1. I've been reading an amazing book called "Burst." It's about a lot of things, but one topic is the author's struggle with infertility. It's written by a guy, so that's neat. He and his wife fought about whether to do IVF or not (she wanted to; he didn't) and some pretty miraculous events changed her mind and led them to adoption. The book's a great read.
2. Fun plans this weekend: on Sunday is our 4th annual Valentine's dinner, a tradition with us and a few couple friends. The husbands cook the meal and the wives relax and then enjoy the meal =) The guys always do such an amazing job! They really go over the top - it's a labor of love. This year it will be us and 2 other couples. Par for the course, I'm the only non-mother. But they're getting baby-sitters, so it should be a fun triple date.
3. I'm very proud of myself for going to a baby shower for a coworker today. Granted, I only stayed about 10 minutes, but it was held during work hours, after all, and I don't know the coworker well. I thought of skipping out but then thought that I'd appreciate having people come to my shower if/when that blessed day occurs!
4. Something I'm excited about: getting ready for this year's garden! We have a 15x15 foot plot in a community garden in our town. It's always so fun to choose seeds out of the catalog. We're ordering ones like: Principe Borghese cherry tomato; Atomic Red carrot; Climbing French green bean; and so on. I loved gardening last summer: it took my mind off of things, gave me something to nurture, saved us money, and was delicious! (It was a lot of work, though...)
5. The SA didn't happen after all. I'm not going to go into details. I realized after the fact that sharing about this particular infertility topic is too personal for us as a couple - even on an anonymous blog. So that's that.
6. I'm out of things to say.
7. Have a great weekend!
Friday, February 8, 2013
Wednesday, February 6, 2013
Prayers requested, prayers offered
If all goes well, it looks like we will finally check the SA test off the list tomorrow. We have the hotel booked for tonight, less than a mile from the hospital that is doing the test tomorrow morning. I will be so relieved when it's over, so if you could say a prayer that everything goes as well as it can, that we're not slammed with an exorbitant bill after the fact, and also especially that everything checks out okay and we can move on, that would be so appreciated! (Also, if the hotel has a swimming pool, that would be an extra bonus...!)
Hopefully it doesn't sound wierd to say that I'm "offering" all of the inconvenience, expense, annoyance, time, and akwardness of the SA as a prayer...but if that "counts" as a suffering to be offered, I'll be offering it for the blogger o' the month, JellyBelly! (I've never offered this particular experience before, to say the least...! And hopefully won't have to again.)
I'm also offering the disappointment I feel when people who got married after me get pregnant before me. I'm having a hard time with that lately. It's so very easy to feel like that's not fair, to feel jealous, and to feel left behind. So that's that.
+EcceFiat+
Hopefully it doesn't sound wierd to say that I'm "offering" all of the inconvenience, expense, annoyance, time, and akwardness of the SA as a prayer...but if that "counts" as a suffering to be offered, I'll be offering it for the blogger o' the month, JellyBelly! (I've never offered this particular experience before, to say the least...! And hopefully won't have to again.)
I'm also offering the disappointment I feel when people who got married after me get pregnant before me. I'm having a hard time with that lately. It's so very easy to feel like that's not fair, to feel jealous, and to feel left behind. So that's that.
Friday, February 1, 2013
Friday quick takes #3
1. Mr. M read this post (he reads all my posts, and often they start good conversations), which ended rather melodramatically: "Spring comes every year, right?" The next day, Mr. M sends me this picture:
With this caption: "Spring is here in our apt. Just thought you would like a picture of it." Mmmmelt my heart =) That's our fig tree, by the way, which by the looks of it will have fully-ripe fruit before Easter!
2. Speaking of Mr. M, he requested for his birthday party, which is tomorrow, a chocolate mousse cake. The picture looked delicious, and it didn't sound that hard to make. Well, I don't know if I didn't beat the eggs enough or what, but the cake I pulled out of the oven last night was about one-quarter the size of the one in the photo! It looked like a flat, burnt pancake. Although still quite yummy. We had a good laugh over that, and I am now going to make a butterscotch bundt cake for the party. I guess I need more practice with mousse!
