Wednesday, July 24, 2013

What to say to a friend struggling to conceive

I was blessed to attend a workshop last week with the author of this book. One of the handouts she passed out was titled "Choose Your Words Carefully," subtitled "What do you say to a couple who is struggling to conceive?"

There were two columns: DON'T Say... and DO Say... Surprise surprise, the "don't" column was a lot longer =) I thought it was very well done!

For example, don't say:
  • "Just be patient. All in God's time."
  • "Whose fault is it, his or hers?"
  • anything to give unsolicited advice
  • (my personal "favorite"): anything that would give false hope (I know people are trying to be helpful, but it hurts to hear someone say, "Don't worry - you'll be a mother! I just know it." Only God knows whether I'll be a mother, and I'm well aware that it could not happen.)
  • Etc. etc. etc. I could go on, but I think it's better to know what to say than what not to say.
On the "do say" side:
  • "I'm so sorry to hear that you are going through this. I will pray for you both."
    • I appreciate that so much - expression of sympathy, plus prayers (if it's genuine and doesn't come across as "I probably should say I'll pray for you but I don't really mean it..." I love when people offer me prayers. Just in the last month, a friend prayed for us at the Shrine of Our Lady of Guadalupe in Mexico, and a friend is going to pray for us at a shrine to St. Anne in Canada - both of them offered without me asking. I'll take all the prayers I can get!!!)
  • "Is there anything I can do to help?"
    • Usually my answer is: please pray for us. I mean, what else can someone do? It would be great if they cleaned my apartment or bought my groceries, but I've never asked for that =)
  • "You don't have to go through this alone. If you ever want to talk, I'm here to listen."
    • I appreciate this one too, especially the latter. The problem is, I never know how to bring it up (IF) with my friends, even after they offer. For me, I really appreciate them saying - at an appropriate moment, when we're alone - "You don't have to talk about it if you don't want to, but I just wanted to see how you're doing. I've been thinking about you." That means the world to me, especially because IF makes me feel so forgotten and left out.
  • "Is there anything we can do as a parish/diocese to help you and other couples struggling to conceive?"
    • No one has ever asked me that. I have lots of suggestions if anyone does!!
Overall, I think the "do" column was really good advice. If I were someone who had conceived easily and had friends who were struggling, I would wonder how best to comfort them. These issues are so personal - it must feel like a minefield to say the right thing. And I think less is more. Like I said, I appreciate when my friends ask me, "How are you doing?" or offer to pray for us. But I also appreciate just being able to be with them without feeling like the sore thumb who is obsessed with her childlessness (even if I feel like I am). Who doesn't want to feel accepted? Love, invitations, smiles - those go a long way too, even without words.

+EcceFiat+

15 comments:

  1. I was thinking about all of this earlier today! My least favorite: stop stressing and it'll happen. Trust me, if I could stop stressing, I would. Also, I'm pretty sure most women who are trying to conceive, whether or not they end up having trouble, are stressed at some point or another. It's a stressful, unpredictable time. Like you said, offering prayers is the best and pretty much only thing to do for a couple struggling with infertility, aside from offering a listening ear. Thanks for the list!

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    1. Yep, "don't stress...just relax" was on the "don't" list too! IF is stressful!!! For me, I do try to take proactive steps to reduce stress: get enough sleep, don't over-commit, pray, recognize my finitude...but really, stress is not why we haven't conceived in 2 years! And "unpredictable" is such a good descriptor too.

      Happy to "meet" you and find your blog!

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    2. Back atcha! And thanks for the stress-lowering tips. I need those like 80% of the time :)

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  2. Thanks for posting this. Up till now I don't think I've been guilty of any of the don'ts but I still haven't been saying any of the do's. I mainly just say "oh, ok" and I change the subject, which I'm not sure in which category it fits. I also never know whether I should ask about it and offer to talk because I don't want to seem like I'm intruding, I guess it depends on how close you are to the person.

