Tomorrow is my sonohysterogram procedure. Ugh. I know there are worse things in the world, but still. Ugh. If it's anything like a hysterosalpingogram (did I spell that right?) it will be bearable. I hope that it actually yields some results and I hope I'm feeling well enough to go back to work afterwards. I'm taking off on Friday to go on a retreat with Mr. M (so excited about that!!) so I'm scrambling to get my work done.
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I read an article online this week that depressed me. I know, I know I should have steered clear - it was not an article written with infertile gals in mind, that's for sure. If I could petition for one thing in the internet world it would be that no one ever, ever again writes an article on the theme of "top 10 reasons to have children early in your marriage" or something to that effect. I just don't get it - having children is not something you can just decide to do, and whammo, a baby. Right? But maybe that's how it happens in the universe outside of infertile land.
I mean, articles that begin with "top 10 reasons to..." usually are about something the author is convincing you to do: "Top 10 reasons to paint your bedroom yellow"..."Top 10 reasons to vacation in Jamaica"..."Top 10 reasons to get a degree in criminology" or whatever. "Top 10 reasons to have a baby"....? Not the same.
I get it. They're trying to convince people who are anti-baby that babies are wonderful and gifts of God. But it invariably makes children seem like something you do rather than something you receive. And it invariably touches all my sore spots and reminds me at how tragically sad it is that me and so many others are still waiting for their families to grow beyond two.
If I wrote an article called "Top 10 reasons to have a baby right away," it would list things like:
"You won't have to decline invitations to baby showers and baptisms because you know you'd be crying in the bathroom half the time anyway."
and
"You won't have to endure invasive, painful procedures to try and trouble-shoot why you and your husband haven't gotten pregnant after two years"
and
"You'll be able to give happy news to your family at Christmas and not dread the questions and hints about grandchildren."
Etc.
(Bitter much? Sometimes it just sneaks out...)
I don't know. I'm probably being over sensitive. I tried to examine my feelings - why did that article hurt so much? - and came up with two reasons.
1. I'm jealous of the attention that pregnant women and mothers get, especially within the Church, and want someone to notice us and our marriage and affirm that we're contributing something valuable to the world.
2. I'm jealous of people who seem to sail through their reproductive years having children when they want to have them, with seemingly not a thought to the fact that not everyone finds childbearing easy, and that not everyone lives in the happy clappy world of positive pregnancy tests and cutesy pregnancy announcements and choosing baby names and talking baby shop and baby baby baby baby.
(Whew! There's a good bit of bitterness I need to pray through, apparently...)
I just want us all to be in it together. I want to feel like I have something to offer the world, even though I don't have kids. I don't want to feel jealous. I want to be happy for others, but I also want some acknowledgement that I'm not crazy, that having kids is not something you "do" but something you "receive," that moms and non-moms can encourage each other in holiness (just like wives and single women can too).
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Conclusion: I need to pray a prayer like the Litany of Humility more often. "From the desire of being praised, deliver me, Jesus...From the fear of being forgotten, deliver me, Jesus...That others may be praised and I unnoticed...That others may know the joy of motherhood..." (I made that last line up.) What a challenging prayer to pray! That I may be small, and humble, and unnoticed, and forgotten, while others are praised and esteemed...because God sees. He knows. He cares.
Jesus, I trust in you.
+EcceFiat+
I think for much of the rest of the world, it really is a decision of when to get pregnant. It's such a foreign concept, isn't it? ;)
ReplyDeleteI hope your procedure goes well tomorrow!
Yes, such a foreign concept. And thanks =) it stunk, but it's over.
DeleteI need to say that prayer too. I'm always looking to be praised and not forgotten. For different reasons, I'm a stay-at-home mom and well, my work basically goes unnoticed or people just say "oh, you don't work" but that's okay I've gotten used to it, even though I totally wish someone would notice. I know it's not the same thing, but like you said, mom and non-moms can encourage each other. And hey, you have a lot to offer, even if people don't acknowledge it, believe me, I do. I only know you from the blog but your posts have made a difference and I'm pretty sure in real life you're making a difference too. Also, you're not crazy. I also hate it when people talk like getting pregnant is as easy as going to the store to get a new pair of jeans "I'm going to get pregnant when I'm 29, and it's going to be a girl...and blah, blah". Anyway, hugs :)
ReplyDeleteSuch a kind comment - thank you =) I encourage you in your motherhood! I'm sure that is hard when people say silly things or don't notice all the work you're doing for your family. It's such valuable work!
DeleteOh dear I have been there and back again. Praying for you and especially your procedure! I hope you are not in IF land for much longer but if you are can I just say that it does get a little better/easier. (((Hugs)))
ReplyDeleteThank you, Kat =) I hope we both leave this desert land soon!
DeleteIsn't that such a crazy world, where people and can just decide and POOF, pregnant? I know this is the better draw though, though it hurts to be different and it sucks, it is far better to KNOW that children are a gift we receive, not a badge that shows how "Catholic" we are. Even typing that makes me nauseous a little, that children could be so used. I think my pride would run rampant if I were still in that world, where I probably started out before I was married. I love that litany of humility. I need it too. And I just had a friend announce her third pregnancy at 7 weeks. Yes, I was in awe that she gets pregnant so easily, but man, I was more in awe of this world that people aren't even aware of all that can happen and maybe 7 week super public facebook pregnancy announcements shouldn't be made? I think how different that article would have been if it were just titled: Top 10 reasons to be open to life right away. Or maybe it would have been a different article all together? I think I'm just not going to google it and take your word :)
ReplyDeleteMy thoughts exactly! About the alternative title: after all, we're called to be OPEN TO LIFE, not to have children (the first usually leads to the second, but not always). I would love to read an article that talks about openness to life and acknowledges that that doesn't mean you're going to have a huge family. But that's not up to us - we can just live what Christ calls us to, be open to our husbands and the world and trust God to make that fruitful in His own way.
DeleteI agree with your other point too, how IF shapes your perception of children and really teaches you (in the school of hard knocks) how much a gift they are.
Don't find the article. It will probably just make you angry.
It's just like those articles that say "10 reasons to marry young"... Um, yeah. I wanted to get married right after college but I didn't meet my hubby til I was 29 and he was 35! I avoid them too. Even married, it still annoys me. Not everyone meets their future spouse when they're in 8th grade, you know. ;)
ReplyDeleteHugs for you... love that litany too!
Agreed! That would annoy me too. Marriage is a gift too, and doesn't always come in our preferred timing (as my single friends who want to be married know so painfully well...)
DeleteI hope everything went OK this morning and that you get your results sooner rather than later.
ReplyDeleteThe bitterness can be so hard to overcome, but such a good (read: hard) prayer the Litany of Humility is! I'll be praying for you!
Praying
ReplyDeleteOh, man. I hear you. My personal Waterloo was the "top 10 reasons to get married while you're young." Yep. As you said, it's not as though I made a decision. This just is what is for me. That litany is awesome, and I should pray it more, too, but it is the hardest prayer to pray!
ReplyDeleteWhat a good idea to pray the Litany of Humility. I can relate to all your feelings. Sometimes with all the emphasis on being open to life in our Church it seems like the inherent value and sacramental beauty of marriages without children is not recognized as it should be.
ReplyDelete