Part of the reason is practical: I had several work trips in early
summer, and it’s hard to “use” our peak days when I’m sleeping alone on the
other side of the country! So it seemed silly to pay for the Tamox.ifen and
then maybe not even have any good timing, if you know what I mean. And it’s
really hard to schedule the sonohysterogram, which can only be done in a window
of 4-5 days per cycle, when I don’t know if I’ll be in town for the right days.
But I think there's also an emotional reason for our “pause” in treatment (if you
can even call it that – compared to so many IF bloggers, we’ve done next to
nothing so far: only one minor surgery, no drugs, no major diet changes, etc.). Let’s see, how to put this…I feel like if I take a drug that is
supposed to help us conceive, I/we are only going to feel that much more
pressure to get our timing right, etc. And I’m only going to feel that much
more disappointed if that cycle is a bust. And also mad at “wasting” money.
In other words, I’m afraid that if we do pursue treatment, be it
Tamox.ifen or maybe a diet change, or whatever, my hopes are going to go way, way up, and
the compounding crash on CD1 is going to be that much worse.
That’s kind of the luxury of “doing nothing,” I guess. At least I can’t
blame myself for missing a dose or not using the “right” day or eating the
wrong thing…I’m no longer surprised when CD1 comes, but then again we’ve been
at this for almost two years now, and have taken barely any steps to fix
whatever is wrong. (Not that we even know what that is.)
All this rambling is to say, I wonder if anyone out there has felt the
same? It’s like I want to pursue diagnosis and treatment for whatever is
causing our IF. I want to get to the bottom of it and to heal our bodies. More
than anything else, I want so, so badly to be a mom. And for Mr. M to be a dad.
And I feel a little guilty not doing “more” toward that goal and desire.
But on the other hand, I’m scared. Scared that we’ll spend a lot of
money, time, effort, blood, sweat, tears, etc. in seeking a problem and
solution to our IF, and still come up empty. Even more than empty – broke and
exhausted. The status quo has become
at least bearable, if not enjoyable. I know what it feels like to be childless
month after month. I expect that. I’m worried what my emotions will do if we
amp up our baby-pursuits beyond the “stalled” that it’s currently at. I’m
worried about what it will do to our marriage, to our peace of mind, etc.
I want to be able to pursue diagnosis and treatment and forget about
it at the same time, if that makes sense. I guess I’m pretty protective of my
mental health, of our marriage, of our pocketbooks, and so on. But am I being
overly protective? Do we just need to take the plunge and try something –
anything – for a while? I don’t know. All I know is that I am praying about
this, a lot. Because my "work trip" excuse will expire after this final trip in mid-July, and after that we need to decide what, if anything, to pursue.
+EcceFiat+
My husband and I have been married and TTC for almost three years. I have felt the same way as you many times in the past, scared that by doing so much, I'm just going to be that much more disappointed. I would say that if you've prayed about it, just go with whichever path gives you the most peace. Even if you decide to take a break from "active" trying for now, that doesn't mean you can't go back to the medical tests and treatments whenever the time seems right. Everybody's infertility path is so different. Since my lap surgery in February, we've been off all medical treatments, taking a break and just letting my body get back to its natural state, off all of the medications we had been on for the last year. We had planned to start our next course of medical treatments (progesterone) next month, but were absolutely shocked last week to get a positive pregnancy test! It still feels totally unreal, and is scary because I know I have a higher risk of miscarriage due to my low progesterone. I feel like I've gotten used to the pain and fear of infertility, and this is a whole new unknown, which is scary.
ReplyDeletePray for peace, talk to your husband, and I think the best course of action should become clear.
Wow - that's huge! I will say prayers for you and the baby!!
DeleteEcce-in a sense, I think it is wise to wait as long as you feel inclined. I felt much the same way, we didn't start pursuing anything (aside from charting) until after more than a year and a half, and then it was only a couple doctor appointments at first. There is a feeling of not wanting to jump into the big pool of IF, and it's a really big pool. And in the larger realm of IF, even our 3-year journey is short to some and our medical decisions so far extremely conservative. But even still, there are periods of time when the involvement seems to be SO much--time spent at the doctor, money on medication and procedures, effort to get timing *just right*--and there is NO WAY we could keep that up month after month. So we do a little at a time. I think you are so wise to want to protect your marriage and mental/emotional health...this particular struggle can be such a harrowing journey! I will pray for you to know what the "next steps" should be and that you will make them in trust in God and not in fear (because deciding to DO something can be out of fear as well)....right along with my prayers that we will know our own next steps! xo
ReplyDeleteThanks =) I think my big thing to discern now is whether I need this "break" or whether I'm being lazy/scared/unwilling to try something just because of the fear of failing...which I think in general are not the greatest reasons to not do something potentially difficult. So much to think about - always! I half want to give it all up, even at this point, but then would I wonder...what if we tried this or that? Praying for you too!
