even the dentist

I had my biannual dentist check-up and cleaning this week. I've never liked going to the dentist. (Does anyone?) Someone poking around in your mouth, the weird smells, that awful buzzing sound...yuck.

But I didn't realize that even the dentist would be one more reminder of our childlessness! Appointments every six months remind me that I've passed another landmark of "timeframe within which normally healthy people conceive." Bummer.

And once, a year and a half ago I think, my dentist visit happened to be right at the end of my cycle - just late enough to wonder "Am I....?" but still to early to test. So when they said I was due for x-rays, I said, "Well, I might be pregnant." (What else could I do? If I was - which I obviously wasn't - there's no way I want my baby fried by x-rays just so the dentist could see if I had any cavities!!)

They were nice about not doing the x-rays, but it got awkward. The dentist looked at my chart and said, "Well, congratulations!" eeeeek! I might be pregnant, I said. (Do I have to explain the basics of a woman's cycle??) I remember him even telling me that my teeth were probably extra-sensitive because of the pg hormones. I think it was because I don't floss enough....

So now that line is forever on my dentist's chart: such and such date, "might be pregnant." Thank God my hygenist is tactful and only asked about that the very next visit, and not since then. And I just hope and pray that my visit falls early in my cycle so I can get my x-rays with no fear and without making a fool of myself again!

I did think of one advantage that IF has brought vis a vis the dentist: compared to getting an HSG or sonohysterogram done, getting my teeth cleaned is a total walk in the park!! (find the silver lining... =))

+EcceFiat+

Little Happies {snow day}

I absolutely LOVE Stephanie's "little happies" list so I thought I would make my own =)

{one}

Actually, today featured a BIG happy - a snow day!

!!!!!!!!!!

It's hard to express how much I love snow days...a day off work, with no commute, no plans (since I would have been at work), beautiful snowy landscape outside, warm comfy clothes inside...I could go on. Snow days could be #1-100 of my little happies!

Today was especially magical because it barely started snowing last night, but when we woke up this morning everything was white.

our front door, with the sign still up from Mr. M's hobbit party

patio covered in snow - note the ruler

9 inches of snow! That's a lot for here in the "south" (DC/suburban MD)

Little playhouse in the yard - just thought it looked cute in the snow!

Did I mention how much I love snow days....?

Because I get to indulge my inner homemaker (stifled by having to work full time) and do things like:

{two}

Make slow-cooker chili. YUM! One of our favorite meals.

Recipe, in case you'd like to try it:

sorry it's sideways! and I never add the mushrooms FYI

{three}

On snow days I wear my slippers ALL day, except when I'm out playing in the snow, of course

Xmas gift from Mr. M, plus matching socks, haha

{four}

And on snow days, we have our usual Sunday tradition of a mid-afternoon espresso, served in espresso cups we bought on our honeymoon in Rome.

with its little spoon!

{five}

Last happy: homemade bread!

love all those holes!

To be fair, I made this bread yesterday. We ate a few slices right out of the oven...unbelievable. I've been wanting to make bread for a while - this recipe is easy (no knead). You bake it in a dutch oven - that's key for getting enough steam to make it moist with a crispy crust. Yum yum yum.

Thanks for inspiring me, Stephanie!

+EcceFiat+

thoughts on CD2

For once, AF's timing was not that awful (although of course I wish she wouldn't have come at all)...later in the day yesterday, just in time to get home, get a beer, play Dominion with Mr. M and watch the olympics opening ceremonies.

Then today, I woke up with a cold (ick) so I've spent the day on the couch with a heating pad, a good book, and the olympics. A convenient time for cramps and a cold! Wow, did anyone see the downhill trials? The skiers sail 90 yards over one of the jumps! The men's biatholon was neat too - skiing + shooting. So manly. I can't wait for figure skating tonight.

(Although I have to mute the P&G commercials about "team mom" or whatever...got choked up last night thinking I'd never have a child to teach how to ski or skate or be an Olympic champion....j/k about the last part, although that would be cool!)

Anyway, now I'm bored and stuffed up and feel grumpy about AF. This cycle's has seemed to hit me harder than previous cycles (more tears) but I wonder if it's just because I'm not at work and actually have time to "feel the feelings," so to speak.

I think part of it too is that we agreed that we'd try to (finally) do the SA in February if we didn't get pregnant first, and let's just say I'm definitely not looking forward to that.

And then there's the little sadnesses, different every month: no baby to celebrate on Valentines' day, and no news for my parents when we visit with them next weekend.

I'm just getting awfully weary of all this. One consoling thought I keep coming back to (when I'm in the mood to be hopeful) is "just think of how much more joy a child will bring if we're ever so blessed." Doesn't work every time - sometimes I'm too numb to even believing that it's still a possibility - but since I haven't completely relinquished hope yet, it helps to think that maybe this pain will recede one day and be more a bad dream than a living nightmare.

My other "happy thought" lately is the "be strong" line from Dumb & Dumber. Yeah, I love that movie! (Although to my credit I grew up with the edited-for-TV version and was shocked to see some of the "racier" scenes.)

So if you need a laugh...

(My "happy place" line is at about 1:00...)

+EcceFiat+

What's 18+12? (give or take a few months)

It's one of those days where the passage of time hit me hard across the face.

Just about a year ago, this happened:

Then today, I had lunch with a wonderful friend who was visiting from out of town. I haven't seen her since before she got married in July. Turns out she is expecting a honeymoon baby, due in May. She and her husband are living in her hometown and just bought what sounds like a dream "starter" house. As I was listening to her, I felt the now-familiar green creep of jealousy working its way up from my heart. I'm so happy for her, truly, but between us, I had to walk back to work awfully slowly to quell the sobs that came right on cue.
A year later, still no baby for me. Still no motherhood.

I remembered that event (probably will for a while, I think) because it happened right around Mr. M's birthday, which is the end of January. In fact, last year CD1 came on his birthday. (Thanks, AF.) This year thankfully that didn't happen.

And I threw him a pretty amazing Hobbit-themed party!! (if I say so myself...)

But still. A whole year. Anniversaries are hard! I can easily think of a dozen people who got pregnant or had a baby over the last twelve months, and I'm still not on that list. My friend's baby (above) is probably not even looking like a newborn any more. Life moves on, women get pregnant, families grow. At least other women, other people's families. For me, life just seems to move on.

I think it gets easier, a little any way. No, harder. No, both. But I'm grateful for the "easier" of being less shocked by pg announcements, of being more "okay" with my childlessness (in the sense of not feeling embarrassed or shamed somehow or "less-than.") But the hard - the missing my children who don't exist - is pretty darn hard. And it's pretty awfully lonely as so many others move into the parenting stage of life.

Sorry this is so depressing. Sometimes it just hits you.

+EcceFiat+