hubby happies

Mr. M decided to write his own  Little Happies today!

1. Lego shelfie on my Gmail
2. What does the Fox Say?
3. Getting my back cracked by a PT and every other patient saying “OOOOOOOOh” but lovin' every second of it.
4. Warm days and warm underwear together on the same day (In D.C. you know what I'm talking about as the weather fluctuates pretty frequently)
5. Rooms without a roof (I have never seen one but I have heard they are happy so they make me happy thinking about that – huh does imaginings count as little happies???)
6. Minions and pretending to have minions of my own. “Hey any of you like to write my dissertation?” “Mmakamakamooo” (Yes!! Yes!! - From Minion)
7. Random goofiness as tonic for the soul
8. Funny ranks on April pools day
9. Laughing as I type these up.
10. Holding hot coffee to soothe aching hands after typing for too long
11. Portable bacon attachments for my car and stupid car insurance ads
12. Baby dust and the random woman or man who said “Good luck!” with a smiley face on a letter they gave with my wife's vitamins for CM
13. Snowmen named Olaf and Pet Reindeer
14. Being Sanguine and never wanting to stop this list. Okay one more because you have read this far . . .
15. Large Foam Rolls (for stretching out your back and other incredibly stupid things like playing baseball with random objects not designed for baseball so . . . much . . . fun)
16. Bouncy Ball Pits . . . for . . . bedrooms :-) No joke google it. . . it is the latest sleeping fad. Move over sleep number, here comes sleep balls.

Until next time,

Sanguine Hubster

little happies #4

{one}

Daffodils!!!!

If these look suspiciously like the daffodils Mary Beth listed as her 1st happy, that's because we both bought them at Trader Joe's. I just couldn't resist their cheerfulness and spring smell! They brighten up our kitchen and I may or may not carry them into the living room with me too.

{two}

Good books

I hope it's okay to list the same little happy twice in a row! At least it's a different book. This one's about time travel back to the Middle Ages and how the main character may or may not be stuck there just as the Black Death is starting to happen because the characters in the present (future, really) are coming down with a mysterious flu virus. Dun dun dun. Definitely a page turner. Definitely stayed up too late last night reading!

{three}

Good laughs

So at my most recent doctor's appointment, I was told to begin B6 500 mg sustained release + something called "FertileCM" to increase you know what. Well, the Fertile CM arrived today, and along with it in the box was this:

Don't know what that is? It's baby dust. I kid you not!!! The little "poem" on the baggie says: "This baby dust is Special and is being sent to you hoping it will help your fondest dreams come true."

Whaaaaat?!?! I sincerely hope that 1) that isn't why FertileCM costs $20 for a month's supply and 2) please please please let this not be sent with every shipment! What is one supposed to do with baby dust? Sprinkle it on the bed? Throw it up in the air and dance around? Take one star or crescent moon with each vitamin? No instructions were included...

You just have to laugh.

{four}

New plants

This might look like a bunch of pots with dirt in them...which it is. But there's also seeds inside! I planted them on Saturday, in the rain, because it was way too wet to dig up the ground. Parsley, spring onions, arugula, lettuce, and spinach. I'm considering this a test of what grows well in pots.

{five}

Pretty teakettles

This is on the wish list! I think it's so charming. Guess how much....$100 big ones, no joke! It's made by MacKenzie Childs, up in the Finger Lake region of New York. On our first anniversary getaway, we happened to stay right down the road from their factory. They make really whimsical stuff: flowers and butterflies and lots of colors. Mr. M and his mom bought me a cake stand from them for Christmas two years ago and ever since then we get their catalog and I drool over their teakettles.

{six}

Mr. M!

He's always a little happy in my book =) We spent a lot of time this rainy weekend watching basketball, and I always love how into the game he gets - even if he doesn't care about either team! He just appreciates live sports.

Also he made dinner tonight and went for a walk with me. Double happy.

sleepless

It's almost midnight and I can't get to sleep.

I tried, and failed.

I'm usually not an insomniac; I usually fall asleep peacefully and sleep soundly all night, so I'm always perturbed when I can just not my mind to stop racing long enough to drift off to dreamland.

At least I know why I can't sleep. I came home in angry, no, furious tears after a church event where I felt absolutely swarmed by all things pregnancy and baby. Three of the other ladies were very, very pregnant, and there were many jokes and half-complaints about baby-carrying. Many expressions of interest and concern for the expectant mamas.

An entire aspect of life - namely, pregnancy and childbearing - that not only do I not feel a part of, but I want to run away from as fast as I can while screaming at the top of my lungs.

