Monday, March 4, 2013

Another Lenten Snapshot

The last few days have been tough! I know that suffering (or the acute perception of it) comes and goes, and the last few days I've found myself often in tears, over big and little things. I think part of it is that I read back through some journal entries I made this past year and a half, and realized that it's been over a year since I've felt intense disappointment and sadness over my childlessness. (Not just the time we've been trying to conceive – the time it's been painful that we haven't conceived. The first six months or so were different because I hadn't mentally shifted over from "how exciting – we're trying to have a baby!" to "this is taking longer than I thought it would.")


Over a year is a long time to feel intense disappointement and sadness on a regular basis! No wonder I feel emotionally exhausted constantly. No wonder I find myself placing barriers in my heart against thoughts of pregnancy and babies. No wonder I quickly delete birth announcement emails. And the thing that scares me is that I just don't know how much longer this roller coaster of emotions is going to last. I could, God willing, get pregnant this very cycle. Or I could never get pregnant, ever. I really need to figure out how to cope with these negative emotions, and with being childless, for the long term, because I don't want to be in tears for the rest of my adult life!


My Lenten sacrifice of offering up to God my desire for a child has been hard these last few days too. I want to think it's part of a purification process, purifying my desires and my heart. One realization I had, sparked by a(nother) tearful but very healing conversation with Mr. M, who is so wise, is that part of offering up my desire for motherhood to God – entrusting God with this most precious desire, and asking for nothing in return but His love – is that I need to be content with our "life as two." That is, if I'm really serious about trusting God with my future children, and not clinging to the hope of motherhood as to a life preserver, as if it were the only thing that will make me happy, I need to see the positive good of this time when it's just me and Mr. M – realizing that it's within the bounds of possibility that it could always be just me and Mr. M. My first reaction to that scenario is one of bottomless sorrow. To think of never being a mother is a thought I shove to the furthest regions of my consciousness because it is too painful. And of course it's good and natural to desire motherhood. But I'm afraid I'm starting to resent married life with Mr. M for what it is not, instead of rejoice in the goodness that it is.


I don't know if that makes any sense. I do know that something I'm learning from my Lenten offering is to truly, sincerely appreciate the state of my life right now. If I really mean it when I say that I trust God with my desire for motherhood, which is an extension of trusting Him with my happiness, then I need to be able to relax and let it be – let this childless time of my life be what it is: hard, yes, but also so filled with goodness! Genuine goodness. Goodness that is at danger of being overwhelmed by the ever-encroaching shadow of my sorrow.


So last night, I was lying on the couch feeling completely awash with emotion and longing, and I looked for a long time at a picture of us on our honeymoon in Rome, dressed in our wedding garb, clinging to each other and radiant with joy. And I thought, "I love that man. I love our life together" and it was such a life-giving, heart-warming thought. A thought I need to repeat again and again, say to myself more than I say "I want a baby – I want a baby – I want a baby." I guess what I'm trying to say, clumsily, is that the flip side of offering my desire for motherhood up to God is loving my life right now, as it is, childless and all.


+EcceFiat+

8 comments:

  1. Oh hon. no advice here but I can so relate to your post. I know the thought of "I want a baby" but we often forget our husbands in all this. They process it differently than us but they are going through IF just as much as we are. Our DHs are such a blessing!

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    1. So true :) my husband keeps me sane! He's an eternal optimist which is so helpful when going thru IF.

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  2. "No wonder I feel emotionally exhausted constantly. No wonder I find myself placing barriers in my heart against thoughts of pregnancy and babies. No wonder I quickly delete birth announcement emails. And the thing that scares me is that I just don't know how much longer this roller coaster of emotions is going to last."

    Yes, yes, and yes. Wow, its a good thing I don't have an IF blog because I would essentially say all the things you say, except that you say them much better. We are in such a similar place, I think. I have found myself lately looking at our wedding pictures on the wall and feeling so sad because of how happily innocent of all this we were on that day. Last night I suddenly burst into tears when Chuck suggested we ask his sister-in-law to send something in her stash of knitted projects to give to our friends who just had twins (I may be a little terrified that she's going to enter a cloistered convent--summer 2014--before she can knit something specifically for our baby and meet our baby...)

    Thanks for this post, and for your insight. I'm going to try to start praying specifically every day for a better appreciation of my husband, of marriage, and of where I am right now. I'll pray for you too!

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    1. Thank you for your prayers, Katie, and I'm sorry you're going thru a tough time too! I can relate to what you said about the wedding pictures - I've had that same thought exactly!

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  3. The coping is hard, some days you do it well, others not so much...

    I too try to focus on my husband and the gift he is. We eventually got to a point where we decided to actively enjoy each other. We did things we wouldn't do or would have a hard time doing with a baby. Took a trip to Florida. Looking back I'm glad we had that time together.

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    1. Focusing on what you do have makes all the difference.

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  4. It is so UNBELIEVABLY hard to not think about wanting a baby when all the time you DO want a baby, but I understand being happy with just the two of you. I didn't put as much effort into being happy with just the two of us before we adopted Luke (I'm not a model Catholic!). I was bitter and moody and sort of depressed. It did help when I would do things as I wanted to, instead of "waiting until we have children." That made it better and made me happier as just the two of us.

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  5. Yes, I've struggled with similar emotions. My husband reminded that we (just the two of us) are a family already. We just want to grow our family with children. And yes! It is exhausting to experience intense disappointment and sadness each month... it is like grieving the child you won't have each month. (That's what it feels like to me anyway.) And grieving is exhausting. I like Ania's idea of doing fun things together.

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