Part of the reason is practical: I had several work trips in early summer, and it’s hard to “use” our peak days when I’m sleeping alone on the other side of the country! So it seemed silly to pay for the Tamox.ifen and then maybe not even have any good timing, if you know what I mean. And it’s really hard to schedule the sonohysterogram, which can only be done in a window of 4-5 days per cycle, when I don’t know if I’ll be in town for the right days.
But I think there's also an emotional reason for our “pause” in treatment (if you can even call it that – compared to so many IF bloggers, we’ve done next to nothing so far: only one minor surgery, no drugs, no major diet changes, etc.). Let’s see, how to put this…I feel like if I take a drug that is supposed to help us conceive, I/we are only going to feel that much more pressure to get our timing right, etc. And I’m only going to feel that much more disappointed if that cycle is a bust. And also mad at “wasting” money.
In other words, I’m afraid that if we do pursue treatment, be it Tamox.ifen or maybe a diet change, or whatever, my hopes are going to go way, way up, and the compounding crash on CD1 is going to be that much worse.
That’s kind of the luxury of “doing nothing,” I guess. At least I can’t blame myself for missing a dose or not using the “right” day or eating the wrong thing…I’m no longer surprised when CD1 comes, but then again we’ve been at this for almost two years now, and have taken barely any steps to fix whatever is wrong. (Not that we even know what that is.)
All this rambling is to say, I wonder if anyone out there has felt the same? It’s like I want to pursue diagnosis and treatment for whatever is causing our IF. I want to get to the bottom of it and to heal our bodies. More than anything else, I want so, so badly to be a mom. And for Mr. M to be a dad. And I feel a little guilty not doing “more” toward that goal and desire.
But on the other hand, I’m scared. Scared that we’ll spend a lot of money, time, effort, blood, sweat, tears, etc. in seeking a problem and solution to our IF, and still come up empty. Even more than empty – broke and exhausted. The status quo has become at least bearable, if not enjoyable. I know what it feels like to be childless month after month. I expect that. I’m worried what my emotions will do if we amp up our baby-pursuits beyond the “stalled” that it’s currently at. I’m worried about what it will do to our marriage, to our peace of mind, etc.
I want to be able to pursue diagnosis and treatment and forget about it at the same time, if that makes sense. I guess I’m pretty protective of my mental health, of our marriage, of our pocketbooks, and so on. But am I being overly protective? Do we just need to take the plunge and try something – anything – for a while? I don’t know. All I know is that I am praying about this, a lot. Because my "work trip" excuse will expire after this final trip in mid-July, and after that we need to decide what, if anything, to pursue.