Tuesday, May 21, 2013

feeling weary, feeling stagnant

Three pregnancy announcements in a week. One last Monday, one on Friday, and one yesterday. All three good friends that of course we will have contact with in the months to come. For the first two women, it’s their second child (their firsts were born the summer we got married, 2011). For the third, it’s her first child, and they got married this past summer (after us).


I woke up at 3:30 this morning, my mind racing. I just feel weary. My heart feels weary. My brain feels weary, trying to find an answer as to why we haven’t been blessed with a child. Almost two years in, and we have no diagnosis. No rational reason as to why we haven’t conceived.


It’s like this: when it’s just me and Mr. M, or when we’re hanging out with people without kids, I can almost think our situation is normal. We have a good life! We have a good marriage, great friends, a lot going right. But then when I get pregnancy announcements, or I spend a chunk of time with our friends who have kids, it’s like the illusion is shattered. No, it’s not normal to try to get pregnant for 22 months with no success. Heck, doesn’t Creighton say that beyond 6 months of “focused fertility” is abnormal? And when that thought occurs to me, usually in a jarring way after forgetting about it for a while, it’s so hard to not feel stagnant, like we’re in a river where everyone is floating past on their happy rafts, having a picnic, while we’re clutching driftwood and swirling around and around in a whirlpool, going absolutely nowhere.


I know the truth, the reality, is that Jesus is right beside us. That our marriage is fruitful, just in less obvious ways than other people’s. That we’re growing in faith, hope, and love and are certainly not stagnant. But man is it hard to really believe this!


Lord, I believe. Help my unbelief.


+EcceFiat+

10 comments:

  1. Yes, it is so hard when you feel stagnant or like nothing is moving forward. One of my friend's "accidentally" made a pregnancy announcement on facebook. She put up a picture collage that included an ultrasound pic. and later said "whoops sorry for letting everyone know via facebook" I was thinking that it would be nice to accidentally make a pregnancy announcement. Though the more I think of it, of we ever do get pregnant again I am not sure how I would let people know. I will be praying for you!

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    1. Wow, "accidentally" making a pregnancy announcement is so beyond me...I'm the same way. I think about what it would be like to make such an announcement, and how to do it, and one thing I've decided is that I will probably cry multiple times =) And that I don't really care how it happens, just that it does.

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  2. Hi there! Thanks for commenting on my invite - we'd love to have you join us! :) Email me at laura dot henri 3 at gmail dot com. I'm happy to have found your blog but sorry to hear of your IF... those pregnancy announcements are so hard. Prayers!!

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  3. I totally understand the feelings you describe. I got hit with a pregnancy announcement this week. I'm hoping that one day, I'll just take it in stride. Some people can get pregnant easily, others cannot. Some people are diagnosed with cancer when they are young, others (like me) do not. Just a sad fact of life.

    But for today, right now, it's hard not to think about the fact that my friend and I both had sex with our husbands in the month of March. She got pregnant; I did not. Again.

    I know I don't need to tell you this, but you're not going nowhere. You have rich relationships in your life. You contribute to your community, your church, and your virtual community through this blog. You are learning, and growing, and changing, just not in the ways that you would want or expect.

    Easy for me to say, I know.

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    1. Thanks for your kind words, Sarah. Yes, I believe it (that I'm not "going nowhere") but I don't mind hearing it affirmed!!

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  4. Weariness... such a good way to describe it. I'm just tired of this. I've started to notice lately how much the stress of IF is affecting all areas of my life (e.g., I think I haven't been putting as much effort and enthusiasm into my job the past few months as I used to), and that's bad. Something needs to change, and I guess the answer is "my attitude". But, how to do that (beyond the obvious one--prayer) is always the question...

    I saw a pregnancy announcement this week, while on day two of this stupid pre-CD1 brown spotting, that just started last cycle. I didn't cry. (Granted, while we were good friends with this couple, they moved across the country last summer so its not as "real"... but still... I didn't cry!) Baby steps.

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    1. Good for you!! That's right, baby steps =) I feel stronger in a lot of ways than when this IF journey began - maybe I'm just more aware of what could be hard, and can prepare myself, but I feel more mature too, I think.

      And I agree about IF affecting every aspect of life...except I don't know exactly what to do about that either. "Suffer it cheerfully" is about the best answer I've come up with.

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  5. I understand exactly how you feel! When Mr JB and I are alone our life almost feels normal, but when we're around all of our friends it feels like we're missing out. I thought that starting the adoption process would help, but it hasn't closed the wound that the dream of biological motherhood has left on my heart.

    Continued prayers!

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    1. Thank you! I'm sorry you know what I mean, but I'm happy at the same time, if that makes sense, to have someone to commiserate with. It makes IF feel less lonely, I think.

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  6. I can see how these pregnancy announcements make you feel bad even though they are good things, but I can also understand that it is so hard to be happy for someone else getting that which you have been longing for but haven´t gotten yet. I am sorry you are having to go through this and remember the verses in your next post especially the silver and gold.

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