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    1. I know, it's hard! I guess it's just hard in general to figure out what to say to someone who is suffering, and then add to that that IF is generally a hidden suffering, and it's extra hard. Like I said, I think LOVE goes a long way! "Love covers a multitude of sins..." And saying "I'm sorry" is good too - to me, it shows that the person is empathetic and recognizes that IF is hard. And you're right - what to say depends on how well you know a person, and how open they are, etc.

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  3. These are great suggestions. One I don't like (don't say column) is: If you adopt, you'll get pregnant. Urgh. No, there is no guarantee a woman will get pregnant after adopting! Just because it happened to ONE couple you know does NOT mean it will happen for every couple. (It happened to one of my husband's aunt and uncles-lucky them.)

    I always correct the person saying this. I know they mean well, but it is far more hurtful to hear than it is helpful. I remind them the statistic is that only 10% of couples who adopt have a biological child afterwards. I also remind them that they hear about these cases because they are unusual.

    Another don't: I also had someone I barely know, who some how found about our IF, ask if I was pregnant yet. No tact! If I was pregnant don't you think I'ld be shouting from the rooftops?!

    But bottom line good list.

    Now that I work in a parish, I would love to talk to you about your ideas of ways parishes can help IF couples. Maybe we can email?

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    1. Yep, that was on the "don't" list! (if you adopt, you'll get pregnant...) So was the other one: "Are you pregnant yet?" yikes! probably shouldn't ask that of anyone, IF or not!

      Feel free to email me! eccefiat11@gmail.com

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    2. It's also a really insulting thing to insinuate about an adopted child. "Oh, now that you've adopted, you'll get what you REALLY want." No, I really will really want my adopted child. If I thought that s/he would be second best to me, I would have done him a favor and NOT adopted.

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  4. Great list! It is so hard to know what to say when people say the things on the "don't" list. I am usually stunned speechless by them by at the same time I'd like to educate them about how hard IF is.

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  5. I think one of the interesting "don't" ones is the giving false hope. I've heard it a lot through the years about getting married "Don't worry about it, it will happen someday." But it might not. The first time someone bluntly said, "You might not get married" (not directly to me, but to single people in general), I cried about it later, but it was also such a relief. Because it's true. He didn't take away the possibility of it happening, but looked at reality. I liked it better that way.

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    1. I had a similar experience. I had a very difficult breakup in college (had dated this guy for 4 years) and I remember an aunt telling me, "Don't worry - you'll find someone!" and I thought at the time, "No, maybe I won't," and I was annoyed that she said that (although I knew she was trying to be helpful). Now, obviously I did find a man to marry, but I still never tell someone "don't worry - you'll find someone" or "don't worry - you'll have a baby one day" because I think it's unfair to them. I sincerely do hope you find a good man to marry! (And I hope I'll have a baby!) But I hope even more that God blesses you (and me) with peace and that we live holy lives! Now that's something that we can count on! =)

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    2. The other thing is, telling someone "don't worry - you'll find someone / have a baby" can come across as minimizing their pain...like they're saying, "what's the big deal? Everyone finds someone / has a baby eventually." Not that they're necessarily thinking that, but it sure is easy to give someone "hope" after you've personally crossed the divide! That's why I prefer people saying to me: "Wow, that's really hard what you're going through. I'll pray for you" and encouraging me that I can still live a worthwhile, fruitful life in the meantime.

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    3. Along with that, I hate, "Oh, I just have an intuition that it will happen." I used to believe people who said that, because I was so desperate, but I don't anymore.

      But I really think it's hard for people to say this because it's hard to face the reality that bad things happen to good people.

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    4. That's a good point, Sarah (your 2nd paragraph). Yes, it is really, really hard to realize that we don't get what we want in life all the time, and that some people get more than their fair share of suffering. Actually, a lot of people. Brings me back to the book of Job - his friends did a good job of comforting him until they opened their mouths! =) Walking alongside someone who is suffering is really hard, because it's so tempting to turn away your face instead of just sitting and crying together.

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  6. Thanks for this. I agree with everything said so far! Arg! The advice I have been given.

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