At this point in my blog's life, I feel like I could recycle any number of posts:

I felt extremely jealous tonight. Just like last Lent (and many times between).

I felt angry at my childlessness and others' (unintended) insensitivity. Just like I wrote about here.  

I felt vulnerable and exposed as I was the only one (seemed to me anyway) not laughing at the pregnancy jokes or rummaging in my purse instead of engaging in pregnancy-related conversation.

I have to trust I'm moving forward with increased acceptance and peace, but sometimes it just feels like I'm in a sickening vortex where the same emotions and challenges keep getting dredged up again and again, except with even more intensity as the babies around me and my months of childlessness keep multiplying.

The worst of it is, no one seems to hear my heart-cries of pain. (Kind of what I wrote about here.) Of course that's not entirely true - my dh would remind me immediately of all the wonderful, caring, supportive friends who have rallied and prayed for us, of course including blog friends!

But sometimes it just feels so darn lonely. Like I just want to say, "Can we all not talk about pregnancy? Because it feels like daggers to my heart. Honest." (An impossible plan) Like I crave someone to just get it before I have to spell it out for them.

Frankly, I just really want the pregnant belly or the child in my arms. It is just so hard feeling like an outsider in woman-land, feeling like the wierdo who isn't able to conceive and birth a baby already! I know there's ultimately no answer to the pointless question "Why me?" but that doesn't mean I don't ask it sometimes.

I should really try to fall asleep. Last thought: I appreciated this post by "All You Who Hope" so very much. Not because it gave me hope that one day I may indeed look back on this time as a horrible bad dream - I'm not really in a hopeful mood tonight - but because of its acknowledgement that infertility is blazingly, mind-numbingly, soul-crushingly, depressingly hard.

Jesus, I trust in you. Jesus, help me.

little happies #3

Excited to join with Stephanie again!

{one}

Is it just a coincidence that this is my third snow day on a Monday? And that all this snow day goodness started with Stephanie started her little happies link-up...I think not! Happy #1 is another snow day, in March! hooray!

{two}

Green pancakes for St. Patrick's day! Courtesy of the snow day. I tried to get them "kelly green" but they ended up more like sea foam / teal. Oh well. I'm not Irish at all but my husband is one-quarter (a strong and cherished quarter) so I was happy to celebrate the Saint and our collective heritage!

[will add picture later if I get around to it...just think of pancakes that are green]

{three}

Good books to read on a snow day! I am loving this author right now, and this book:



I read a book by him recently all about the summer of 1927. It was way interesting - seriously! (Charles Lindbergh, Babe Ruth, anarchist bombings...I learned a lot!) "At Home" has been so interesting too. He takes you room by room in a house and talks about the history of the room and stuff associated with it. So in the kitchen, he talks about the history of food preservation and refridgeration. In the scullery (that's where they washed the dishes) he talks about servitude in England in the late 1800's - that also fed my Downton Abbey obsession! And so on.

{four}

My husband's return! He was on a retreat this weekend (which was very fruitful, btw) but I missed him! The apt felt odd without him, and although I enjoyed some "me" time and some girl time, I was pleased as punch when he got back. I don't know how married couples do long separations.

{five}

Anticipation. We're currently planning our summer vacation to, of all places, Nebraska. (Sorry if I offended any Nebraskans! =)) To be honest, it's not our top choice for vacation, but a good friend of mine from college is getting married over Memorial Day and I'm so grateful that Mr. M agreed to make it into our vacation. I love the anticipation of planning a getaway. I'm especially excited about the bed and breakfast we're staying in for two nights, which is one of those gorgeous Victorian houses with quaint furniture and a romantic feel and of course super yummy breakfasts. Can't wait!

Off to enjoy my snow day - maybe my last?

+EcceFiat+

vulnerability & the anima christi

Dealing with IF means dealing with a LOT of vulnerability.

By vulnerability, I mean feeling exposed, feeling like my skin is paper-thin, feeling fragile, and feeling the victim many times of circumstances beyond my control.

I feel vulnerable when I call up a married friend I haven't spoken with for a while, because I wonder if she'll have some "news" and I dread my reaction to it.

I feel vulnerable at Sunday mass when I'm talking with Jesus and He is comforting me in my sorrow, and I really want to cry but also don't want to cry in public.

I feel vulnerable when I go grocery shopping, or to the mall, or really anywhere in public and my heart twangs when I see a pregnant woman contentedly rub her belly or a mom playing with her toddler or pushing her baby around in the shopping cart.

I feel vulnerable when someone asks me, "so, what's new?" and I can only think of what's not new, of what hasn't happened, and I have to exert a lot of effort to make it sound like I'm happy with whatever is new in our lives.

