That'll be $100, please

Yup, I was right. No more than 10 minutes after arriving at our grad school's Christmas party, I'm talking with an acquaintance (she graduated a few years after me and got married this past summer), and she says, "Well, I have some great news..." and she's due in July.

I'm glad I was prepared, ha!

I'm glad there was alcohol at the party. Just the thing to soothe a weary heart and ease the pain of cramps...

I'd like to say to everyone reading this who has struggled with IF or is currently struggling...you all are amazing women. I know from the inside what it feels like to have that constant throb in your heart of longing for a child, and the daily, hourly challenge of not being jealous and resentful of all the people around you who are given this blessing and don't even seem to realize the immensity of it...it is serious spiritual bootcamp to fight against jealousy, sadness, anger, sorrow, desolation, and more on a continual basis. I salute each and every person who is bearing this cross! Many days I count it as a major success that I have not lost my faith, our marriage is still good, I got out of bed and interacted kindly with people, even people who spring pregnancy announcements on me. Small goals, but so huge when your heart is aching.

Overall the party was fine, really. There were plenty of single ladies who were there who I'm sure are missing not only a child but a husband. There were many kind, pleasant people to talk with. But it's still hard - my heart just can't seem to get off it's one-note lament, "I wish I had a child, I wish I had a child." Could you please be quiet for a moment??

I'm proud of myself for going, because there are many people who matter to me that it was good to see and catch up with. I'm proud of myself for smiling and for offering up all the little "jabs" - listening to a mom-to-mom conversation next to me that I couldn't participate in...offering to hold a baby so his mom could fill her plate, only to have him cry: "Oh, he's going through a mommy-only stage" the mom explains...having several conversations interrupted so the mom or dad could go retrieve their wandering toddler...there are just so many reminders of my childlessness, that no one else would ever see or even know. But God knows.

+Ecce Fiat+ 

Happenings and Thoughts

Just some things I've been up to, and some stuff swirling around my head...

Thanksgiving
My birthday was the day before Thanksgiving, so we stayed in our cozy little home and Mr. M made me a delicious meal. =) Thanksgiving morning, we drove to one of my cousin's houses, where we were going to have both lunch and dinner with my parents, aunt and uncle, and several of my cousins, their spouses, and children. I'm pretty close to my cousin who was hosting the meals. She and I are only a few months apart in age and have always "clicked." She actually got married on my birthday 3 years ago, got pregnant right away, had a son, and now is pregnant with baby #2. I knew that going into Thanksgiving because my mom told me that my cousin had been quite sick with this pregnancy.

I didn't know two other cousins were pregnant...and actually no one ever told me. I just guessed from their tell-tale bump (although you can never quite bank on that) and the conversation around the house. Both of these cousins just had babies...at least that's what it seems. Their youngest ex-utero children are still crawling and in diapers (1st for one cousin, 6th for the other). All told, there were easily a dozen children there, plus the three in utero. Yeah. Just the crowd I love to be around.

I'm pretty good at keeping it together and staying cheerful when I need to, so I doubt anyone sensed anything out of the ordinary. And of course I did enjoy being with my parents, the cousin I'm close with, eating delicious food, etc. But man, those situations are hard on the heart! I'm glad Mr. M and I had about an hour drive back to my parents' house (where we were spending the rest of the break) because I needed that time to debrief, vent, just let my heart feel for a while.

(How did so many of my cousins end up so fertile, anyway? Where is my fertile gene?)

Advent
Of course any IF or single gals reading this know that Advent can be tough...any holiday can be tough when you want a husband or child(ren) to share it with. I am doing my best to get into Advent nonetheless! I have to think going through the motions counts for something - getting out the Advent wreath, setting up the Advent fig tree (we bring our fig tree inside for the winter), singing Advent songs at evening prayer time, etc. The nice thing is, sometimes I forget I'm just going through the motions and actually start to enjoy Advent and forget my troubles for a while. A little Advent treat, maybe =)

My Advent words this year (what keeps coming to me in prayer) are WAIT and HOPE. Surprise, surprise, right? =)

WAIT: I feel like someone (God? Is that You?) has pushed a big "pause" button on our TTC endeavors.  We prayed a novena to Our Lady Undoer of Knots (put in bold because I LOVE this devotion!!!) to untangle and untie and remove some of these roadblocks that keep getting in our way! (Difficulty scheduling SA...adoption plans are going nowhere until we find out if our basement apartment would even be approved...first need to find out if we'd get kicked out for not being fire safe...timing is all off for the ovulation ultrasound series, etc.)