3. Exciting things are happening in my little corner of the world...basically I called up the director of family life in my archdiocese (whom I know) and asked whether there are any infertility ministries. There aren't (which I think is pretty typical? I haven't heard of a lot of diocese-based infertility/miscarriage ministries, period). Anyway, I suggested to the director the idea of holding a mass for those struggling with infertility and/or miscarriage. He loves the idea! As in, he really wants it to happen. I can't express how happy this makes me - I don't think I've felt this happy or excited about something for a while. If you could, please say a prayer that the mass gets off the ground. There are other ideas too - maybe for a speaker, a support group, a prayer chain, etc. It's all very tentative, but really really exciting.
Only 3 today - lots to do! Have a good weekend!
+EcceFiat+
With this caption: "Spring is here in our apt. Just thought you would like a picture of it." Mmmmelt my heart =) That's our fig tree, by the way, which by the looks of it will have fully-ripe fruit before Easter!
2. Speaking of Mr. M, he requested for his birthday party, which is tomorrow, a chocolate mousse cake. The picture looked delicious, and it didn't sound that hard to make. Well, I don't know if I didn't beat the eggs enough or what, but the cake I pulled out of the oven last night was about one-quarter the size of the one in the photo! It looked like a flat, burnt pancake. Although still quite yummy. We had a good laugh over that, and I am now going to make a butterscotch bundt cake for the party. I guess I need more practice with mousse!
3. Exciting things are happening in my little corner of the world...basically I called up the director of family life in my archdiocese (whom I know) and asked whether there are any infertility ministries. There aren't (which I think is pretty typical? I haven't heard of a lot of diocese-based infertility/miscarriage ministries, period). Anyway, I suggested to the director the idea of holding a mass for those struggling with infertility and/or miscarriage. He loves the idea! As in, he really wants it to happen. I can't express how happy this makes me - I don't think I've felt this happy or excited about something for a while. If you could, please say a prayer that the mass gets off the ground. There are other ideas too - maybe for a speaker, a support group, a prayer chain, etc. It's all very tentative, but really really exciting.
Only 3 today - lots to do! Have a good weekend!
+EcceFiat+
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
Cycle Day 1, aka Mr. M's birthday
Well, it's that time of the month again. (Actually yesterday - didn't have a chance to post.) AF showed up right on schedule, just in time for Mr. M's birthday. I was so hoping that I could add to his birthday card, "Happy birthday....dad," but not this time. So we start cycle 20 and keep on praying. (I was also really, realllllly hoping to not have to do the SA, but that's on our schedule for this month now.)
I could have also subtitled this post "Why I Love My Husband." If it were me, and CD1 fell on my birthday, I would have been a total puddle the entire day, crying into my birthday cake...but Mr. M is just so faithfully cheerful! He was disappointed, for sure, but he still had such a joyful attitude - he thanked me profusely for his birthday breakfast of cinnamon bun mug cake and a smoothie.
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| Mine looked nothing like this - they didn't explain how to get that swirly look! I guess with a frosting bag? Anyway, way too much work for 6:30 a.m. But my version still pleased my husband's sweet tooth! =) |
+EcceFiat+
Monday, January 28, 2013
Consolation / Desolation
I've been thinking a lot about what a friend told me a week or so ago. She said that when she lifts up Mr. M and I in prayer, she has a distinct feeling that this childless time of our life is just a season, and that this season will pass.
Oh, how I hope she's right.
Her words stuck with me because they made me think (obvious alert) about how some times of life are filled with consolation, and some are filled with desolation. I feel pretty lucky (blessed?) that most of my memories fall in the first category. I had a relatively happy childhood, got a good education, have made some amazing friends, found a wonderful husband, have traveled and done some interesting things. Lots of consolation.
But right now, the scale tips not-so-subtly toward desolation.