I feel vulnerable when I get pregnancy announcements out of the blue and have to put together a happy fast really, really fast.

And so on. It's like walking on eggshells a lot. It means avoiding situations where I would feel too exposed - baby showers come immediately to mind, or social gatherings where I'll be the only non-mother present. Being vulnerable means wearing my heart of my sleeve a lot - or at least it seems that way to me. I would guess only the more astute observer of human nature would see beyond my happy face - but I often feel the urge to cry, or flee, when the conversation turns to babies and pregnancy and everything my heart desires more than anything else.

So...the Anima Christi. There is a connection!

This is one of my favorite prayers. Somehow, I can't remember how, I got in the habit years ago of praying it after every mass - maybe because it is so Eucharistic:

Soul of Christ, sanctify me.
Body of Christ, save me.
Blood of Christ, inebriate me.

...and so on. (Go here for the whole prayer.)

Well, there's that one line: "Within Thy wounds, hide me" that I think is so rich and meaningful. I love the imagery, and the intimacy with Christ it describes.

Here's the thing: this morning, our choir sang the Anima Christi in Latin. Somehow, I've never done that before - we have a beautiful English version that we sing, but never in Latin. And the line "Within Thy wounds, hide me" is in Latin: "Intra tua vulnera absconde me."

Vulnera...now, I am definitely not a Latin scholar! But that has to be the root of vulnerability, right? (If it's not, someone smarter please tell me!) I think it makes sense: wounds are places we are most vulnerable. They are sensitive, not easily touched or handled. Also a weakness, because with a wound we can't function normally.

For some reason, that word really struck me: "Within Thy vulnerability, hide me."

Also, "absconde" in the Latin sounds like "abscond" that no one really uses anymore (at least I don't) but, "The thief absconded with the treasure," ran away with, post-haste! It has more urgency, more neediness, than "hide me," doesn't it?

"Within Thy vulnerability, abscond with me, quickly!" is the way I'll think of that line now =)

To meditate on Jesus' vulnerability, His wounds...and me, tucked safely there, hidden, absconded with. I find that all very comforting, and often think of laying my head on His Sacred Heart. I am vulnerable - so was He. He opened Himself to every vulnerability, literally opened His arms on the cross, opened His heart to the soldiers, embraced every kind of insult and maltreatment, and did it all with love.

Anyway, don't know if that's interesting or comforting to anyone else, but I am grateful for the little inspiration from the Lord this morning!

+EcceFiat+

making progress

I've been a slacker blogger lately! Life has been more than usually busy:

1) we bought a (used) gas-efficient car to replace our current gas-guzzler, found out soon after that we weren't sold what we were promised, spent LOTS of time (mostly Mr. M, bless him!) arguing with the car dealership about how they weren't honest with us, blah blah blah it was such a stressor and total waste of time. In the end it was somewhat resolved, but wow, made us never want to buy from a dealership again! (Our previous purchases were from craigslist or family.)

2) we went to our nephew's state wrestling championship last weekend, which was near where my parents live so it was a fun, full time of family and cheering on our nephew, also watching more wrestling than ever in our lives! He got 7th place in his weight bracket which was respectable for his first time at states, and being the only wrestler from his school! Only downside of the weekend was AF's arrival and not being able to mope on the couch with a heating pad. Oh well.

And since a lot of my job involves staring at a computer, usually the last thing I want to do when I get home is stare at a computer, especially when I just checked out 5 good books from the library or Mr. M is asking me to play dominion or I want to work on a sewing project, and so on!

But I did want to share that we are making some progress in the medical side of things, which I'm very happy about! I was able to have all my records transferred to my new doctor without hassle, and the only thing that was missing was my Day 3 labs (weird) which I don't mind doing over.

We also passed a test last cycle that allows us to move on to other tests, so at my next appt (hopefully during this current cycle), we'll talk about doing an ultrasound ovulation series or a surgery, or both. This is great timing because I have a good bit of travelling coming up in the summer and it will feel so good if we can get some of these more time-consuming steps on the calendar.

So...that's about it! Still on the slow track toward motherhood (if that in fact is my final destination, which I hope it is!) but pleased to not be completely stalled.

+EcceFiat+

little happies {two}

So glad to join in Stephanie's new link up, albeit a day late...!

{happy #1}

This Scripture verse, from yesterday's morning prayer in Magnificat, makes me happy. Actually I think it makes a great "motto" for the little happies link-up...! It spoke to my heart when I read it.

They are happy, whose strength is in you,
in whose hearts are the road to Zion.
As they go through the Bitter Valley
they make it a place of springs,
the autumn rain covers it with blessings.
- Psalm 84

Beautiful!

