Sunday, September 21, 2014

feeling rather blue and barren

Seeing how my posts lately have been few and far between, I guess this will be a "grab-bag" of thoughts too.

It's been one of those days/weeks. The kind that my skin feels paper-thin and the pain of our continuing childlessness feels like it's right on the surface and pretty much anything motherhood-related can cause a bruise. An innocent comment from a parent about playing with his kids...a tender look from a mother to baby during mass...seeing ads for baby stuff. So common, so normal, and so painful!

Last weekend some of our favorite people in the world visited: our goddaughter, her parents and big brother. Because we also attended the Empowered to Connect conference (more about that in a later post, hopefully) we only had one night and day with them. So we made the most of it. Sunday morning before church we made pancakes and my little buddy helped me stir the batter. After church we took the metro (big thrill!) to the zoo (even bigger thrill!) and walked around all afternoon looking at the lions and prairie dogs and elephants, etc.

Our goddaughter let me hold her, even though she's very stranger-shy right now (awww). And her big brother was just so much fun. We had all kinds of cute conversations about everything and it was just such a joy to have kids to go to the zoo with!

So now I'm going through major kid withdrawal. I made pancakes again this morning in a kitchen that felt awfully lonely and quiet with no little hands to help me stir. The weekend also reminded us that we'll always be on the outside in some way with kids that aren't ours. I love our friends' kids, so much. But they have to go home with their parents at night, and they run to their mom or dad when they fall and scrape their knee. I know we have a special place in their lives, but I'm ready to have a special role called "mama"!!

Jesus, help me love and not count the cost. To love the little ones in our lives even though they're not "ours."


This week was also two back-to-back pregnancy announcements (one IRL and one in blog-land, hi Stephanie =)). I am thrilled by both of them and am keeping the brand new babies in my prayers every day. But yes, some tears were shed. Kind of my modus operandi for pg announcements. I know that it's my pain that I cry over (and I'm so grateful to Rebecca for that insight). It hurts to be perpetually on the receiving end of pg announcements. It hurts to feel left behind as our friends' families grow. It hurts to feel barren. It hurts to have a home without little pitter-patter feet or baby clothes.

And pg announcements - no matter who it's from - mean growing pains in a friendship. It's an adjustment to this new very important person in your friend's life. When it's the first pregnancy, it means that friend has now crossed into a new world that you've yet to enter, and you wish you weren't on the outside looking in. It's really tough!

Jesus, bless all the new little babies in the world and keep them safe. And please let me find my joy in you. Comfort my heart.


This is just such a long haul! Weary and grueling are words that often come to mind... Grief is really exhausting, and so is keeping it together when your heart is aching.

Tonight we have our monthly married couples' gathering. Funny, you know how a common IF statistic is that one in six couples struggles with infertility? Well, there are six couples in our group and you guessed it, we're the "one." Over the past two years that we've been part of this group, every other woman has had at least one baby. We're the odd ones out, and everyone is so great and supportive, but man it hurts! I am just so tired of not being a mother; what else is there to say?

All right - enough negativity for one post, ha =) Of course many things are going wonderfully in our lives, but the past few days have been quite blue. This too shall pass.

Jesus, I trust in you. Jesus, I need you.



  1. We had similar weeks. I'm all vinegar and blues over here as well. So many pregnancy announcements...and so much joy for others and tears for myself. So on the outside of everyone else's life. So.... still infertile. Hugs from someone who trusts in God and needs Him too. I don't understand this longing anymore. Only God can redeem these broken hearts of ours.

  2. Sending you hugs. These weeks are so hard to get through. I hope you can draw on God's strength as he walks with you in your pain.

  3. It does hurt, and it does get old. So lovely that you got to spend time with your goddaughter and her brother, but I know what you mean, it is a tough reminder of our own otherwise empty homes. I feel the same way with my neices and nephews. These announcements lately have been so bittersweet, so so so so happy for those who have conceived, and sending prayers, but still reminded that I am on the "other side". Like you said so well: "And pg announcements - no matter who it's from - mean growing pains in a friendship. It's an adjustment to this new very important person in your friend's life."

  4. Praying for you and sending (((hugs))). There are those days/week where sometimes you are just so aware of the loneliness of infertility :( you are right this too shall pass.

  5. Ugh...I dislike being "the one" as well...stinks. I spend every day with other mother's little ones...I do like coming home to my quiet home...but I sometimes feel it's too quiet.

  6. Continuing to pray for you! IF is really just so many cycles isn't it? I remember often feeling sad if we spent time with kids and going home that the quietness seemed that much more so. Hugs!

  7. "Grief is exhausting." and "I'm just so tired of not being a mother."

    Yes. and yes.

    As I sat at a work meeting today and the talk was all about babies and pregnancy (one of the women is pregnant), I was so tired of pretending and feeling left out.

    Saying extra prayers for you this evening my friend.

    1. Ugh. That kind of conversation at work is so tough!! I'm sorry :(

  8. Praying for you. It really does get so old to deal with this stuff over and over each day and not have it change.

  9. I'm so sorry. So many hugs and prayers headed your way. <3