Tomorrow is my sonohysterogram procedure. Ugh. I know there are worse things in the world, but still. Ugh. If it's anything like a hysterosalpingogram (did I spell that right?) it will be bearable. I hope that it actually yields some results and I hope I'm feeling well enough to go back to work afterwards. I'm taking off on Friday to go on a retreat with Mr. M (so excited about that!!) so I'm scrambling to get my work done.
I read an article online this week that depressed me. I know, I know I should have steered clear - it was not an article written with infertile gals in mind, that's for sure. If I could petition for one thing in the internet world it would be that no one ever, ever again writes an article on the theme of "top 10 reasons to have children early in your marriage" or something to that effect. I just don't get it - having children is not something you can just decide to do, and whammo, a baby. Right? But maybe that's how it happens in the universe outside of infertile land.
I mean, articles that begin with "top 10 reasons to..." usually are about something the author is convincing you to do: "Top 10 reasons to paint your bedroom yellow"..."Top 10 reasons to vacation in Jamaica"..."Top 10 reasons to get a degree in criminology" or whatever. "Top 10 reasons to have a baby"....? Not the same.
I get it. They're trying to convince people who are anti-baby that babies are wonderful and gifts of God. But it invariably makes children seem like something you do rather than something you receive. And it invariably touches all my sore spots and reminds me at how tragically sad it is that me and so many others are still waiting for their families to grow beyond two.
If I wrote an article called "Top 10 reasons to have a baby right away," it would list things like:
"You won't have to decline invitations to baby showers and baptisms because you know you'd be crying in the bathroom half the time anyway."
"You won't have to endure invasive, painful procedures to try and trouble-shoot why you and your husband haven't gotten pregnant after two years"
"You'll be able to give happy news to your family at Christmas and not dread the questions and hints about grandchildren."
(Bitter much? Sometimes it just sneaks out...)
I don't know. I'm probably being over sensitive. I tried to examine my feelings - why did that article hurt so much? - and came up with two reasons.
1. I'm jealous of the attention that pregnant women and mothers get, especially within the Church, and want someone to notice us and our marriage and affirm that we're contributing something valuable to the world.
2. I'm jealous of people who seem to sail through their reproductive years having children when they want to have them, with seemingly not a thought to the fact that not everyone finds childbearing easy, and that not everyone lives in the happy clappy world of positive pregnancy tests and cutesy pregnancy announcements and choosing baby names and talking baby shop and baby baby baby baby.
(Whew! There's a good bit of bitterness I need to pray through, apparently...)
I just want us all to be in it together. I want to feel like I have something to offer the world, even though I don't have kids. I don't want to feel jealous. I want to be happy for others, but I also want some acknowledgement that I'm not crazy, that having kids is not something you "do" but something you "receive," that moms and non-moms can encourage each other in holiness (just like wives and single women can too).
Conclusion: I need to pray a prayer like the Litany of Humility more often. "From the desire of being praised, deliver me, Jesus...From the fear of being forgotten, deliver me, Jesus...That others may be praised and I unnoticed...That others may know the joy of motherhood..." (I made that last line up.) What a challenging prayer to pray! That I may be small, and humble, and unnoticed, and forgotten, while others are praised and esteemed...because God sees. He knows. He cares.
Jesus, I trust in you.