I keep coming back to: Wait. Just Be. Just relax, says God. (Not You too!!! Don't You know that's the worst advice to give to an infertile lady??) But really, I think it's such an important lesson for me to learn: sometimes, you just wait. Sometimes, you stop pushing and running and trying so awfully hard, and just sit and wait. In the silence before the dawn. In the silence of Bethlehem. The silence of creation, waiting for the Christ Child.

HOPE: Of course this cycle I irrationally hoped that I would conceive. (Had cramping and spotting today and expect AF any hour now.) Forget the fact that my fertile window (approximately anyway) was while we were at my parents' house, in a small uncomfortable bed in a room right next to theirs...not a lot of "I"s that weekend! I still hoped though. Confound it all, I still hope...maybe the cramps and spotting will stop...Our Lady of Guadalupe, please?

Hope is pretty irrational after all, I guess. I mean, if everything was rational - perfect cause and effect, this then that - there would be no room for hope. If I knew I would get pregnant after being intimate with my husband (as some people seem to "know"?) there would be no room for hope. It feels pretty irrational to me to hope that we'll conceive after 30+ cycles of trying. But I know people who have conceived after twice that many cycles, etc. Hope just never quits...and to be honest, I couldn't bear it if it did. As annoyingly chipper as it is sometimes.

Ugh
My confession is: I'm very jealous of my pregnant friends. And my friends with their adorable little infants. And how can I ever tell them that?? I have a friend who is due any day now, who got married a year after us. She shared with me some reproductive anomalies that were discovered right after their wedding, and we bonded over our fears of not conceiving. Annnnnd, she got pregnant a few months later. I'm having a hard time accepting that. And I feel terrible about it.

I'm also dreading (maybe that's too strong - "not anticipating") a Christmas party this weekend. It's a party for the grad school my husband and I attended, both current students, alumni, and professors. There are so many wonderful people that will be there, but oh so many babies. And I'd bet you $10 - no, $100 - that I get at least one pregnancy announcement. Or "did so and so have their baby?" conversation. I want to go to that party with a baby!! It's an annual thing, and the weight of a whole year really sits on me when annual things come around. Another whole year, nothing. No "news." No cutesy baby to show off.

One more downer of a thought (this is really cathartic...sorry it's so blah): these moments just kind of stick with you, and I have a hard time letting them go. This happened when we were visiting our goddaughter's family back in October. I was shopping with the mom, her 2.5 year old son, and my goddaughter (still in utero - very visibly). We walk into a store, and the lady clerk looks at my pregnant friend and says "Oh, you look beautiful!" and then she looks at me, right there behind her...and says nothing. Well gee thanks. I get it - I don't have the pregnant glow - or maybe it's just because I don't have extra people to buy stuff for...anyway, I thought of that moment again tonight and it brought tears to my eyes, not the happy kind. Why don't people realize when they're rude? Do I need to wear a sign that says, "Really, I'd like to be pregnant, so please don't make a big deal about how not-pregnant I am"? I need to give these hurts to God - it just is so hard to feel "invisible" sometimes.

And to end on a happy note...I had a lovely night out with a good friend of mine, a mom with two little boys. I just needed someone to talk to, and I emailed her and she was free that night, so we got drinks in a wine cellar and she just let me talk and talk and talk and was so sympathetic (even though she's never experienced this long a stretch of IF) and it was just glorious and I was wondering, why don't I do this more often? Reach out to friends? Tell them I need help? I think I just might...I hope all you in bloggy land will agree that blog friends are amazing but there's something about having a friend with you in person! That's why it's so awesome to get together in person with blog friends!! Anyone visiting DC soon, let me know =)

Ramble complete.

+EcceFiat+

My birthday gift to myself

...is not charting. I just needed a break. (I feel like I'm always needing a break!)

I feel like things are pretty much stalled in terms of medical treatment. I've checked zero items off my "list of three" I got from my new doctor back in October.

