soon…"
So it looks like my prayers might have something to do with their easy entrance into parenthood, ha ha.
Anyway, the dinner was nice because they're our friends, and really hard because I was engaged in a constant interior battle against jealousy, against looking obsessively at the beginning of my friend's baby bump, against feeling sorry for myself, and so on. Kind of exhausting!
To their credit, they didn't talk about the pregnancy much at all - only one mention of "painting the baby's room" when we asked them what they've done to their house lately. (Oh, they also bought a house right before their wedding and the wife stopped working - in other words, they're living the life I want. Double ouch.)
The funny (ironic? tragic?) thing is, I went to this friend's bridal shower and at one point she was asked, "So how many kids do you and [the groom] want?" "Oh," she answered, "as many as God gives us." Turns out that was my answer too! (Although when my future husband asked me that on one of our first dates, I answered, "Enough to fill a church pew!" which is true too.) Her openness to life and acceptance of however many children God gives her is so far looking awfully different than mine, but we're doing the same thing. Just a thought.
Coming to my point, if there is one: I think I anticipated myself in my post about their wedding, above, and I think Mrs. Fitz said it so perfectly in a comment on this post about pregnancy announcements: the attitude I need to work toward is expecting that my married friends will be blessed with children and praying for that! Because when I show up to a party thinking "oh, I hope so and so isn't pregnant..." or when I sulk and whine about so and so getting pregnant right away (both those things come so naturally to me and are really hard not to do): what's the alternative? That no one I know ever gets pregnant again, i.e. that everyone is given this painful, some days unbearable cross of barrenness? When I think about it in that terms, it's so stark: I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemies. (Well, maybe the very worst...ha ha) And I did my duty at my friend's wedding! I prayed that she and her husband would have children - and they are, right away! (I seem to be much more successful when praying for other people to have children) Part of me is so, so jealous that she's spared knowing even one sad Christmas without a child at least in the womb (they got to put on their Christmas cards, "love husband, wife, and baby" - that card had to go right into my keepsake box and out of sight), that she'll never go through any invasive testing, monthly disappointments, yada yada yada - but sheez, if I'm worth anything as her friend, I should be happy and grateful that she's spared all that heartache!!!
So yeah, it was hard, and part of me wants to run a million miles away from my pregnant friends, especially those that got pregnant right away and make me feel even more horribly barren than I already am. I feel like I haven't even learned my alphabet and these women are writing novels already. And it's hard to navigate friendships post-pregnancy sometimes: I really don't feel like talking about probably the number one thing they want to talk about, and their very presence can be hard for me (isn't that awful?). But we're still friends, and I'm taking the long view and saying it's still worth it to stay friends and from experience, I think it does get easier once these friends have the baby and I can play something of an "auntie" role in their life. (Sometimes the little one thinks I'm actually their aunt - this little boy lists me as one of his daddy's sisters =))
Continued prayers for everyone who knows exactly what I'm talking about in this post!!
+eccefiat+
Yep--those friendships become so hard. My closest friends are several years ahead of me already--thinking about everything from pre-school for the oldest to their current pregnancy with their youngest. I just mentioned in my recent post, actually, about how surprised I was that my conversation with one of them was so much easier than usual... until I realized that it was because for the first time in years I had something to contribute to the parenting side of things...
ReplyDeleteYou are so right about needing to pray for people to get pregnant, not dread it. The (very, very few) times I've managed to do that, it is so much easier when the announcement comes!
That's great about your newfound connection with a mom friend =) Seriously I cannot wait for that to happen!!! Just the other day we stopped over at a friend's house and she and another friend (both moms) were swapping baby clothes, or something, and I wished so much to be part of that world. The worst is when I feel stupid (or even am made to feel stupid) because I don't know something about babies or ask a dumb question or whatever. Ugh.
DeleteI get it oh I get it. It is hard to navigate these friendships but if you really want to be friends with them you will find a way. It may not be the same but think of it as a growth in the friendship. There are some people that I just can't be friends with and after thinking about it, it's not just because the pregnancy/baby it's because we were never really that good of friends to begin with. The friendships that I have made or held onto with my friends who are mothers have been sources of such blessing even though sometimes it's hard to remember that my life is looking very different than theirs.
ReplyDeleteI agree - with real friends, friends you'd stay friends with no matter what happens, it works out in the end, even if it's tough for awhile. I've had a number of friendships go through that tough stage and end up fine, if not stronger.
DeleteOh, man. That is so tough. It's like it would be really great to have someone else understand for a second what it actually feels like to not get (seemingly) everything, without having them go through the pain of actually having to deal with everything. (Because people can have some empathy without any great understanding of nasty depths that these things can go.) But it sounds like they did a great job of not obsessing over that as the only topic of conversation, and you both showed up. That's a good way to keep a friendship going, even when it's difficult for a while.
ReplyDeleteExactly - you want your friends to "get it" without going through the painful experience that makes you "get it"!
DeleteAhhhhhhhhhhhh! feeling the same way right now. we'll be praying for you! also understand the part about buying a house, and quitting her job. :(
ReplyDeleteI like your reflection on how we should actually feel when we are thinking about pregnant friends. "Should we be wishing them infertility? No way! So celebrate that they aren't going through extensive testing, sadness, etc." It's absolutely true. So hard to do. But so right.
ReplyDeleteAnd also, I love that you point out that your journey and your friends' journey look so different, but in reality you've both prayed and hoped for exactly the same. It's hard to take that in, but totally worth noting.
Continued prayers for you, friend!
Ditto what Stephanie said! I love your honesty and perspective, Ecce Fiat.
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