I am so blessed, happy and grateful to be this month's "adopted" blogger per Amy/Amanda/the Holy Spirit. Seriously, I couldn't help but smiling all day thinking about all the prayers that will be coming to us this month. I feel especially spoiled because "my" month has not only Easter in it, but also St. Gianna's feast day and the canonization of John Paul II & John XXIII! That's one awesome month!
Amy asked me to write up a "who are you" kind of post, so this is it.
You can read in more detail our infertility journey here, but the cliff notes version is: we got married in May 2011, started trying to have a baby pretty much right away, and almost three years later still have never conceived. We're not dealing with male-factor infertility, and I haven't received a diagnosis, so we're squarely in the "unexplained" category of infertility. We're still investigating root causes and while it feels weird to hope that something's wrong with me, I do hope my doctor finds something that explains why we're fertility-challenged, preferably something fixable! (Not that it's ever that easy.)
We've also discerned that now is not the right time to pursue adoption because my husband is finishing his dissertation and our current apartment has no windows in the bedrooms (not fire-safe). This conclusion took a lot of wrestling, but I'm at peace with it currently. Our hearts are definitely open to adopting though once the dissertation is done and we move wherever my husband gets a job. (At least that's the plan - we all know how certain those are! =))
It's been...tough, to say the least. Infertility was not on my radar at all when we got married (I guess it isn't for most people) and it was a rude awakening to find out that the path to parenthood might be more arduous for us than for many of our peers. Even now, the fact that we're still childless seems a lot of days like a bad dream I just can't wake up from. This has definitely been a journey of faith: prayer is more real to me now, suffering is more real, my absolute dependence on God is crystal-clear. Pretty much every day I have to ask God's help to battle against jealousy, anger, despair, and resentment. That's some serious spiritual bootcamp.
Finding Catholic infertility blogs was nothing less than a godsend for me. To know that there are other women out there who get what I'm going through, and being able to encourage each other in this trial, has been such a blessing. We only know two couples IRL who struggle with infertility (as in, we didn't meet them through the Internet) and one lives in a different state, so this would all feel so much lonelier if it wasn't for the sisters-in-Christ I've met through my blog. I wish we all lived in one happy little town!!
Remember that button the lady in the Truman Show wears? "How's it going to end?" I wonder that every day. Will I be a mother eventually? Will this ache in my heart go away? Will it all become just a bad dream? I guess the more important question is: Will I become a saint through it all? Again and again God gently reminds me: "What does it profit a man to gain the whole world but forfeit his soul?" Or as my husband reminds me: a child is good and wonderful and so-desired, but a child is still not God. Every day is a challenge to offer my desire for motherhood up to God, knowing that it's safe with Him, and seek Him first.
If I could be so bold, I have a few specific prayer requests for April:
**for the gift of a child (to be open and honest, my cycle is nearing the end and I'm in that limbo stage of hoping AF doesn't arrive and doubting that I'll ever be pregnant)
**if AF comes as usual, for the tests I'll undergo in April (day 3 labs + ultrasound ovulation series), that they shed light on my body's issues
**for our marriage to stay strong and grow despite the challenges in our lives
**most of all, that I would grow in faith, hope, and love, and that I would accept with gratitude the life God has given me (that's been tough lately)
Thank you, thank you, thank you in advance for your prayers!