SA: how can one simple test be so darned complicated?!? Because it's my blog, I feel at liberty to complain. (grumble grumble) The one piece of advice my new doctor said was, "why don't you take the sample to [big local fertility company]?" Not so simple. We called them up, and you have to be a patient of theirs for them to run the test. I don't want to be their patient. I don't want anything to do with them. They are one of the biggest (if not the biggest) IVF clinics in the country. No way am I going in there to have a doctor push IVF on us. What a waste of time.

So then we had to call around and find other possible labs. Well, I can't do that at work - who wants their coworker overhear them ordering a semen analysis? Not me. So Mr. M has been calling (I'm very grateful) and it's so awkward! It's also a real challenge to find a place that will take our insurance, or will give us a quote up front. There are two places that might be in driving range (meaning we could do the test at home). That would be great because last time we tried from a hotel and the time crunch (check-in time, check-out time) just put too much pressure on it. But still, I'll have to take time off from work, time which I don't really have because of the holidays.

Really, why don't napro doctors run their own SA tests? Especially because you have to bring it in - it would just make things so much easier. I don't know, maybe some do?

Grumble.

Ovulation ultrasounds: well, I'll be mid-cycle at my parents over Thanksgiving, and then at my in-laws over Christmas. So January is the earliest I can do this test. But January I have a sizeable project at work with an end of the month deadline, so honestly I think it will be February before I do this. And the time commitment gets me: at least an hour for multiple days. That's just not easy when you work full-time!

Surgery: won't happen until the other 2 are done, so that's that.

With no medical options in the near future, I am giving myself the birthday gift of not even checking my "vitals." No charting at all. Just trying to love my husband, spend more time in prayer, and doing things I love. Not a bad way to spend Advent, I think! I hadn't realized what resentment I'd been harboring toward charting until I stopped doing it for a day or two and just felt incredibly relieved.

+EcceFiat+ 

11 randoms + 11 answers for Sayin' I Love You

Sayin' I Love You nominated me for a Liebster award, and I'm sorry I'm taking so long to respond to it! Sometimes it's hard to find time for blogging. But I think it's a neat idea and I'm honored to be asked, so without further ado, here are my answers:

Step 1: Post 11 random facts about yourself

1. It's my birthday today =)

2. I have time to blog because my generous husband is making me dinner! He made the dessert first, so I've been enjoying these Italian cookies called "couchidatas" or something - they're basically dough & nut balls covered with powdered sugar. Yum.

3. My mind went blank...it's hard to know what counts as "random". I guess something a lot of people don't know about you? Okay...my favorite movie growing up (school-age) was "A League of their own" (I played softball for years and loved it.)

4. I have 8 nieces and nephews, including a set of quadruplets. All on Mr. M's side.

5. I'm a convert to the Catholic faith. (Anabaptist --> Methodist --> Catholic)

6. Apparently my birthday is the day when Our Lady appeared to St. Catherine Labore and gave her the miraculous medal (a priest friend told me that - I never knew!)

7. I had a heart surgery right before my sophomore year of college, to correct atrioventricular tachycardia (basically my heart beat too fast). I'm fine now, thanks =)

8. Every summer growing up my family vacationed at Cape may, New Jersey.

9. Both sides of my family have been in the U.S. since before it was a country.

10. My husband proposed to me on a hike next to a waterfall. It was the same hike where we met (on a group outing).

11. The wierdest food combination I enjoy is pork rinds dipped in strawberry cream cheese.

Whew! That was actually kind of tough to think of interesting "random" facts!

Now I have to answer 11 questions from Sayin' I Love You. Here goes...

1.  Why did you start a blog?

As my sidebar said, I needed a place to think through this quite difficult experiencing of wanting to conceive and not being able to. I wanted to connect with other Catholic women who were going through the same thing.

2.  What is your favorite time of your day?

The morning! I'm definitely a morning person. I love the freshness of a new day with nothing gone wrong yet...my husband is a night person, so that's been interesting!

3.  When was the last time you cried and why?

Last night because I found out a classmate's wife is having her second baby.