We've been trying to get pregnant for a year and a half. That's desolation any way you slice it.
My parents are going through some serious troubles. Mr. M's parents are already divorced. Both situations are really tough.
Mr. M just got a serious setback on his PhD work.
I wouldn't describe my job as my dream job. I'm so grateful for it and love my coworkers, but it's not what I want to do for the rest of my life.
And smaller things: our apartment is somewhat cramped, it's blah wintertime, my paycheck is lower than it was last year, our hall light is broken and dangling down from the ceiling in the most ghetto way possible, whine whine whine.
In general, the word I would use to describe how I've felt lately is stagnant. I feel like nothing is happening in my life - nothing I want to happen, anyway. Compared to other times of my life, when I felt happier and like things were more interesting and more vibrant, this has been a tough chunk of time.
Then today, I had lunch with a wonderful friend who was visiting from out of town. I haven't seen her since before she got married in July. Turns out she is expecting a honeymoon baby, due in May. She and her husband are living in her hometown and just bought what sounds like a dream "starter" house. As I was listening to her, I felt the now-familiar green creep of jealousy working its way up from my heart. I'm so happy for her, truly, but between us, I had to walk back to work awfully slowly to quell the sobs that came right on cue.
But it did occur to me that my friend hasn't always had it this good. She's gone through her own times of desolation, one of which was about the same time that I was engaged and getting married - a time of consolation if ever there was one! I wonder how she felt then. Maybe like I feel now.
I told her before we parted that I was struggling, and that I could really use something right happening in my life - some good news for once! I hesitated to bring up my gloominess in the face of all her joy - but I guess that's what good friends are for, right? She was very sympathetic, and agreed that sometimes things are just tough. But then, she said, you turn a corner, often precipitated by a surprise, and whammo, consolation is back. And I know she knows that shift from experience.
I really hope to find that corner soon. I really hope this season of desolation ends. Spring comes every year, right?
Oh, how I hope she's right.
Her words stuck with me because they made me think (obvious alert) about how some times of life are filled with consolation, and some are filled with desolation. I feel pretty lucky (blessed?) that most of my memories fall in the first category. I had a relatively happy childhood, got a good education, have made some amazing friends, found a wonderful husband, have traveled and done some interesting things. Lots of consolation.
But right now, the scale tips not-so-subtly toward desolation.
We've been trying to get pregnant for a year and a half. That's desolation any way you slice it.
My parents are going through some serious troubles. Mr. M's parents are already divorced. Both situations are really tough.
Mr. M just got a serious setback on his PhD work.
I wouldn't describe my job as my dream job. I'm so grateful for it and love my coworkers, but it's not what I want to do for the rest of my life.
And smaller things: our apartment is somewhat cramped, it's blah wintertime, my paycheck is lower than it was last year, our hall light is broken and dangling down from the ceiling in the most ghetto way possible, whine whine whine.
In general, the word I would use to describe how I've felt lately is stagnant. I feel like nothing is happening in my life - nothing I want to happen, anyway. Compared to other times of my life, when I felt happier and like things were more interesting and more vibrant, this has been a tough chunk of time.
Then today, I had lunch with a wonderful friend who was visiting from out of town. I haven't seen her since before she got married in July. Turns out she is expecting a honeymoon baby, due in May. She and her husband are living in her hometown and just bought what sounds like a dream "starter" house. As I was listening to her, I felt the now-familiar green creep of jealousy working its way up from my heart. I'm so happy for her, truly, but between us, I had to walk back to work awfully slowly to quell the sobs that came right on cue.
But it did occur to me that my friend hasn't always had it this good. She's gone through her own times of desolation, one of which was about the same time that I was engaged and getting married - a time of consolation if ever there was one! I wonder how she felt then. Maybe like I feel now.
I told her before we parted that I was struggling, and that I could really use something right happening in my life - some good news for once! I hesitated to bring up my gloominess in the face of all her joy - but I guess that's what good friends are for, right? She was very sympathetic, and agreed that sometimes things are just tough. But then, she said, you turn a corner, often precipitated by a surprise, and whammo, consolation is back. And I know she knows that shift from experience.