{happy #2}

Good smelling soaps!


 Mr. M and I did some retail therapy after a particularly stressful day last week. Okay, it was just me buying things...and I know retail therapy is a bad idea for the budget! But to my credit, all I bought were two luscious-smelling soaps - on sale! - from Crabtree & Evelyn. Totally a worthwhile splurge! (Backstory: last year, we bought a huge quantity of Irish Spring soap that was on sale. Huge as in eternal - this soap supply is never-ending! We've both been using it, and honestly I was just getting a little sick of smelling kind of like a man...! Hence the soap splurge =))

{happy #3}

We have eight nieces and nephews (big happy!) and the oldest, who is a junior in high school, just made it to the state wrestling tournament. Woo hoo!!! It's this upcoming weekend so please say a prayer for him! He's getting some interest from colleges - even D1 - and he could really, really use a sport scholarship. We're so proud of him already. He even fought through a broken knuckle - ouch! - to make it to States!

{happy #4}

Sewing this:

It's a bib for our goddaughter, so she can eat in style! It's reversible too:

I still have to add the buttonhole and sew on the button. (Never made a buttonhole before...) and then I'll mail it to her. Related happy: having a baby to sew for, even if she's not "mine" (but godchildren come pretty close, I think!)

{happy #5}

our fig tree:

This beauty is in our living room, where it delights us with its greenery and figs and fills our home with oxygen =) It's a direct cutting from Mr. M's Italian grandfather (who I wrote about here) and we're amazed that it's growing in the dead of winter! Well, maybe not that amazed...it is in the direct aim of the heating vent...mmmm, hopefully we'll have ripe figs before the month is out!

{happy #6}

simply this: meeting our financial goals the last two months, yay for us! We're really trying to be good about saving money and living simply, especially in these pre-child days (hopeful thinking...) So, notwithstanding happy #2 above, we've been trying to limit unnecessary travel, eating out, buying stuff we really don't need, etc., and it's been very gratifying to see our savings account grow little by little! For both of us, we feel like this is the most concrete thing we can do right now toward growing our family, so it makes us feel like we're not "just" waiting. Plus if we end up conceiving, then we'll have the cash to go on a fantastic babymoon cruise! Ha ha, just kidding...maybe =)

Thanks, Stephanie, for hosting such a lovely event!!

+Ecce Fiat+

Blinders (and St. Peter)

I'm sure you've seen a horse with blinders before:



And I'm sure you know why the horse wears blinders. If not:

"Horses wear blinders to keep them focused on what is ahead, for safety purposes and prevention from obstruction." (ask.com)

"Horses sometimes need to be made to focus and blinders keep the horse’s eye focused on what is ahead, rather than what is at the side or behind." (an equestrian site)

Blinders "keep the horse focused on what is in front of him, encouraging him to pay attention to the race rather than other distractions, such as crowds." (Wikipedia)

So, a thought I had: I need a pair of blinders!!!

It can be so discouraging to look at my life as it is, and compare it to how I wish it was (a baby or two, not working full time, owning a home, etc). Blinders remind (okay, force) the horse to just look ahead, just keep moving forward. And, probably more importantly, they cut down distractions, "such as crowds." Haha - the "crowds" for me are all the people in my life who are pregnant or who have babies. Basically anyone who has not had to travel this hard, long road of waiting for a child, of fertility tests, of uncertainty. 

The "crowds" slow me down, get me discouraged, make me want to bolt!

A more Christian analogy would be Peter walking on water: as soon as he took his eyes off Jesus, he began to sink.




When I'm coming up to a major test, or just feeling particularly down about being childless, I truly believe the devil tempts me by bringing up in my mind a parade of happy mothers who are having the time of their lives with their adorable babies. Please go away! I literally have to say to my mind. This is not helping!

But if I can keep my blinders on - and keep my eyes on Jesus - it gets easier. If I stop comparing my life to other people, I accept it more easily. I see the good in it more easily. I'm happier, and more peaceful. I can accept that no, we're not on the "normal track" of fertility: marriage, then baby soon after (or at least when you want it!) We are on the "slow / special needs track": wait for months and months, do lots of tests, wait some more, etc.

And honestly, that wouldn't be so, so bad if everyone else wasn't on the normal track!!

But we are on the track that was chosen for us by God, period. What he chooses for other people - not my concern. Everyone has their own demons and temptations to deal with, and mine are pretty clear: jealousy, despair, and lack of trust in God's goodness.

Anyway, I hope that analogy makes sense! And since it's kind of goofy to imagine myself actually with blinders on, it also brings a laugh =)

+EcceFiat+