4.  Do you like to leave comments on other people's blogs? Why or why not?

I do! I probably don't comment as much as I should. I like encouraging other people because I really appreciate when people encourage me in the comments.

5.  What is your favorite quote?

Oh wow. Hmm...how about "man cannot live without love" from Bl. John Paul II. (Redemptor Hominis)

6.  What is your guilty pleasure?

I honestly don't know if I have one...sometimes I like eating the ice cream start out of the carton.

7.  Do you have any talents?

I've been told I'm a good writer (I guess you all could judge that!) and I'm a decent singer.

8.  How old were you when you had your first kiss?

I was 16. The guy dumped me on my birthday several years later, so I try not to think about that relationship.

9.  How do you feel about plastic surgery?

I can see that it would be needed sometimes, like after a burn or to correct an abnormality. But I think it's sad when people change their healthy body because they don't think they're beautiful or worthy of love.

10.  What is your favorite childhood memory?

Thankfully, I have a lot! How about (seasonally appropriate)...playing in the snow until I was frozen through, then coming inside to a cup of hot chocolate and sitting at the kitchen table reading a book and feeling so warm and safe and happy.

11.  How did you come up with the name for your blog?

It just jumped into my mind. I read a book once ("On Being Catholic" by Thomas Howard) where he talked about "Ecce. Fiat" as the fundamental words of a Christian, and I thought that was beautiful.

Okay...I'm sorry, but I'm going to be lazy and not do the last part! I hope you don't mind, Sayin' I Love You! You asked almost all the people I know in blog land anyway =)

thanks again for "tagging" me - that was fun!

I hope you all have a blessed Thanksgiving! You're in my prayers

+EcceFiat+

I attended a baby shower

AND I went in Babies R Us to get a gift!

I'm kind of proud of myself =)

The friend whose baby shower it was is a former IF sufferer. She and her husband went through 6 years of TTC plus 2 m/cs before they conceived their daughter, who is due in January. Because of her background, she's been so incredibly sympathetic toward me and Mr. M.

For example, when she told us she was pregnant, she said right away, "It's okay if you cry - I bawled my eyes out when my best friend told me she was pregnant with her fourth. I understand." and I believed her. (I didn't cry.)

When we got the invitation to her shower, I immediately knew I wanted to go to support them. Plus - and this was a big factor! - it was addressed to both me and Mr. M. In my humble opinion, co-ed showers are a million, gajillion times easier than women-only showers.

So we went, with the goal of supporting our friends who have been through so much. And it went fine. I was right about the co-ed part: it was so calming to get to be next to Mr. M and to be in mixed company so every single sentence wasn't gushing about babies. We talked about other stuff and that kept me peaceful. Plus the hosts (our expectant friends) were just so gracious. They weren't braggy about their baby, and the mom didn't complain about pregnancy - they were just so happy and grateful and honestly it was very hopeful for me to see that. After 6 years, a child! Wow.

We couldn't stay through all the presents because I had to work that night, but even that was okay. The mom thanked everyone before opening gifts for being there, and got choked up saying how grateful they were for their child, and it was just so humble and lovely. No hint at all of "well, we got married last year, so this is what happens, go us" or anything like that.

Who knows what I'll do when the next shower rolls around. But I'm really glad we went to this one - I think they received our presence as a gift of love, knowing our circumstances.

+EcceFiat+

Not this month

Another cycle, come and gone.

Every failed cycle, there's something specific that I miss, that could have been but wasn't. That will never be. This specific child - never going to exist.

This time, it's pretty obvious: no "news" for my parents at Thanksgiving. A bit harder even: another birthday will come and go without a baby inside or outside the womb. Another calendar year...that's tough. Also (and I usually don't do this!) I looked up when a potential baby would be due, I guess in a fleeting moment of hopefulness, and the baby-that-isn't would've been due around the feast of St. Joachim and Anne. That would have been cool. Oh well.

I grieve all those specifics.

This cycle was kind of funny too: I felt crampy 5 days before my period actually started. No bleeding of any kind, just a dull kind of "pinch" for 5 days. Of course the one little hopeful cherub left in my brain tried to convince me, "maybe it's implantation cramps??" but I ignored it - been there, done that.

