Saturday, February 8, 2014

thoughts on CD2

For once, AF's timing was not that awful (although of course I wish she wouldn't have come at all)...later in the day yesterday, just in time to get home, get a beer, play Dominion with Mr. M and watch the olympics opening ceremonies.

Then today, I woke up with a cold (ick) so I've spent the day on the couch with a heating pad, a good book, and the olympics. A convenient time for cramps and a cold! Wow, did anyone see the downhill trials? The skiers sail 90 yards over one of the jumps! The men's biatholon was neat too - skiing + shooting. So manly. I can't wait for figure skating tonight.

(Although I have to mute the P&G commercials about "team mom" or choked up last night thinking I'd never have a child to teach how to ski or skate or be an Olympic champion....j/k about the last part, although that would be cool!)

Anyway, now I'm bored and stuffed up and feel grumpy about AF. This cycle's has seemed to hit me harder than previous cycles (more tears) but I wonder if it's just because I'm not at work and actually have time to "feel the feelings," so to speak.

I think part of it too is that we agreed that we'd try to (finally) do the SA in February if we didn't get pregnant first, and let's just say I'm definitely not looking forward to that.

And then there's the little sadnesses, different every month: no baby to celebrate on Valentines' day, and no news for my parents when we visit with them next weekend.

I'm just getting awfully weary of all this. One consoling thought I keep coming back to (when I'm in the mood to be hopeful) is "just think of how much more joy a child will bring if we're ever so blessed." Doesn't work every time - sometimes I'm too numb to even believing that it's still a possibility - but since I haven't completely relinquished hope yet, it helps to think that maybe this pain will recede one day and be more a bad dream than a living nightmare.

My other "happy thought" lately is the "be strong" line from Dumb & Dumber. Yeah, I love that movie! (Although to my credit I grew up with the edited-for-TV version and was shocked to see some of the "racier" scenes.)

So if you need a laugh...

(My "happy place" line is at about 1:00...)



  1. I'm happy AF decided to show up at a less awful time than usual, though I. So sorry she showed up at all. You're right that a child will bring even more joy if you're ever so blessed as you say. Prayers!

  2. Stupid AF :(. I know exactly what you mean about having time to "feel the feelings". I always grumble when AF arrives at work, but I do tend to have a tougher time when she arrives on a weekend or evening.

    I will say, for me, CD 2 or 3 is often worse than CD 1 emotionally. Maybe I'm just thick and it takes a while for it to sink in, but it's almost always been that way since we've been TTC.

    Praying you feel better soon!

  3. Buh! Hugs, lady!! Glad you had fun distractions last night and today. Also, what's up with these colds? I never get sick and I woke up feeling icky today too! Sore all over. Boo!! Anyway, praying for you. The SA likely won't be a barrel of fun, but it'll provide some answers, even if the answer is, "He's all clear." One less thing to worry about. Prayers!

  4. Being able to get a beer is always a good thing, but I agree with everyone else that weekends can amplify any feelings when there are not enough distractions. I think that's part of what hit me so hard last weekend. I so hear you on the weariness! There is no other word that fits so well about the ongoing seeming neverendingness of dealing with waiting. Praying for you!

  5. Totally understand the weariness! ...and all those milestones without news. Sometimes I wish I wasn't working full-time, but I truly believe it's a blessing in the sense that being busy is distracting from the sadness of AF's arrival. Hope you feel better soon!

  6. I don't think about milestones anymore...too sad. I know when I'm not busy...I do think about things a little too much. I love to read so for me...that's a good distraction.

  7. Sorry about AF. :( Weariness is a good word for describing what it's like deal with so many months of BFNs.

    On a happier note, I'm glad you had a nice night with your husband. My DH and I like to play Dominion together too. I love board games. :)