I really hope to find that corner soon. I really hope this season of desolation ends. Spring comes every year, right?
Thursday, January 24, 2013
Why I Love My Husband #1
I thought this would be a fun series to start, and certainly uplifting!
Why I Love My Husband: Reason #1
I love tea. And hot chocolate. Really, hot drinks of any kind. Especially in winter. So I was quite sad yesterday when Mr. M called me at work to tell me that my beloved teakettle had started to flake off from the inside and had dumped a lot of gross paint flecks or something in his teacup. Gross!
I love my husband because he drove all around town yesterday, trying to find a teakettle for me. But they were all so over-priced or were boring colors like stainless steel or white. Or they didn't have whistles.
But then he spent time this morning finding teakettles online that are right up my alley.
He even found one that's identical to my lately bemoaned kettle, which my mom had found at a thrift store!
He also sent me links to other wonderful-looking kettles:
Why I Love My Husband: Reason #1
I love tea. And hot chocolate. Really, hot drinks of any kind. Especially in winter. So I was quite sad yesterday when Mr. M called me at work to tell me that my beloved teakettle had started to flake off from the inside and had dumped a lot of gross paint flecks or something in his teacup. Gross!
I love my husband because he drove all around town yesterday, trying to find a teakettle for me. But they were all so over-priced or were boring colors like stainless steel or white. Or they didn't have whistles.
But then he spent time this morning finding teakettles online that are right up my alley.
He even found one that's identical to my lately bemoaned kettle, which my mom had found at a thrift store!
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| Yes, it is a cow =) And it has a little bell that actually rings and a tail! |
 |
| It has leaves on the whistle! |
 |
Such cute little horns! Not an animal - still very pretty. I can't figure out how to get out of caption mode...anyway, I love my husband because he went out of his way to find me a lovely kettle so I can have hot drinks again =) |
Wednesday, January 23, 2013
This valley of tears
Some days, the waiting is just more painful than other days. I can't quite figure out why. It's not like anything major happened. Maybe it's hormones? I do know I have two events coming up this weekend where I'll be the only married non-mother, and even though the events in general are things I'm looking forward to, I dread being the odd one out (again). Or maybe it's because Mr. M's birthday is coming up and it's hard to think of celebrating another birthday without a little M. Plus, lately birthdays make that biological clock tick a little bit louder...Or maybe it's just feeling like I'm stuck in a rut, doing the same old thing, never having enough time for things I enjoy, just feeling kind of stagnant.
Whatever it is, today's a day that praying the Salve Regina brings me a lot of comfort, particularly the line that says:
"To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve. To thee do we send up our sighs, mourning and weeping in this valley of tears."
Yep, life lately does feel like a valley of tears, punctuated by way too few valleys of sunshine and smiles. (Can you tell that infertility has really brought out my melancholic temperament?) I guess this prayer always comforts me because it acknowledges that life can be really, really hard. Even as a Christian. Mary knew that - probably more than any of us. This earth is not our final home. Perfect happiness is not found here. I don't think that's "escapist" thinking as much as recognizing that we are pilgrims heading toward a home about which we've only been given fleeting glimpses. And on days like today, I find that comforting.
Whatever it is, today's a day that praying the Salve Regina brings me a lot of comfort, particularly the line that says:
"To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve. To thee do we send up our sighs, mourning and weeping in this valley of tears."
Yep, life lately does feel like a valley of tears, punctuated by way too few valleys of sunshine and smiles. (Can you tell that infertility has really brought out my melancholic temperament?) I guess this prayer always comforts me because it acknowledges that life can be really, really hard. Even as a Christian. Mary knew that - probably more than any of us. This earth is not our final home. Perfect happiness is not found here. I don't think that's "escapist" thinking as much as recognizing that we are pilgrims heading toward a home about which we've only been given fleeting glimpses. And on days like today, I find that comforting.
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