Also, for extra pizzazz, getting my period now means that my next "fertile window" (I just can't help putting it in quotes...sorry) will be while we're visiting my family over Thanksgiving. Sleeping in a very uncomfortable guest bed, in the room next to my parents. I joked with Mr. M that I would ask my mom and dad to get us a hotel room: "How much do you really want a grandchild?" ha ha. Just kidding!

What else is there to say? I'm just proud of myself for still going to work after AF showed, for being outwardly cheerful while I was inwardly crying, for still going with Mr. M to give a talk at marriage prep, for still making dinner, getting out of bed in the morning, etc. Not letting grief get the best of me. (It's crazy how much we IF ladies have to endure, and most of it is so hidden...)

+EcceFiat+

Am I on the cycle of spiritual fruitfulness?

Guest post by Mr. M! He's really getting into this blogging thing =)

Gratitude for infertility? “Yeah right. That's not for me! That's not my temperament! And really God, I think it is okay for me to be sad given my hardships! Any just God would understand why I can't be thankful for infertility – it's an evil after all – and God doesn't want me to be thankful for evil - right?”

All of these thoughts have entered my mind at one time or another during this infertility struggle my wife and I have been experiencing. But as soon as I think these thoughts, then I read Paul's challenge: “Be filled with the Spirit . . . giving thanks to God the Father at all times and for everything in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ” (Eph. 5:18; emphasis added). Be thankful “at all times” and for “everything?” “Well that would seem to include suffering and evil – like infertility. What gives? Really Lord – you want me to be thankful for that? I'll be thankful for other things but not for that. That's impossible!” From on high then I hear a voice speak soft to my heart through this scripture: “Yes, my son, I want you to be thankful for even that.” Long pause. Selfishness of wanting to do things my own way slowly starting to crumbling and then a big “Hummph” heaved on my part.

As usual, this is one of those passages in scripture that I am tempted to pass over for more comfortable, bourgeois ones that already fit who I am and what I do. I have, as my former pastor and still friend Fr. Larry Richards puts it, a tendency to pick and choose which scripture passages I like to hear and tend to pick those that are the most convenient for me. But this won't do as a Christian! As Christians we are called to accept the entire Gospel and all biblical directives no matter how difficult they are for us to understand or to practice. No picking and choosing allowed here. We must choose all or nothing. So “I choose all” I say finally to that angelic voice yet quickly follow it up with “Maybe you could tell me a little bit about how I can do this Lord?! Help my unbelief and unwillingness!”

This is how my dialogue went recently with God and all of these thoughts forced me to examine my attitude toward gratitude. I thought to myself, “Do I treat gratitude as just one of those nice pious sentiments that yeah we should in general do, but when it costs us then I can chuck it off my Christian to-do list? In other words do I make gratitude just a platitude? You know, a platitude - one of those nice things we tell ourselves and others to do but secretly justify to not do because of the aforementioned reasons above. Yes, I know I have treated gratitude in that way and have brushed off the Christian teaching to be thankful 'at all times' and for 'everything' on more than one occasion.” So I began to examine my soul more in depth. Why do I do this? “Usually,” I concluded, “it is because of a lack of knowledge as to why something is good for me and usually it is because I have too limited of thoughts on the topic or then again sometimes I am just selfish. I just want to go on the shorter, easier road.” But as usual, God wants to break open my limited thoughts and actions here. So I pressed on in my search these last few days for a deeper meaning of gratitude. Here is what the Lord has taught me so far, although I know I am nowhere near done learning about how to be grateful like Christ.

I was reading another great book by Jacques Phillipe called The Way of Trust and Love: A Retreat Guided by St. Therese of Lisieux. In that book, he started to discuss gratitude not just as a good practice to do occasionally to uplift our spiritual lives, but actually as a necessary law of every spiritual life. In other words, gratitude is not an option. It is something we have to practice regardless of temperament or disposition. “Okay, but why?” Here Jacques Phillipe gives a further insight that has proved helpful to me in the last week or two. He calls gratitude a necessary part of the circle of a healthy spiritual life as opposed to the circle of an unsatisfied, unhealthy spiritual life. I would like to use more colorful terms related to our particular suffering here. So lets call these two patterns the “cycle of spiritual fruitfulness” and the “cycle of spiritual infertility”.

