Monday, January 14, 2013

"Where's Da Proof?"

My grandfather-in-law is what you would call a“character,” in a good way! He's full-blooded Italian, born in southern Italy. He grew up in the countryside, fought in the Italian resistance during World War II, and was rewarded with the approvals he needed to immigrate to America with his wife and two children (one of whom would become Mr. M's dad). Grandpa M is now in his upper 80's, a little wizened old man. He lost his wife last year, just days before their 65th wedding anniversary. He makes his own wine by the gallon, including the wine for our wedding! He cures meat in the basement, and when he was more active he grew the most linear, weed-free garden I've ever seen. He's a real treasure to our family and I feel blessed to know him.

But sometimes he can be a little...direct. Like when we're all sitting around the lunch table and he looks at me and Mr. M and says very loudly. “Hey! You married now – but where's da proof?” and then gesticulates with one of those Italian gestures that means everything and nothing. “I no see proof,” he concludes, chuckling to himself at his little joke.

Cue a blush and a change of subject. Or a hasty retreat to the restroom if it's just one of those days.

I know Grandpa doesn't mean anything by his comments. He's old, and he says a lot of things that we take with a grain of salt. (Before we got engaged, he would ask us, loudly, “When you marry? You nice guy, she nice girl. What you wait for?” etc.) But his words did get me thinking in an examination-of-conscience sort of way. The idea of having to “prove” you're married by having a baby...hmmm. Well, I have never gone that far, but early on in our marriage, I really wanted to show everyone what good, open-to-life Catholics we were by having a baby right away. I don't fault myself completely for this line of thought. Obviously there's nothing inherently wrong about having a baby right away – and I sincerely wanted to witness to particular people in my life that a baby doesn't ruin your life and that you don't have to be completely “arrived” before adding to your family.

But I think there was a fair amount of pride in my desire, too. I had long got the sense that having a large family was the thing good Catholics do, and I really wanted everyone to think of me as a good Catholic. I wanted to “prove” my faithfulness and obedience by having a baby right away. Then no one could doubt that Mr. M and I were completely on board with the Church's teachings, and eager to welcome new Catholics into the world.

Wow, have I learned a lot! The first six months or so of trying to get pregnant were hard in large part because I felt like I wasn't living up to some unstated expectation about “good Catholics” not waiting to have kids. (Not that this was explicit to me at the time – it's a lot clearer in retrospect.) I especially dreaded people thinking that we were relying on a worldly mentality of postponing children for less-than-grave reasons, or, worse, that we were using contraception. Because, of course, we looked the same outwardly as a contracepting couple, or a couple who puts off having kids until they buy their dream house, vacation in Hawaii, become CEO, or whatever.

And I think that's the heart of the distortion right there: I cared a lot about what other people thought about us, particularly what they thought about how fast (or slow) we had children. But the reality is (and it's still something I'm learning), that really doesn't matter. It just doesn't. God knows that we've been open to life our entire marriage. He knows we've held nothing back. And that's all that matters. But it's so hidden! The world doesn't necessarily know that we've been open to life. The world doesn't see our interior longing and suffering. But God does. He is closer to me than I am to myself, as the spiritual maxim goes. And so I have nothing to“prove” to the world, or even to Grandpa =)

Realizing this has brought me a lot of interior peace. Of course I would still love to be a witness to the world through welcoming many children as gifts and not rejecting them as burdens. But for now, that's not how I'm called to witness. I'm called to witness to the gift of life in a much more hidden way. Through interior acceptance of God's primacy in procreation, and acceptance that children are given, not earned or obtained or bargained for. Through loving my husband for his own sake and not as my ticket to motherhood. Through offering up each and every tear and heartache for other suffering people, and particularly for pregnant women and those thinking of abortion. (A friend of mine says that the devil is particularly outraged when we offer up our suffering for the person or situation that we're suffering from – a neat idea, I think!) The point is that all of this soul-activity is hidden from the world - but it's bright and blazing to the eyes of God! He sees, and He cares. And my peace comes from truly believing that.

 

 

 

9 comments:

  1. Yes, we live in a hidden way to the world. We were the crazy couple that told everyone we wanted 10 kids and they all said we were nuts. It just goes to show that God is in control of how many not us. This whole IF journey has shown me humility and reliance on God. Your grandpa sounds awesome and very similar to my great grandmother :)

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    1. Ha! Maybe my grandpa and your great grandma knew each other in the old country =)

      (And AMEN!)

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  2. I saw your comment on my Marriage Post over at Catholic Cookie Jar and had to come see you over here! I feel bad trying to promote being pro-life and open to life to people that ARE but haven't been able to have children yet. I hope I didn't make you feel excluded, and I think infertility must be such a heavy cross to carry. I know so many moms who prayed so hard to have a baby and eventually succeeded, so I look forward to hearing the good news from you one day :)

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    1. Thank you, Colleen! That was so thoughtful. And I'm sorry if my comment on your (lovely) post was overly angsty...yes, it can be hard to be open to life in a "hidden" way (like I described in this post) and yes, sometimes being Catholic and subfertile makes me feel like an outsider in the big-family world...I guess it helps me to focus on the "be open to life" part, not the "have a lot of kids" part, since the latter is out of our control but the former is not. Thank you so much for your kind note. God bless you and your family =)

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  3. This post is so so beautiful. And it has inspired a post I will be publishing in a little while. I am so glad you commented on my blog; I really appreciate you reading. I will be praying for you and your husband. What a beautiful reflection you have shown of God's love on this blog.

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    1. Thank you! I am excited to read your post when it's done =)

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  4. I find myself having these fears now, partly because I did do what the world said I should and now I'm not and I want to scream from the rooftops, it's not how it looks, I've learned my lesson. But, like you said, I have slowly realized it's about me, The Man, and God and no one else. If IF has taught me nothing, it is to not judge others - there are so many invisible crosses out there, we just never know what someone else is dealing with.

    Beautiful reflection.

    Oh, we should hook up your grandpa and my Nan...they'd get along famously :). She is 83, Italian, and yes, before she knew about our IF said many similar things.

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    1. Wow that's a powerful thing to learn, Rebecca, about other's invisible crosses. It's so true!

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  5. Beautiful post. I struggle with this a lot. We conceived a honeymoon baby that would have been born before my husband's med school graduation. What a witness that would have been! And then we were going to have lots of kids, and so on. But our baby died before most people knew he existed, and now I just feel like everyone thinks we're preventing pregnancy until we get a few more loans paid off or something. I know that's not true, of course, and most people probably don't think about it. But it hurts to see all of our Catholic friends have babies 9-10 months after the wedding, and now our friends whose husbands are in the same residency program as my husband (ie, the same exact place as us financially) are all having babies too.

    I guess I should just be thankful that my loud Italian grandmother-in-law knows about the miscarriage and therefore doesn't ask us about "da proof" haha.

    -Katie
    (found your blog through Rebecca :) )

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