DeleteThere's so much that goes into even the smallest IF decision... I've been dragging my feet on filling out my forms for my cycle review (or something? I haven't even looked at them yet lol), and am starting to get a bit lazy with my charting... and I think its mainly out of frustration that we have to do anything "extra" to have a baby when everyone else just has to make love once or twice. I mean, its not like a cycle review is even a major medical treatment, you know? I'm just lucky the financial side is not a big consideration (my health insurance is AMAZING). So I totally understand your hesitation to go for the bigger steps... :-/
ReplyDeleteNow that you said that, Katie, I'm sure that's part of my problem too: interior sorrow/frustration that we even have to take these steps to get pregnant when so many other people don't. I guess there's no way around that, but it's still hard and feels really unfair at times.
Delete(I hear you about the lazy charting too! I used to be a model charter and now I'm lucky to get all the stickers put on each month.)
Yup I hear ya! It is so difficult to make any medical decisions because all that is involved. I will pray for you and your DH's discernment and whatever you decide Gid gives you peace about it.
ReplyDeleteThanks for your prayers and same to you of course!!!
DeleteI hear ya, and while The Man and I have done (what feels like, though in comparison to others is not) a lot, so much of our decision making was made for us because my initial doctor was retiring. I will say that part of what started the current "medical break" we are on was frustrations similar to those you listed.
ReplyDeleteIt's nice not thinking much about it, but at the same time I wonder if we are just wasting time.
So excited to see you soon - and discuss such things in person :)!
Agreed!!! (re: your last line)
DeleteUgh, the "wasting time" gets to me too...I know time is never really "wasted" as long as you're loving God, seeking his will, etc., but at the same time that dumb old clock just keeps on ticking...just "letting it be" is so hard!
I think these are the kinds of things that no one else looking in could ever give what the right answer is for you and your family. I don't think that you have to pursue other things, and I will pray that you will be able to figure out what is best for you and when is best to do it, and that if you don't do more, it is not fear that is stopping you, but simply that you've determined it isn't best for you right now. And that may be the most rambling comment I've left in a long while! :)
ReplyDeleteThanks for the prayers =) You're right: these kinds of decisions are so personal. It's like the firm lines are there: what's in and out of bounds as regards medical treatment. And of course we don't have to do anything at all: that's licit too. But between those two extremes, it's a real challenge to figure out what's the best thing to do. I guess we should see it as getting some good practice at discernment, which can always come in handy! =)
DeleteMy heart ached when I read this because it was so familiar to my story, especially the part about not doing enough. My DH and i have been married for 3 1/2 years and we have not done that much compared to most. We go through phases when we try medication for 3 or 4 cycles and then we stop. Recently we are ready to dive in, but I am guarding my heart because I don't want to get hurt.
ReplyDeleteAlso I am not a doctor, but I took tamoxifen for 4 cycles and I found that it helped to get my cycles under control, maybe you should just take it on faith that God will work it out. We missed peak on it once but I let it go, it happens, the medicine helped me chart better and keep positive. As much as I hated the side effects I miss the results of a better looking chart. Just a food for thought.
Keep praying about it. Before you dive in be fully prepared and make sure your DH and you are on the same page. For us, it took a while to get on the same page, but I think we are there.
I will be praying for you.
Thanks for the tip about Tamoxifen: I appreciate hearing others' experiences. Part of me wants to say, "I guess it couldn't hurt" (although there are side-effects...care to elaborate? =)) But part of me dislikes the idea of just "trying out" a drug without a clear rational reason as to why it would help. It makes me feel like a guinea pig, or something.
DeleteAnd I totally understand the "guarding your heart" piece! It's so hard feeling vulnerable all the time (at parties with pregnant friends and babies, at mass, etc.) and heartache just gets old after a while.
Praying for you too!
I understand this completely. We had great reasons for waiting almost two years to start any treatment (though I got basic diagnoses around 1 year that put us squarely in "unexplained") which included travel out of country, job stresses, etc. but I'd be lying if a huge part of it was that I just didn't want to face the added pressure that we needed something "more" than it was "supposed" to take. but then, after our treatment we conceived so....I don't know what to make of it. I do know that it was important for us to take our time and I'm glad we did. just keep praying about it and talking to your husband. its pretty important to be on the same page so he's supportive of how emotional the whole treatment process can get :/
ReplyDelete