Cycle of Spiritual Fruitfulness

The cycle of spiritual fruitfulness, according to Jacques Phillipe, interpreting St. Therese of Lisieux's thought, begins with trust in God, which is nourished through a life of faithfulness in prayer to God. As a necessary part of this trust, Jacques Phillipe says, we must be grateful before all questions are resolved in regard to our suffering because gratitude opens up our heart to God. Finding a way to be grateful for things opens up our heart because it moves us away from thinking of only our weaknesses or only on the evil, which is not God, to what is good and therefore of God. As we see more of God, then we give more to God and in turn receive more of God's love and grace in our life. As we receive more of His love, then we are healed more and are also able to grow in love more. This cycle then repeats as we grow in love and we become more and more loved and loving little by little. Thus, this is the slow path towards growth and spiritual fruitfulness, but it begins with trust and gratitude. Here is a nifty diagram I created.

Trust → Gratitude

↑ ↓

Love ← Opens Heart

Cycle of Spiritual Infertility

Now, the opposite of this cycle of spiritual fruitfulness is the cycle of spiritual infertility. The cycle of spiritual infertility begins with a lack of trust in God through a lack of faithfulness to one's prayer life. In place of gratitude there is a negativity focused on our weaknesses, what we lack, and our suffering. This negativity closes our hearts off from God because we are focusing on what is not God. As a result, this ingratitude makes God's love more distant from us through our own action. As a result, we push the healing and love away in exchange for nursing sourly one's wounds and isolation. If we let this endure too long, then our whole life becomes one big storm of sadness and anger. Eventually, we can even turn bitter toward life in general and eventually hateful towards others and God. Sure, it may be an extreme to become hateful towards others and God, but nonetheless we can isolate ourselves as the result of not having trust and gratitude and this invariably leads to less love. Here is a diagram of the cycle of spiritual infertility.

Distrust → Negativity

↑↓

Less Love ← Closed Heart

So, the cycle of spiritual fruitfulness offers us several good reasons for why Paul instructs us to be grateful at all times and for everything with no exception. What I have learned is that I want to open up my heart more to the Lord and to thereby love more, so I must find a way to be thankful for all things - even for infertility.

With this in mind, I went back to my dialogue with God. I asked God for the grace to be more grateful moment to moment in my daily life for everything. God, in turn, has asked me when I am tempted to be ungrateful and negative to make an act of trust in the moment and find something to be grateful for – health, the fresh crisp autumn air perhaps, or even more profoundly - my wonderful wife – and thereby to become more aware of His love in my life. Slowly then I become a little more grateful and a little less negative and eventually I hope to become with God's help grateful for everything in my life.

This gratefulness at all times, like the Gospel command to pray at all times, does not come overnight and does not necessitate a formal act of thankfulness at every moment. In fact, as the Catechism of the Catholic Church teaches about prayer - to pray always requires us to pray sometimes - so too with gratitude. To be thankful always requires us to be thankful consciously sometimes throughout the day in the little, hidden moments of the day, but obviously not necessarily consciously through a formal act at all times. So I need to practice this gratitude sometimes through my day. As I become more grateful in those little moments, I will not only be able to resist ingratitude in the big, more difficult moments, like when I think about our infertility after seeing our friend's kids bop around me at their house, but also it will help me to be grateful even for our suffering. In this way, I think I am slowly becoming thankful at all times, although such a task even with God's grace is still far off for me. I am very unfinished. But through grace I have come to learn that while we may not be able to control our natural cycles of fertility, we can always choose what spiritual cycle we are in. So I choose the cycle of spiritual fruitfulness. What cycle are you on? Come Holy Spirit, make all of us more grateful!

And oh yes – “Lord I thank you for these insights, for the holy resolve to put these insights into practice, for our blogger friends who are reading this lengthy post and haven't passed out yet with reader's fatigue, for heat on a cold day, my daily Sacrament with my wife and yes . . . okay . . . fine . . . I thank you even for the cross of our infertility that mysteriously brings us closer to one another and You by teaching us all of these challenging lessons that we may have not learned otherwise.”

Please pray for us to continue to stay on the right cycle as we will pray for all of your cycles both natural and supernatural!

+Ecce Fiat's Husband+